I Almost Lived My Life

One of the corrections officer’s comes to grab me from my cell to take me to the visitor’s lounge to see my mom and my 2 year-old daughter, Eva. My release date is just in a few days so we’ll need to discuss the arrangements of them picking me up. He puts the handcuffs on and we make our way to the visitors lounge. As we’re walking away from my cell I realize how accustomed I’ve becomed to all the nasty smells of the prison and begin to imagine what the outside world will be like again. To walk into a clean bedroom with the bed made and a scented candle lit. Thirty months of prison food changes you. I’ve spent every night of the last several months imagining myself eating pizza or a juicy steak. We arrive at the visitors lounge where I already see my mother and daughter waiting at one of the tables. The officer takes the handcuffs off and I walk up to their table to hug them immediately. Regardless of what we’ve been through, I appreciate her getting me a lawyer that reduced six months off my sentence.

“You must be excited to get out soon!” my mother tells me as we all sit down at the table.

“I am. Did they tell you what time I will be released?” I ask her.

“Not exactly but they told me to show up in the morning in case it’s early” she responds.

“Thank you mom for getting that lawyer and letting me stay with you once I’m out” I say.

“No problem but you do have to take care of Eva now and help out with the bills… so you should get a job” she tells me.

“Well that’s going to take some time since not a lot of places are willing to hire someone with a sexual assault charge.” I point out.

“Then you have to search hard” she quickly responds.

This wouldn’t have happened if my mother kept her medicine drawer locked and if my high school crush didn’t lead me on to then reject me for someone else.

It’s sophomore year, I’m 15, and I definitely feel 18. My best friends, Victoria and Elle, are seniors so it’s difficult knowing that I’ll have to make other friends until I graduate. We promised each other that when I graduate we would all move into an apartment together in the city. We’ve already planned the parties we’re going to throw and the guys we will invite over. It’s lunch time and we all meet at our usual spot on the corner of the school. “Are William and the boys on their way?” Elle asks me. “Yeah Will just texted me saying they just left Chem” I respond. William is also a senior and we have been hooking up a few times at the park during lunch time. Occasionally, he and his friends will bring liquor and/or weed. Sometimes we don’t make it back to class. School would really be perfect if it weren’t for my brother being a senior here too. As William and the boys approach us, we all exchange hugs and proceed with our usual walk to the park. Our group draws attention in school and I can’t say that I mind it. With barely a minute into our walk, I can hear the lighters clicking from the boys and a gush of marijuana scent slapping me in the face simultaneously with the wind. “No liquor?” I ask out loud and they giggle. As Will gets closer to pass me his joint, I can’t help but admire how handsome he is and how much I want to do it with him. It makes me wish I saved my first time for him.

After our makeout session at the park is over, we all realize we’re already 15 minutes late for our next class. Being late draws even more attention. Victoria hands out breath mints and sprays the group down with one of her Bath and Body Works spray. “Chill, Vic! I’m not tryna to smell like a girl.” Will’s friend yells to Victoria. We walk back to school as if we weren’t late at all. Being intoxicated lessens the gravity of any situation. Will tugs my arm and whispers in my ear, “Wanna come over after school? My parents get home later tonight.” and my heart immediately starts pounding. I already know what will be going on at his house. I’ve been waiting so patiently for him to preposition me in this way. I do feed off the attention I get in school but Will’s attention is like a drug. I crave and want it constantly. “Sure. Let's have some fun later” I attempt to say as flirtatiously as possible. Will and I walked into fifth period together almost half an hour late. The entire class pauses and I can feel every pair of eyes piercing at me. “Where have you kids been?” Mr. Latterman asks us. “Getting food” I say without hesitation. Lying is one of my specialties, especially growing up with a Christian mother. We walk to the corner of the classroom to take some empty seats and I can feel Stacy Cullivan’s eyes glued to Will. I’m already not fond of her because of her history with him. They went to the formal last year and there were all types of rumors about them hooking up. I notice Will is staring back at her so I glare at him in hopes that he notices my awareness of their exchange. I can’t help myself from seeing Stacy as a threat and it’s almost like she knows it. I wonder why she has to entice him as soon as she sees we’re together. If only she knew I’m the one that gets to go home with him later.

Will’s bed isn’t as comfortable as mine but laying here makes me never want to leave. We’re shots into his cheap vodka and I’m starving. “Are you hungry? I can put a frozen pizza in the oven” he finally asks me as he rests his phone on the bed. “I’m starving” I reply honestly. Will leaves me alone in his bedroom. I don’t like being alone in people’s rooms because I get too nosey. I already know Will’s iphone pin from sneakily glancing at his phone several times before. Before I even think about it, I’m already in his messages and there is too much to go through. I’m almost embarrassed at how popular he is compared to me. But then I see Stacy’s name and I really can’t help myself. The first thing I notice are the heart eyes that he last sent her. There are also photos far more promiscuous than I have ever taken. This feels worse than the time Timmy Holland broke up with me freshman year because some sophomore asked him to the formal. I wipe the tears from my face and head to the kitchen, where Will is attempting to cut a pizza with a butter knife. “So do you like Stacy?” I ask him impatiently. He stops his awful attempt but doesn’t look at me. He takes a long pause then replies “No, but she’s a hottie though.”. I contemplate if I want to slap him or seek validation. “But you told me you thought I was a hottie” I say in a lower voice than before. “Yeah, you are but that doesn’t mean I like you.” he says nonchalantly. I hold back my emotions because I really thought this would be the time Will and I do it.

“Do you wanna keep drinking more?” I ask him.

“Hell yeah, let me just use the bathroom first but you can pour the drinks for us” he says.

I remember that I have those sedatives from my moms job in my bag. Elle and I had split a dose a few weeks ago when we ran out of marijuana and I still have some in my bag. Without thinking too much about it, I quickly take out the pill to crush it with my hands and pour it in his drink. I mix it and begin to drink mine to look natural. Will comes out the bathroom, grabs the drink immediately, and gulps it down.

“Can we watch a movie?” I ask him and tap the couch so he can sit down.

He starts to dose off a few minutes into the movie and I knew it was time to make my move.

I can’t say that what just happened was as magical as I’d hoped for. The only shocking part is that it lasted longer than I thought. I couldn’t find a condom anywhere in his house, not even in his parent’s bedroom. So I had to do it the old-fashioned way. My mind immediately begins to think of the time and how I’ll have to leave before his parents get home. Why do parents have to exist? Is what I constantly ask myself. I gather my belongings and leave him sleeping on the couch.

I knew something was wrong when I didn’t get my period but it was hard to accept. Elle and Vic are the only people I spoke to about what happened with Will and I yet almost the whole school knows now. I told Vic last night about my missed period and she managed to sneak a pregnancy test for me from her older sister. The three of us meet at the girl’s bathroom during lunch time so I can take the test then. It was awkwardly silent as the three of us waited on the results of this stick. When it came back positive, Elle immediately told me that there’s a clinic downtown in the city that can help me “take care of it”. Thankfully, Elle is one of the few people to understand how much I don’t want my mother finding out about this. I continue to look back at the test hoping the results will change. Most of the school doesn’t believe I raped Will but the rumors of what happened aren’t even true. Some people are saying I tied him up when that wasn’t even the case.

A few days later and I woke up with the most awful morning sickness. It was more difficult to hide than the usual lies I tell my mother yet I managed to leave the house without suspicion. Vic’s mother usually picks me up since I’m on their way and, surprisingly, the nausea was able to remain calm throughout the entire ride. As soon as I walk in first period U.S History, I begin to vomit in front of the entire class and get sent to the nurse’s office. The nurse starts to ask me if I ate something bad for dinner last night or if I have a headache. I can’t help my emotions and if I have to tell an adult about what’s going on with me then it might as well be the nurse. People say nurses are trustworthy. So I tell her the whole story, maybe a little too much of it. After a while of listening and comforting me, the nurse says, “I have to call your mother now”. I plead and beg for her not to make that call but she tells me that because I’m a minor that she must. I want to have control over the people that know and this nurse has stripped me of that.

The whole ride home is just my mother telling me how disappointed she is in me. “You want to make stupid, permanent choices and believe they can be solved with a trip to the clinic”. She threatens to send me back to my father’s house in Idaho but I really can’t live away from my friends and the city. “But I'm only 15, if I have a kid now I won't be able to have a life” I complain to her. But she continues scolding, “Now you have to suffer the consequences of the decisions you made. You don’t get to murder a baby just because you want to have a life”. I don’t understand how it can be murder if it’s saving my life. How can I be responsible for someone else when I’m not even responsible for myself? But the way my mother says her words instills so much fear upon me that I know now that this abortion is not going to happen. As we’re approaching our house we see two police cars outside of them house. My mother quickly hops out the car and says,

“May I help you, officers?” she asks them as politely as possible.

They ignore her and approach me,

“Are you Darlene Conway?” they ask me.

I freeze as I begin to put together what is happening.

“Yes, whats going on?” my mother asks them.

The officers take out their handcuffs and arrest me while reading me my miranda warning. They tell us I’m being charged with sexual assault and attempt to administer deadly substances.

Back to today and my release date is here. As they open the main doors to the prison to let me out, the air already feels different. I see my mom parked with Eva in the car. They get out the car to be ready to receive my hugs and I smell cigarette smoke coming from one of the officers. I I walk over to him and ask him for a cigarette. Prison got me into this habit, it was either that or laced crack and I think I chose the lesser of the two evils. Elle and Vic don’t speak to me anymore and the child support money I will receive from Will is barely enough to get by. I don’t know who to blame more, my mother for leaving her sedatives so easily reachable or Will for being such a jerk. My mom and Eva approach me since I have not moved towards the car.

“Is everything okay? When did you start smoking?” she shockingly asks me.

Eva shakes my hand to gain her attention as we stand outside the prison. ‘What, Eva?” I say to her, “Mommy where we going?” she proceeds to ask me. “I don’t know honey, but mommy needs to finish her cigarette right now”, I respond.