Take That, Kieran

“Hello?”

“I just saw your ad on Facebook Marketplace.”

“Wow, that was quick. I posted it less than five minutes ago. You are talking about the set of mirrors with the fancy frames, aren’t you? The mirrors with, like, iron flowers and stuff around the edges?”

“Yes. Did you stick the ‘Hi Kieran’ sign on the right-hand mirror?”

“I did.”

“Can I buy your mirror if my name’s not Kieran? The sign sort of implies that you expect Kieran – or someone called Kieran – to see your ad and want to buy the mirrors.”

“Of course, you can buy them. First in, best dressed, and all that. That note is only there so he’ll see that I’m selling them.”

“I’m not sure I should say this, but your artistic skills leave a bit to be desired. The text seems a bit wonky and odd since some letters are uppercase and others lowercase, and not where you’d expect an uppercase or lowercase to be. And the little bald-headed face with the odd ears that you’ve drawn at the bottom? It looks a bit like a monkey … Oh, I heard you sigh just then. Is it supposed to look like that?”

“It’s a portrait of Kieran. It’s very accurate. If you were to see that face on the street, you’d know it was Kieran without asking him for ID.”

“I’m sorry, you sound upset. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“That’s fine. I never pretended to be an artist, you know. That was more Kieran’s thing, anyway. Although, some of what he calls art? Well, let’s just say, not too many art critics would even want it on a doormat, let alone hanging on the wall. Probably why his parents used to put the pictures he brought home from school on the washing machine in the basement rather than on the fridge where anyone would see them.”

“That’s probably too much information. I’m feeling a little overwhelmed, now.”

“Sorry, but do you want the mirrors? I’ve got stuff I need to be doing.”

“Are they actually yours to sell? It now sounds like you’re saying they belong to Kieran.”

“Possession is nine-tenths of the law, isn’t it? I’m possessing them and Kieran’s not here, so I’m selling them.”

“Where is Kieran? Would he want you to sell them?”

“I don’t know where Kieran is right now, and I don’t really care. Last I saw him, he was sleeping with my fiancé. Do you want the mirrors or not?”

“I’ll think about it. I might call you back.”

“OK, bye.”

***

“Hello?”

“Hi, you had a set of mirrors for sale? Are they still available?”

“I do and they are.”

“My name’s Kieran and your ad really spoke to me. I’m probably not the Kieran your note’s referring to, but I do look a little bit like the picture on it. Maybe that’s just what most Kierans look like? But that whole note thing you’re doing in the ad is so random and weird, but at the same time strangely compelling. I can’t look away.”

“That’s nice. Do you want the mirrors?”

“I’m not sure. They’re very fancy mirrors. Why is Kieran selling them?”

“Kieran’s not selling them. I am. Kieran loves these mirrors. He inherited them from his dead grandmother. Now he needs to learn how it feels when you take things that don’t belong to you. Do you want the mirrors or not?”

“I don’t really need the mirrors, but I would like to buy the note.”

“They come as a package deal. You want the note, you take the mirrors, too.”

“I’m not sure I’ve got space for that many mirrors. Let me think about it.”

“OK, don’t think too long. The phone’s been ringing off the hook, and the mirrors won’t last long. Bye.”

***

“Hello?”

“I was talking to you just a little while ago. I think I was the first person you spoke to? If I buy the mirrors, will I get in trouble for receiving stolen goods?”

“No, you won’t because they’re not stolen. Kieran left them in my house. Sure, they’re in his room but it’s my house. Do you want them or not?”

“Can you hold them for me while I think about it a bit longer?”

“No. No, I can’t hold them for you. These mirrors are going to the first person who gives me fifty bucks.”

“Oh, well I’m still not sure.”

“OK, bye.”

***

“Hello?”

“Hi, you’re selling a set of mirrors, one of which has a note on it? A note for someone named Kieran?”

“I am. Fifty bucks and they’re yours.”

“I had a boyfriend called Kieran who cheated on me. If I buy your mirrors, I’ll be buying them just to smash them. Would that be alright?”

“That would be perfect. My Kieran needs a mirror-shaped hole in his heart, like the fiancé-shaped one he left in mine. I’ll give you a discount if you let me watch you destroy them. How does thirty bucks sound?”

“That sounds perfect. I can come round now if that’s convenient.”

“I’ve just texted you my address.”

“I’ll be there in about twenty minutes.”

“See you soon.”

***

“Hello? Please tell me you didn’t change your mind. I’ve got a spot out back that’ll be perfect ... oh, it's you.”

“What the f*** are you doing, selling my mirrors?”