Take Me to Your Leader

Her cruiser read the planet's atmosphere chemistry. Analysis revealed actual biochemistry, enough to postpone her next assignment and divert.

She was part of the inspection initiative created by godlike creatures who had constructed her to seek out and catalog new life and new civilizations as prospective partners in galactic idealism.

Her biometrometer identified isotopic compositions of carbon, nitrogen, and hydrogen, suggesting organics. The sulfur and oxygen isotope ratios and compositions of redox-sensitive metals looked very promising.

Her ship alighted at 46.8797° N, 110.3626° W.

It was desolate.

"Oh," she said, stepping down the ship's lowered ramp, "the sky looks so big here."

She heard some rustling in the bushes. To her amazement, a 7-foot-tall, overly hirsute, foul-smelling biped approached. Assuming he was a primitive creature, she was surprised when he spoke.

"We have a lot in common," he said.

"Explain, creature," she requested in monotone.

"UFOs and Yeti are spectacular things to see, garnering much excitement among the others here on Earth."

"You sound educated," she said.

"I hide away and read whenever I can. Right now I'm reading Camus. Much better than Goodall. I have a whole library up in that tree."

"Creature, are you the only lifeform?"

"I'm the main one," the Bigfoot said. "In fact I'm the leader."

"How lucky for me!"

"Going east until you hit a large continent, there are other bipeds there, but they're pretty stupid and will probably just throw their shit at you. Called monkeys."

"No thanks, creature. But that explains all the methane."

"Indeed. I like it."

"An acquired taste, creature. Now, I'll be off. Must render my report."

"OK," the Yeti said, handing her two books.

"Camus? Goodall?" she asked.

"N0. You'll see."

Back at Exo-Inventory Central, she reported:

• Two life forms only.
• One intelligent, articulate, but prohibitively rank.
• Another that throws shit at you.

Recommendation: Pass on

"Those two books about them confirm your recommendation," answered the Chief Inventorian. "Mein Kampf was absurdist fiction, and this little red book, here, is just uninspired dross in the horror genre."

"Should they be reviewed by Endo-Inventory for possible impact on galactic idealism?" she asked.

"No. We're certain they'd go nowhere. No civilized society would even consider them."