The Drive

1. Clara

Traveling during the holidays is almost always a nightmare. Throw two teenage siblings who can't get along in a car for a 10 hour drive, makes it that much worse. They think this trip is just to see their grandparents, but it's much more than that. Making memories is really important, from the time they were little, I have always gone above and beyond to try and give them a good life even when our circumstances were bullshit. I tried every single day to at least make one good thing happen for them, it turns out that it was a waste of time. Maybe it's because they're teenagers, maybe i just raised assholes, i'm not sure which it is honestly, but i am done trying so hard.

Their father was an abusive piece of shit. Almost from day one of our marriage. The romance was a whirlwind, so much kindness and love coming at me from all sides. I know now that it is called love bombing. He was everything I ever wanted in a man. He was my everything. Then we got married. I woke up on day two of our honeymoon with my eye so swollen, I couldn't see out of it. I don't remember the events of the night before at all, but he said it was all a big misunderstanding and an accident. That was the first of almost 5 years of accidents and misunderstandings. I left him when Theo was 2 and Marcy was 3. He killed himself the next night. I have been raising them on my own since then.

During hour 3, the questions begin. “How much longer is this fucking drive?” Theo said. “About 7 hours and watch your mouth.” Marcy started in not long after and they continued bickering for the next hour until a pickup truck swerved into our lane. I jerked the steering wheel as hard as I could in the opposite direction, both of my children were screaming, there was another even louder scream, i think that one was me. Our car went off of the roadway and came to rest in a ditch narrowly missing a tree.

“Are you ok? Theo? Marcy? Please answer me.” I said in a shaky, terrified voice that sounded nothing like my own. “We are ok, Mom.” said Marcy from the backseat. Hearing her voice made it easier to finally turn around and take stock of my children. Besides looking very scared, they seemed to be ok. I looked at myself in the mirror and I seemed fine too. I got out of the car, walked around and noticed that other than grass stuck under the bumper, there isn't any damage. We will just sit here for a minute and then get back on the road. I need a second to regroup before I try to drive again.

Once we are back on the road, we decide to turn on the radio and try to drown out the noise of our nerves after the near death experience. Marcy takes up the front seat now and Theo is stretching out his legs in the back. I let her control the radio because teenage girls do not like to let go of control when it comes to flipping through the radio. Hotel California by the Eagles plays quietly in the background of the only station that would come in. “Sorry Marce, there must not be great signal on this road. Once we are back on the main highway, there'll probably be more channels to choose from.” “It's ok Mom, I've always liked this song.”

The song finishes out and a man's voice takes over, in a sing-song voice he says “are we ready to go? If not, just say so. It won't make a difference, but it's good for the show.” and with that, Hotel California starts playing again. I have no idea what the fuck that was about, but she pushed the button to turn the radio off faster than i would have imagined. Looks like we will be going the rest of the way in silence. For now at least. The plan for coming down here hasn't changed, taking them to their grandparents, hugging them goodbye, and never returning. Too much has happened that we can't come back from. I'm too tired to continue. I dont want harm to come to them, obviously, but i dont give a fuck what happens to me.

Fentanyl is surprisingly easy to come by nowadays. I'm going to book myself a room at some no tell motel halfway between home and their grandparents. I won't be coming back for them, they just don't know it yet. The want to do something is pretty strong but the courage to do it sometimes takes a little bit longer.

2. Marcy

I didn't want to go on this bullshit family outing, but I had no choice. Mom doesnt ever give me a choice in anything. I was going to use this break to tie up some loose ends before I leave for good. I was undecided for a while if i was going to run away or if i was going to kill myself but either way, i wouldnt be here much longer. My friend, Jamie, had a party a month ago to celebrate her 17th birthday. We were all having a great time, dancing, singing along to our favorite songs, and drinking more than we probably should have.

I was talking to someone when I noticed Alex staring at me from across the room. He was the hottest guy in school, in my opinion.He played the guitar in a band with some boys from history class, he always wore sunglasses and smoked cigarettes in his little red car in the school parking lot. We stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity, when his ex-girlfriend broke our gaze. She started dancing on him, he smiled, and happily followed her away from me. That's when Damien made his way over to me. I let him get me a drink and instead of remembering my mothers advice, I drank it without seeing him pour it. That was just my first mistake.

Damien and I danced for only a few moments when I started to feel dizzy. That's the last thing I remembered about being at the party. There were spurts here and there with him over me in the backseat of his car. It felt like my body weighed a ton. I don't remember agreeing to what happened but I don't remember saying no either. The Monday after the party, the whole school was talking about how I fucked Damien at the party and how I let his friends watch and have turns with me too. Suddenly being the school slut after being the school virgin a few days before is enough to make anyone want to blow their brains out. I just happen to have the balls to do it. Fuck them.

Sitting here in silence is killing me, but that weird guy on the radio really freaked me out. I'm hoping it was just some sort of weird commercial but it felt really creepy. I decide to just say fuck it and turn the radio back on. I reached for the dial when Mom slapped my hand and said “No, I'm enjoying the silence.” “Well im not, this stupid trip is bad enough the least i can do is give it a soundtrack.” I hate being a bitch to my mom, but I am hoping if I can make her hate me enough, when I die, it won't hurt her as much. I already have the note written out, its ready to go, and so am I. I was going to use the small handgun my mom thinks I don't know she has to do it, but now that we are going to Nanny and Poppys, I'm going to use the same gun my dad did. Kind of poetic, huh? Thats super fucked up to even think, but I really miss him sometimes. I don’t actually miss him really, because I don't remember him. I miss the idea of having a dad. I miss daddy daughter dances I never got to attend. I miss him walking me down the aisle at a wedding that will now never happen. I miss him being the poppy to my kids I won't have. I'm not sure if you can miss people at events that have not happened yet, but I do. I really do.

The first several stations on the radio were all static but then faintly a very familiar song started playing through the speakers. I got chills as soon as I heard the chorus kick in. I looked at my mom who was looking at the radio in fear, and in the backseat at my brother who was about 2 seconds from completely losing his shit. My brother was the first to speak, “This has to be some kind of joke. Maybe the radio station is just playing a prank on the listeners.” Mom and I didnt say anything, we didn't have a chance to because as soon as the final note of the song played, the man with the sing-song voice said “are we ready to go? If not, just say so. It won't make a difference but it's good for the show!” And just like last time, Hotel California started playing again.

3. Theo

I dont know what the fuck is going on with the radio, but that is the least of my worries. Everyone is calling me a faggot now. No one will get dressed around me in the locker room, they change in the stalls or wait until I have my pads and jersey on and am on my way out the door to the field. I've been the quarterback of every football team I've been on since I was 8 years old. I have always had the perfect grades, the best looks, the hottest girls. The problem is, I never wanted any of those girls that were all over me. I only ever wanted one person, my best friend, Chad.

Chad and I have been best friends for as long as I can remember, all the way back to the sandbox. We have had every class together since preschool and our moms were best friends, we went on vacations together. It has been me and him basically our whole lives. It's only natural that some feelings start to develop, right? That's what I keep telling myself anyway. Maybe if he was a girl it would be more natural, but ya can't help who ya fall in love with, right? I never told anyone or made a move at all until one night last week. He was over at my house “studying” i mean, we were really just drinking beer and playing video games but for parent purposes, we were studying. Anyway, we started throwing popcorn at each other and then our faces ended up inches apart and I took a shot. I leaned in and kissed him. It was everything I thought it would be for about 15 seconds before he started to freak out. He ran out the door and my life ended.

I went to school the next day and noticed everyone starting at me. It really wasnt unusual, but then i got to my locker and someone had written faggot on it. Some guys on the team were standing across the hall laughing, a few of the girls i used to date gave me disgusted looks, and the worst was the pitying looks the gay dudes from drama were giving me. Like I was one of them. I fucking wasnt. I never liked a guy before, I could always get it up when fucking girls. He was just different. I cant explain it. I have been tortured for the last week and im done dealing with it. I had planned on taking my truck out to the river and driving it in, but mom had other plans. Ill have to wait until we get back i guess, or I could just do it there. I know Poppy has dads old gun somewhere in the house, I can find it and go out into the woods and put an end to all of this bullshit.

“Yo, Marce turn the radio back on. I dont give a shit if that song comes back on. I'm just sick of hearing all of us breathing and sighing. Its driving me fucking nuts.” “Watch your mouth Theodore.” I flipped her off and reached between the seats to flip the radio on myself and sure enough. Hotel California was playing again. I was pretty sure the weird dude was going to talk again but im also pretty sure it is a recording so i dont really give a fuck. He started rhyming again as soon as it was over, “You all wanted to die, but didnt get a chance to try. Talk amongst yourselves and find out you were all living a lie.”

4. Clara

“This is really starting to freak me out” Marcy said while trying to change the station to literally anything else. It's almost like the sing-song man knows what I'm thinking. Except he said we were all living a lie. What are my children hiding? Have I missed something? I don't understand what's happening. None of this makes sense and it's really making me anxious. My anxiety has been pretty high ever since our near miss with that truck earlier, but this is making my blood run cold. There's something about the man's voice and how and what he says.

I'm trying to stay calm on the surface so my kids don't pick up on the panic but it's definitely getting harder to hide. Theo is bouncing his knee up and down in the backseat, we are going to have to switch soon so he can drive. I'm starting to get really tired. I need to find a rest stop so we can all get out and stretch our legs, but I haven't even seen a mile marker in i don't know how long. Come to think of it, I haven't seen any other cars either.

“Let me know if you guys see a sign for a rest stop. I haven't seen a sign or anything for a long time.” I said to the kids knowing they were probably ignoring me as usual, however they both said ok at almost the same time. They were paying attention for once. A quick peek into the rearview mirror showed me that Theo was starting to get scared. He is usually a pretty level-headed kid and not easily spooked, but this road trip has definitely been one for the weird books. Marcy seems to be handling things well, just chewing on her fingernails but that's nothing unusual, especially lately. I haven't thought to ask what's been going on with her, I've just been trying to get through my own shit, which makes me realize I truly am a shitty mom. It'll be over soon though, so much better this way.

We drove another 15 miles according to my odometer and yet there had been no signage, no other vehicles, no rest stops, nothing. I was about to open my mouth and tell the kids what was going through my head when the radio turned itself on. All 3 of our heads snapped toward the radio as we heard the ending of Hotel California. Ya know, I used to love that song, now if i never hear it again, it'll be too soon. The sing-song man started talking again, “Have you figured it out? I have no doubt, if you'd have pulled the trigger, you'd have gotten here quicker.” he followed the creepy poetry with an evil sounding laugh before the next play of Hotel California started. “Ok seriously, what the fuck is happening?” Theo said from the backseat looking thoroughly panic stricken. I didnt know what to say back to him because i dont know what the fuck is happening either so I cant console him right now. Luckily Marcy piped up before I had much chance to think about what i would say. “I don't know but this shit is fucked. Why is it like he's talking to us and why in the hell have there been no other cars?!”

Shit. I was hoping they hadn't noticed that. “I'm not sure but I noticed a while back that there have been no other cars and also no road signs. I don't know what to do other than keep driving and hope for the best.”

“That's a real shit plan Mom. We just drive..to where exactly? If there are no exits, no signs, no people, where the fuck are we going?!”

“I don't know Theo! Do you have any better ideas?? If so, I'd love to hear them!”

This is not how I wanted this shit to go. I just wanted to drop them off and be done, why is this happening? “Pull over, let me drive, ill figure it out.”

I pull to the shoulder and put the car in park. I try to open the door to switch places with Theo but the door won't open. I pushed the unlock button but the door still wouldn't budge. Theo is struggling with his too. I don't understand why we can't get out of the car. “I'm just going to climb back there and you get up front. I don't know what's up with the doors but we can still switch.” I climbed to the back of the car and sat down and then Theo made his way up front and we were on the road again in no time.

Theo is a really good driver. He is younger than Marcy but she was too afraid to get a license so she didn't and he takes her to school or wherever she needs to go. He is really protective and loving, even though they fight like cats and dogs, and has really stepped up as the man of the house. I always feel safe when my little boy is at home with me. Both of them are mouthy little shits sometimes though. Teenagers, right? Right now though, I see the scared little boy I used to see when he would have a nightmare in the middle of the night. I think we all three know that this isn't normal, something really fucked up is going on. I just hope we can figure it out soon, for all of our sakes.

5. Marcy

“I need to tell you guys something.” I said while trying to keep my shit together. “The shit on the radio, might just be something stupid but what if its not? What if we have to get all of our fucked up bullshit out there and then we can get out of this car? I have needed to talk about this for a while but i didn't know how. I am still not quite sure how to say it so i'm just going to blurt it out and i need you both to be quiet until i'm done talking. Please.”

They both agreed and I started telling them about what happened to me at the party. I kept my eyes closed the entire time I was telling my story and when I opened them, I saw something I didn't expect. We were stopped in the middle of the road and my little brother was crying. I hadn't seen him show any emotions except for anger and annoyance in who knows how long. He reached over and held my hand. I could hear my mom making short jagged breaths and then felt her hand rest on my shoulder. It feels like a weight has been lifted. Saying what happened out loud and what my feelings have been the last month was a lot to let go of. I'm glad I told them but now i have to tell them the other part.

“There's more. I planned on killing myself during this break. I honestly don't feel like that now, now that you guys know. I just felt so alone for so long. Thank you both for letting me talk and for not judging me. I love you guys.”

“I love you Marce” Theo hadn't told me that since we were little. It made my eyes start leaking too. My mom has stayed silent but I could feel her love.

About 30 seconds later, the radio popped itself on and the sing-song man started talking again, only this time he wasn't rhyming and didn't sound like he was enjoying himself. “It's about damn time one of you started telling the truth. So many sins, so little time. Who will be next? Decide quickly, this game is getting boring.”

“What kind of sick fucking game is this?!” I am used to Theo talking like that but this time, it was mom who was cussing. She has apparently had enough of our creepy radio antics.

“Kids, don't say another word. You can't win or lose a game you don't participate in. Let's just turn the car around and go home. We don't need this vacation. We just need to go home.” Theo started trying to turn the car around but he couldn't get the wheel to turn. He started cussing when the radio said “stay the course.” Apparently, we can't leave the car and we can't turn around either.

6. Theo

I guess it's my turn. I never wanted to tell my mom and sister just how fucked up I feel. I never wanted anyone to know. I just wanted it over and now i have to talk just to try and save my family from whatever the fuck is going on. I took a long deep breath before I began telling them my secret. I explained that I loved Chad and he broke my heart and humiliated me at school. Everyone is making fun of me. No one treats me the same. Life feels heavy and unbearable.

“I was going to kill myself when we got here. I have been in my own world lately with this and I feel like a piece of shit for not seeing what was happening with you, Marce, and Mom, I don't know what is going on with you but clearly there's something since you are stuck here too. We just need to get through this, all of this, together. I know we can do it. I'm so sorry guys, I'm so sorry.”

Through many tears, we made it through my confession. I'm hoping that is enough for the weird guy to just let us go. I wish i knew how we were being held here but I can't even wrap my mind around the fact that someone is talking to us through the damn car radio. As if he read my mind, the radio started talking again. “Two down, one to go, the hardest confessions are the best to know.”

“What the fuck does that mean?” I said aloud to no one in particular. I heard my mom sigh in the backseat. She knew it was her turn. Marcy and I had already told our darkest secrets, she was the only one left in the car. From the sound of her breathing, she was really afraid to say whatever it was she was about to say.

Marcy was the first to break the silence that followed the weird radio guy, “Mom just say what it is, you can do this. Theo and I did it and Idk about him but I feel so much better after getting it off of my chest, like maybe i can overcome this. We can start over somewhere new. Somewhere no one knows us. We don't have to die to make our pain stop, i know that now. Please mom, just help us finish this.”

“Whatever it is, we will be ok. I promise.” I said as I squeezed her hand that was still resting on my sister's shoulder.

“Ok. I'm so sorry.” The biggest bomb of all was about to drop.

7. Clara

I guess it's time. I knew I had to tell them, and I knew they were going to hate me. My brave babies had just bared their souls and told me some horribly painful things that have happened to them recently and I am about to tell them something that is going to hurt them even worse. How can I do this to them?

“I want to start by saying how sorry I am for what I am about to tell you. I'm not sorry for what I did. I want to be absolutely clear about that, but I am sorry for the pain it will most likely cause you two. You both make me so proud and I don't know that I could have made it this long without the two of you. Please keep in mind when I tell you this, that I love you both. More than you can even imagine…..I'm the one who killed your father. I made it look like a suicide. He abused me for years and then one night, I walked into your bedroom Theo, and I saw him trying to touch you and I completely lost it. I didn't have a lot of time to think, so I acted. I know this is a really hard and fucked up thing to hear, but this is what I did. I'm so sorry. I can't begin to express that to you.”

Theo had pulled the car over quite a while ago, I'm not exactly sure when but he is gripping the steering wheel so hard his knuckles are white and tears are flowing down his cheeks. Fuck, I should have lied. Said anything to appease the sing-song man. I can’t see Marcys face but her shoulders are shaking and strangled sobs are coming from her throat.

“Someone say something. Please, I'm begging you.” Right on cue, the sing-song man returned.

“Now that was quite the tale, there's one more thing you forgot to say, tell us all and save the day!”

Shit. I guess lying by omission doesn't work.

“Fuck. ok, Marcy. Marcy, can you look at me please?” Marcy turned her head to look at me, I tried to touch her face to wipe her tears but she moved away before I could. “Honey, I really don't know how to say this, so I’m just going to say it. I am not your birth mother. Your father had an affair with a young girl and she didn't want the baby. Your dad decided he would take the baby and that he and I would raise it, you, as if you were mine. I have never felt anything but love for you since the moment I looked into your beautiful blue eyes. There's one more thing. I was going to drop you two off with your grandparents and then I was going to go kill myself. Apparently that's what we had all planned on doing. I wish we could have just talked about all of this a long time ago. I'm so so sorry about all of this. I don't know what else to do or say. I just want you both to know that I love you and I'm sorry.”

The silence that followed my confessions was deafening. I would have taken all of this to the grave with me. The kids seemed to feel better after their confessions, but I feel so much worse. I don't know how we can come back from this or if we can come back from it at all. Marcy is the first to break the silence.

“You're not my mom? I mean, biologically?” she said in the saddest voice i have ever heard.

“No baby, I'm not. But I'm your mom in every way that counts. I've never, not loved you.”

“You killed dad….because of me?” Theo sounded almost proud.

Before I could say anything the radio started blasting Hotel California,...”You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave...you can never leave...you can never leave…” The last part kept repeating. Theo was trying to turn it off, but it wouldn't. He couldn't get the volume to turn down. It was hurting my ears, it was incredibly loud. It stopped as abruptly as it started, and the sing-song man was back once again.

“See? That wasn't so bad was it? Now, drive forward. I have a surprise for you.” The laugh that followed gave me immediate goosebumps. Theo pressed on the gas and we started moving forward. About a mile up the road we saw the flashing lights of ambulances and police vehicles. It was dark so I couldn't make out what was ahead of us, other than it was clearly some sort of accident.

Theo placed the car in park, rolled down his window and tried to get the attention of an officer standing by. The officer didnt seem to hear him, maybe all of the ruckus of the scene in front of him was making it hard to hear. A paramedic came running from behind an ambulance and started vomiting. It must have been a terrible sight to see. I tried the door handle and the car door opened. The kids tried theirs and they opened too. We all go out and walked towards the officer.

“Excuse me, sir. What happened?” Marcy asked the man. He didnt respond and made no indication that he even heard her. Again she tried to speak to the officer but to no avail. Theo waved a hand in front of the mans face but he didnt notice it at all.

“Can they not see us?” asked Marcy. “It doesn't seem like it. What the fuck?” Theo sounded more panicked now than he had all night. I took the hand of each of my kids in mine and we walked forward, not knowing what we would be seeing.

There was a truck flipped over in the middle of the road with a distraught man sitting outside of it on the ground, being attended to. He must have been driving that car. To my right was a dark blue sedan, the windows of which were bright red with blood and who knows what else. I recognized the car immediately. It was ours.

I let out a guttural scream when I saw my sweet boy's body mangled and hanging from the rear passenger side window. His eyes were open and it looked like he was staring right at me. He was holding my hand though, how is this even possible?

“Mama” he said and squeezed. Marcy was on the other side of me shaking as we walked around the side of the car and saw her lifeless body being covered with a sheet by an EMT. How is this possible? We are here, together. We are ok. How am I seeing this? None of these questions will ever be answered most likely.

I'm afraid of seeing what's coming next. Me. Walking around to the drivers side proves to be difficult. It feels like my feet are stuck in mud, thick and heavy. The kids help move me along and we take in the sight of me, together. They gasp and sob, I had closed my eyes. Opening them was a terrible idea. My head was basically gone. The impact, I'm guessing, caused it to virtually explode. That explains the mess on the windows. It was me. The blood, the matter. It was all me.

The police cars and ambulances all started to loudly play Hotel California. EMTs and Police officers rushed to their respective vehicles to try and get it to shut off, when the lyrics started repeating themselves again, like a broken record. “You can never leave, you can never leave, you can never leave.”

The sing-song man spoke but no one but us seemed to hear him…

“This is what happens to people who want to die so bad but didn't get the chance. The universe decides when your time is up, not you. It's much too bad that you didn't relieve yourself of your secrets sooner, things might have turned out differently but at least you're together right? Don't forget you can never leave, Man, I love that song. Anyway, My names Elrick. Welcome to the time loop. Enjoy your time in Purgatory, James family.”