The Essence of Life

I went to our spot today, I waited with anticipation hoping that you would emerge from the shower room ready for a swim, but alas to no avail. It seems only yesterday that we had our first encounter there, I remember your beautiful long black ringlets that framed your beautiful face. The smile that brought so much happiness and light into my lonely life. Your black bikini that outlined each of your magnificent features on your petite body. As I sat alone under the trees looking out across the vast open ocean, hoping I would find some sort of meaning to my life now that you were gone. I watched as a man swam in the shallows, he was later joined by his partner. Everywhere I look the memories of you keep flooding my mind. I can’t believe you are not here to witness the majestic dolphins playing and jumping in the water. The children of the ocean enjoying the summer sun, I used to enjoy the summer sun but now it is a reminder that I may never feel your warmth again.

The children came to see me yesterday, you can see in their eyes and their mannerisms that they are worried about their old man, I try to mask my pain from them. They have enough worries in their life than to worry about me. Kiana and her partner Jonah have invited me to stay with them for a few days while they sort through your belongings, I don’t know if I am ready to let you go. Your clothes still hang in the closet, your towel still on the rack, your perfume still lingers in the air.

Arlianne keeps telling me that I will find love again, I don’t want to accept that you may not be coming home, I keep thinking to myself that you’re just in a deep sleep and that you will awake and we can be together again. Deep down I know I may lose you and deep down I know I may never know the gentle touch of your skin, or the softness of your hair, or the taste of your sweet lips as we passionately kiss. I cling to the memories we shared, the beach summer weekend getaways, the family camping trips, the Disneyland/Hawaiian vacation I won on Wheel of Fortune when I appeared as a contestant. Our house that we bought and turned into our home. The girls growing up, sports days, Concerts, dance recitals. It seems like a lifetime ago, but the memories are as clear as if they were only yesterday. I regret not telling you often enough how much I loved you, or how amazing you were as a mum. I hope you never thought that you weren’t appreciated, because my love, nothing could be further from the truth.

The girls have always been stronger emotionally than me, that’s because we brought them up that way. They hope they will see you again, and that you will come back to us, but I think deep down they know it is very unlikely.

My love, I remember sitting there on the fateful day we met, I sat with my parents and my niece and nephew, as we sat alongside you on the beach. I remember your face when we sat down beside you, you gave a little smile, I knew in an instant I wanted to get to know you better. I took my niece and nephew into the water teaching them how to read the waves, to know and how to tell if there was a rip. We looked back at the shoreline, the kids were looking back at my mum, I was looking back at you, I noticed you peering above your reading book as your body absorbed the sunlight. The sun bouncing off your glistening body, we went to get lunch but when we got back, you were nowhere to be seen. You had gone back to your rental unit. My heart sank, I knew that If I could only spend some time with you, get to know you better with the hope we could one day be friends. I went back in the water, hoping you would return, but you never did. All night I kept thinking how much I would love to caress your body, hold you in my arms, kiss your beautiful lips, lick your…. I think I better stop there…

I went back to the same spot the next day hoping to get another glimpse of you, maybe even build up the courage to talk to you, I retuned for the next 2 days, multiple times hoping you would return but you never came back.. you were gone forever, or so I thought.

After returning home, I went into the local bottle shop when an angelic voice asked me if I needed assistance, I turned and there you stood. I advised I was just browsing and you told me if there was anything you could do for me just to let you know. You then looked into my eyes, I looked into yours my heart was racing, it was like looking into a crystal ball and seeing my future. You asked me if I was at the beach on Sunday, I advised yes, I was there with my parents, my niece and my nephew. You told me how you saw me and sort of recognised me but felt too shy to say anything. I told you how I looked at you and felt this spark that I hadn’t felt in some time. I asked you out to dinner so we could talk more, I was elated you accepted. My heart raced nervously while I walked gingerly to your door. Your mum answered and asked me if she could help me. I advised I was here to take her daughter to dinner, I gave your mum one of the roses I had bought, as I told her I could see where her daughter gets her beauty from. Your mum questioned my intentions, hoping I wasn’t one of those jack-the-lad types who thought he could sleep with a girl and not owe her anything. I advised that I am not one of these and that I would never treat a woman like that. Your mum sensed that I was genuine (which I was), your mother questioned whether I had had any bad thoughts of you, I told her yes, I did, however these were quickly overcome as I realised I wanted to give her daughter more than that, I wanted to give her the love and appreciation she truly deserved. Your mum learned two truths about me then, the first was that I would be honest even if it could be bad for me, and the second that I put love before sex. A sentiment to this day I try to uphold.

I remember you coming down the stairs in your beautiful black dress, your black ringlets were up, and your beautiful lips were accentuated with a gorgeous black lipstick (which you still wear to this day). I recall how you blushed and smiled as I told you how beautiful you looked. I escorted you to the car and opened your door, catching you off-guard as you were not used to such displays of affection and respect. Our arms interlocked as we walked into the restaurant, I couldn’t believe how just a few days prior we were complete strangers and now here I was with the most beautiful girl in the world in my arms. I felt like I was on cloud nine. We enjoyed a beautiful meal and chatted for hours, the more I learned about you the more I realised I had very strong feelings for you. The restaurant staff were preparing to close, yet we were still chatting, I suggested we go for a walk to continue our chat. As we walked the desolate streets of the town hand in hand, I realised I was falling in love with you. I remember walking back to my car before stopping just short, I wanted to tell you how I felt but was worried how you were going to react. I took a deep breath and took the plunge, I told you how I felt like I was falling in love with you, and that this was totally unexpected. You told me that you were feeling the same, we embraced before finally we looked deeply into each others eyes and we kissed our first kiss under the moonlight. I drove you back to your home, and walked you to your door, before giving you a long lingering kiss goodnight. I then walked back to my car and drove home feeling on top of the world.

I woke the next morning to a loud knocking on my door, it was your mother, I was taken back by her arrival I looked out and saw you in the car. Your mother questioned me of the previous night and advised that she was not very happy that I had kept you out all night. I apologised, and explained that in getting to know each other we lost track of time. Your mum then thanked me for giving you the best first date you had ever had. I told your mother how I felt about you and she told me that she gives her blessing for our relationship to proceed. I was so happy, your mother motioned for you to come out of the car, you ran to me, jumping in my arms and planting a big kiss on me. Your mother left knowing you were in safe arms. We spent the day together watching romantic movies and just chilling on the couch, you asked me if I minded if we waited before consummating for the first time. I advised I didn’t mind at all, and that I would wait a million years if I had to, holding you and kissing you was enough for me. You smiled as you could see that I meant every word. Work had become easier, knowing that at the end of each day I would be seeing and kissing your beautiful face. You ran into my arms each time and then I carried you back into the house. There was nothing that could come between us.

I arrived home one day after spending some time at your house to find my ex there with her two boys, apparently her husband and her had a falling out and they were getting divorced, I explained that I am sad that is happening and asked her why she came to me, she explained that she hasn’t been able to stop thinking about me and how happy she was when she was with me, I advised that I am no longer available and for the past few weeks I have been seeing someone, She left disappointed. I remember how angry you were when I told you what had happened, you were worried that I wanted out of our relationship so I could get back with my ex. I advised that what her and I had was good, but I no longer have those feelings for her, I still care about her sure, but no longer do I have any romantic feelings for her. You nodded however was still very worried that I would leave you for her. I found it hard juggling my limited spare time for you both, Kala needed me as she was breaking down a lot trying to move on from her divorce, but you needed to have your boyfriend around. I don’t think I will ever forget pain in your eyes when I would tell you how I spent time with Kala. Kala and I were just friends, but this didn’t stop you from getting jealous. You felt that you needed us to take things to the next level to keep me, but you didn’t need to. I explained that we have is so much better than what Kala and I had. We would fight constantly, I never seemed to be able to please her, but with you things were different. You and I had this cosmic connection that was beyond anything I had ever imagined I would experience and the connection has never faded with time.

Please wake up my beautiful angel, I am not ready to be without you (I never will be).

All of a sudden there is a flash of light as your heart monitor flatlines, I can’t believe it, I begin sobbing uncontrollably and gently kiss your lips one final time. I turn and begin to leave the room, only for the heart machine to start up again, gradually getting stronger and stronger, then above the sound of the heart monitor, I hear a faint voice “and where the hell do you think you’re going?” I turned and saw your beautiful eyes open, your strength returning. You tell me how you felt a kiss on her lips that sent a resurgence back into her. I literally gave you the kiss of life. I walked back, sat on the bed, gave you the biggest hug, and asked that you never scare me like that again. We smile at each other knowing the power of true love and how love truly is the essence of life.