Taken Too Soon

This was supposed to be a summer of memories. We were supposed to create something magical that you could hold onto in moments that were challenging, and that I could remember even when you pass. I would hold people to your standards and smile about how lucky I had been to have you in my life.

All I wanted was to be able to say that I met a person who showed me the kind of love that no one else ever had. The only adult in my life to be genuine and loving and supportive of me. Stolen moments with you, were worth more than any moment with another. A proper summer break with you, would have been worth more than it's weight in gold.

We had planned a trip to the seaside. You wanted to watch the sun go down with a mint choc chip ice cream melting in your hands, and I wanted to walk along the shoreline, the gentle waves of water caressing our feet. Cocktails for breakfast with a pastry or two and at least one traditional fish and chips supper was the extent of our plans. Other than that, we just wanted to feel carefree and able to do whatever we wanted.

From the moment I had first met you I had been smitten by you. You were so cheeky, flirty, naughty and funny, with a hint of I can care for you. We had to spend an hour on the train back from a special meeting and that was where our story started. I was laughing so loud that the whole carriage must have thought I was crazy. There was some inappropriate language coming out of my mouth, and then I fell silent and gazed out of the window pondering over who you were. Who was this funny old man that I barely knew yet wanted to get closer to?

You placed your hand, cautiously and bravely on my leg and out of the corner of my eye I could see you gazing at me. I didn't react because I didn't want others who were with us to know and because I liked how reassuring it felt.

As we got off the train at Kings Cross in London, there was a busker singing, just like today, and you suggested that they must be serenading us. I felt so happy in that moment and you gave me just a light kiss on my lips. It was perfect! How different it feels today listening to this person singing about how I feel now that I will never see you again.

I was trying so hard to not cry. I kept holding my breath, but my bottom lip was trembling and my eyes were filling up. I quietly dabbed at them and hoped that you were looking down on me trying to comfort me and happy in the knowledge that I really love you even though we were not allowed to really talk about emotions.

I will always remember that journey and how it shaped the next few years of my life. I will always remember the times we sat at the station because all we had was an hour and we both had to go off different ways. And I will never forget our car journeys! Oh how they went from PG to X-rated. Well as X-rated as can be when in a car that is driving along the motorway.

The sun is making me feel tired! It is just so hot today, it really would have been the perfect day to travel to the coast. The traffic may have been a bit of a nightmare, but I would have been able to entertain us if we came to a standstill. I reckon we would have stopped off at the services and gone for a cheeky burger with a nice cold milkshake. It wouldn't have been the same without a few chocolate bars either, melting in our fingers. Oh how I would have accidently on purpose got some on your arm to playfully lick when at the traffic lights. I just enjoyed the way you would tell me to stop it.

Why did you have to pass away already? I know that you are a much older man, but couldn't we just have enjoyed a nice break together. A summer in the sun where the only expectation would be to make each other smile, and to laugh often. Just being each others comfort and reason to be happy, away from all the stresses and strains of everyday life.

I will now spend the rest of the summer, imagining what it would have been like, staring at pictures of you that I adore and sitting on the bench at the station staring into space and smiling to myself about how it felt when we sat there together. I know you will join me in spirit and you will also be willing me to get up and move on. Just like I know that you are here now listening to me and wanting to show me how much you love me.

The summer that never was, but will always be a fantasy of mine till the day I join you up there. If at that point you will have me.