Swallowing The Moment

Raven storms into her one bedroom studio, throwing off her jacket and kicking off her shoes. The place reeks of overflowing trash cans, dirty dishes, and re-worn laundry. She quickly grabs her last bottle of cheap vodka and begins to gulp down what’s left as she waits for her weed man to bring her what she most desperately needs this night. Every gulp designed to drown her emotions and every puff intended to cloud her mind. She lives in the city of dreams yet can’t grasp a vision of her own.

Upon the arrival of her weed man, she scrapes up the loose cash from the inside of her purse that gets caught between some old receipts and metro cards. She sorts her cash while walking out her apartment door into the hallway. The elevator was slower than usual allowing Raven’s thoughts to drift towards an undesired state. With her biggest fear being to experience regret, she ponders her future and what her true passion could possibly be. Everyone around her seems to be acquainted with their life paths or have ideas of where they are. However, Raven walks aimlessly with no sense of direction to any path. Despite being in her twenties, she feels the weight of time becoming heavier everyday.

She finally makes it out the elevator and meets Devin, who has been selling to her for years. She approaches his grey Toyota Camry that is usually parked 4 cars down from the right side of the building’s front door. “Hey what’s up?” he says to Raven with his window is rolled down and his arm resting on it. He uncups his hands to reveal a small bag that contains her favorite herb. She promptly puts her folded up cash on his open palm, said “thank you”, and walked away while mentally deciding to take the stairs back up. When returning back to her apartment, the mess was more noticeable to her than when she first arrived home. She ignores the mess again and swiftly packs her bong with her beloved herb in hopes of dimming her worries. Her mind became cloudy, but her thoughts became a storm that was pouring down on her. Contemplating if she is wasting her time graduating college with a degree she has no emotions towards. All the possible outcomes pounce around in her head, like what if she graduates and then realizes she has a passion. Or worse, if she graduates and is in the same situation she’s in presently.

The following morning Raven is woken up to a headache and considers calling out of work. She remembered her job was short-staffed this week and despises the way some of her coworkers treat the patients when there are fewer employees. What she does know is that the nursing home is not her passion, especially her position as a clerk. However, Raven doesn’t like others committing to a job and them not attempting their best at it. She knew that she should go in.

15 minutes after arriving at work, she is already asked to stay for the night shift. She works on the 3rd floor, checking people in and out. Her desk is in the main area where the patients lounge around; it’s a large room with many tables, a few couches, and two TV’s. It is busy at the home and there is definitely not enough employees to take care of all the patients. A few hours into the shift and she starts to notice that some patients have soiled themselves. Gina, who is one of the few of Raven’s favorite workers there, passes by and Raven stops her and says “Hey Gina I’m sorry to bother you with it being so busy”.

“No problem. Whats going on?” Gina replies.

“It’s just those patients over there are soiled and I haven’t seen any aids around them for a while now” Raven explains.

“Wow! It’s disgusting how the aids responsible for them don’t care. Let me get someone to help me with them, I’ll be right back.” Gina responds.

Towards the end of her shift, Raven is asked to cover the front door desk downstairs since visitation hours were ending in 10 minutes, at 8pm. It was calmer at the first floor since all the managers and most of the employees left by 7pm. By 8:06pm, a lady runs in panting “Hello! Please don’t tell me it’s too late to see my mother in room 412?!”. The lady blurts out.

“Visitation hours are over and the home’s policy doesn’t allow for visitors past 8pm.”. Raven explains.

Tears burst out of the lady’s eyes. “Please, I drove over 3 hours just to make it here today. She’s my mother and I haven’t seen her months” the lady begs and cries.

She rarely saw family members so eager and hysterical about seeing the patients here. She’d occasionally witness excitement but most of the time the family members wouldn’t didn’t care enough to go or found it too depressing. But this lady’s emotions acted as a magnet for Raven’s sympathy. She knew the managers weren’t there and that most of the aids wouldn’t care either.

“Alright, just this one time. I’ll bring you up myself. Just let me lock the front door just in case. What your name?” she replies.

“Thank you so much! My name is Eva. Do I still have to sign-in?” Eva asks.

“No. If there was a record of you coming in past 8pm today, I’d lose my job” she responds.

Raven escorts Eva upstairs to her mother’s room. She takes the stairs instead of the elevators to alleviate the risk. The upstairs hallways were louder than she expected as they walked towards the room. They could hear the TV’s playing and distant audio of patient’s talking on their phones. When they reached the outside of the door, Raven could feel the excitement radiating off Eva. She opens the door to her mother’s room and she is sitting down on a chair, watching TV in her room. She turned towards the door and her face lit up when she saw her daughter.

“Momma!” Eva yells simultaneously while running to her mother’s chair to embrace her. The mother was trembling in shock after seeing her daughter and asks “my baby, how did you find me? How did they let you in here at this time?”.

Eva pointed at Raven, “the really nice lady over there let me in to see you as a huge favor” she replies.

“That is amazing! It must be my lucky day.” her mother responds.

Raven continued to observe them from the door like it was magic. All she can think about is how much this was worth risking her job and the regret she would feel if she didn’t let the lady inside the home. This moment made her entire job worthwhile and gave meaning to her daily routine of checking people in and out, that she otherwise would’ve regarded as insignificant. This was her first time defying a policy and she would do it all over again if she had to. She patiently waits behind the door not only to ensure that no one recgonizes the lady as a visitor, but to absorb the sensation of emotions that filled the room.

When Eva is finished with her visit, Raven escorts her back downstairs. As they walk down the staircase, Eva tells her “If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have been able to see my mother for another while”.

“I’m glad I made the right decision.” Raven replies.

“I know I would’ve regretted not letting you in” she adds.

“Well I appreciate you more than you know” Eva says to her as they arrive at the front door.

Raven unlocks the door for her and she leaves the home. It is 9pm and she gets off in an hour.

During her last hour, she can’t help but think that providing joy to others is something she might be passionate about. She experienced many emotions before but none were ever rooted through selflessness. She wasn’t fond of the idea of being responsible for the physical care of people, but was now intrigued by the mental and emotional care of others.

When she arrives home, she doesn’t drink but still smokes. Except now she isn’t smoking to detach from her thoughts. She is allowing her thoughts to roam freely. Her decision tonight proved that she can trust herself to make adequate choices. She doesn’t know exactly where shes going but knows where to start. There is a place on earth for her after all.