The Box Between Us

“Why is it still here.”

“I told you not to touch it.”

“It’s in the closet.”

“It was in the back.”

“It’s still here.”

“So am I.”

“That’s not the same thing.”

“Why do you get to decide that.”

“I’m not deciding anything. I’m asking.”

“You’re asking the same thing you always ask.”

“Because the answer hasn’t changed.”

“Neither has the box.”

“You said you’d think about it.”

“I did think about it.”

“And.”

“And I decided I’m not ready.”

“It’s been months.”

“I know how time works.”

“Do you.”

“Yes.”

“Because it doesn’t look like it.”

“Don’t do that.”

“Do what.”

“Talk like I’m frozen.”

“You are frozen.”

“I’m careful.”

“With what.”

“With it.”

“You won’t even say the word.”

“I don’t have to.”

“You won’t say anything.”

“I say plenty.”

“You say ‘later.’”

“Later is a real time.”

“Not if it never comes.”

“Why does it bother you so much.”

“You know why.”

“Say it.”

“It keeps us stuck.”

“It keeps me breathing.”

“That’s dramatic.”

“It’s true.”

“It’s a box.”

“It’s not.”

“It’s papers and what ifs that don’t matter anymore.”

“They mattered.”

“They don’t exist.”

“They existed.”

“And now they don’t.”

“And I do.”

“And you’re choosing the box over me.”

“I’m choosing myself.”

“You’re choosing something that hurts you.”

“You don’t get to tell me what hurts.”

“I watch it hurt you.”

“You watch me cry once and you think you understand.”

“I watched you every night for weeks.”

“You watched me try to survive.”

“And this is how you do it.”

“Yes.”

“By keeping reminders.”

“By keeping proof.”

“Of what.”

“That it was real.”

“It being real doesn’t change anything.”

“It changes everything.”

“It doesn’t bring it back.”

“I know.”

“Then why.”

“Because throwing it out feels like lying.”

“To who.”

“To myself.”

“You’re not lying.”

“I would be.”

“You’re allowed to move on.”

“I’m not moving on. I’m moving with it.”

“You can’t carry it forever.”

“I’m not asking to.”

“You’re acting like it.”

“I’m acting like someone who lost something.”

“You chose—”

“Don’t.”

“You made a choice.”

“I made a decision I didn’t want to make.”

“It was still a choice.”

“So is staying.”

“So is leaving.”

“So is telling me what to grieve.”

“I’m not telling you what to grieve.”

“You’re telling me how.”

“I’m telling you this isn’t healthy.”

“Healthy doesn’t mean empty.”

“It means letting go.”

“It means not pretending nothing happened.”

“I’m not pretending.”

“You want it gone.”

“I want us to be okay.”

“I can be okay and still keep it.”

“You haven’t been okay.”

“Neither have you.”

“I’m trying.”

“So am I.”

“By hiding a box.”

“By keeping it where I can breathe.”

“You open it.”

“Sometimes.”

“And then.”

“And then I sit with it.”

“And cry.”

“Sometimes.”

“And you think that helps.”

“It keeps me from disappearing.”

“You don’t disappear.”

“I almost did.”

“You’re here.”

“I stayed.”

“So did I.”

“You didn’t have to.”

“I wanted to.”

“Then why are you making me feel like this.”

“Because I’m scared.”

“Of a box.”

“Of losing you to it.”

“You won’t.”

“You already have, a little.”

“I’m still talking to you.”

“You’re not with me.”

“I am.”

“Then choose me.”

“I can choose you and still keep it.”

“Why can’t you choose us.”

“I am choosing us by being honest.”

“You’re choosing pain.”

“I’m choosing truth.”

“Truth hurts.”

“So does erasing it.”

“I don’t want it erased.”

“You want it hidden.”

“I want it gone.”

“That’s erasing.”

“That’s surviving.”

“That’s avoiding.”

“That’s coping.”

“You’re clinging.”

“I’m holding.”

“What’s in it.”

“You know what’s in it.”

“I’ve never seen it.”

“You don’t need to.”

“I do.”

“Why.”

“Because it’s between us.”

“It’s mine.”

“It affects us.”

“So do you.”

“That’s different.”

“Why.”

“Because I’m here.”

“So is the box.”

“It doesn’t talk back.”

“It doesn’t leave.”

“It doesn’t tell me to get over it.”

“I never said that.”

“You imply it every time you ask.”

“I’m asking because I love you.”

“You’re asking because you’re uncomfortable.”

“Yes.”

“With my grief.”

“Yes.”

“At least you’re honest.”

“I don’t know how to live with it.”

“You don’t have to live in it.”

“I’m not.”

“You visit.”

“I remember.”

“You stay too long.”

“You want to put a time limit on it.”

“I want a future.”

“So do I.”

“One without this.”

“One that includes all of me.”

“Not this part.”

“This part is me.”

“Not forever.”

“Longer than you’re letting me.”

“What if it never ends.”

“Then I learn how to live anyway.”

“And I just watch.”

“You learn too.”

“I don’t want to.”

“I didn’t want to either.”

“You’re being unfair.”

“So was losing it.”

“You’re pushing me away.”

“I’m asking you not to push me.”

“By keeping it.”

“By letting me keep it.”

“What if I can’t.”

“Then tell me that.”

“I’m telling you now.”

“Then I hear you.”

“And.”

“And I’m still not getting rid of it.”

“So what am I supposed to do.”

“Stay.”

“While you choose it.”

“While I choose myself.”

“I don’t know if I can.”

“Then say that.”

“I don’t want to leave.”

“Then don’t make me disappear.”

“I’m not trying to.”

“You are when you ask me to throw it away.”

“I’m asking you to choose now.”

“I’m choosing now.”

“And it’s the box.”

“It’s me.”

“They’re not the same.”

“They are to me.”

“I can’t compete with something that never got to grow up.”

“I’m not asking you to.”

“I feel like I’m living with a ghost.”

“I’m living with a loss.”

“I’m right here.”

“So am I.”

“I don’t want to resent you.”

“Then don’t make me choose between my grief and you.”

“I don’t know how to stay otherwise.”

“Then we learn.”

“I’m tired.”

“So am I.”

“I just want peace.”

“So do I.”

“And the box doesn’t feel peaceful.”

“It feels honest.”

“I don’t know what to do.”

“You don’t have to do anything.”

“I can’t just accept it.”

“You don’t have to love it.”

“I hate it.”

“I know.”

“I hate that it’s here.”

“I know.”

“I hate that I can’t fix this.”

“I know.”

“I hate that I’m jealous of it.”

“I know.”

“I hate that I’m scared of losing you to something I never met.”

“I know.”

“Do you.”

“Yes.”

“Then why keep it.”

“Because losing it once was enough.”