Steel Steps

Why are you here? What do you even want?

I’m here to tell you that… I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I messed up. I know I did.

Really? Do you know? If you really knew, you wouldn’t show your face to me. Do you have any idea? Any idea at all how much I’ve learned to hate you?

I know.

I loved you. I really, really loved you.

…

Then why? Why are you here? Why can’t you just go in peace and leave me alone? Why? Why? I don’t want you here.

I had to do the right thing.

Why are you still standing here?

Cause you’re crying, and I’m the problem. I’m gonna see this through until the end. Until you say everything you need to say. You deserve that much.

Don’t. Don’t! Don’t start acting as if you care now! Huh? Where were you when I was calling your name? Banging on the walls, crying, waiting for you to come back. Where were you? Huh? And now that I finally have some semblance of peace in my life, you show up. Now, of all the times to show up, you choose now. Nah. Nah. You don’t get to do that. I moved on. I finally moved on. You. You don’t Mhhmmmmmm. You don’t dare. Leave! Just leave and stay gone! Stay far away from me.

Don’t you dare try to hug me. Leave. Boy, you'd better leave. Don’t.

I’m a jerk. I lied. I cheated. I left. I did to you what I watched my father do to my mother. I’m not asking for you to let me back in. I’m not expecting you to love me. I’m here to make it right. If that means leaving after you say what you need to say. That's fine. But I’m not gonna look away from you while you're crying. I’m not gonna let you hug yourself like that. Knowing I’m the one who caused you to cry like that.

Don’t pretend like you still love me.

I always loved you. Even if I didn't do it right. Truth is, I don’t know how to love. I should have gotten help before I got with you. That's on me, though. You didn’t do anything wrong.

No. I did. I let you in when I knew it would be like this. I saw it. I thought I could fix you. I hate you. I hate you. I… I hate that I chose you, knowing you couldn’t give me what I needed. I told myself you would anyway. I hate you. I really hate you. I hate more that I didn’t listen to myself and let this happen. So many times I could have walked away. I stayed anyway. Thinking you’d change. I’d stay anyway. I stayed. When everybody else left you, I stayed. Why me? Why’d you hurt me when I was the only one who had your back?

I was afraid you’d see me for who I really am. A scared little boy who watches everyone leave. It was easier to make you leave than to have you stay. Cause I didn’t believe I could change. I know you loved me. I just didn’t believe you did. Maybe I didn’t want to believe you did. Cause that would mean my parents were wrong about me, and I didn’t know how to accept that.

You’re messed up. You’re so messed up. Really, is that why you were with her? You were in her bed. She sent me screenshots, Frank. Do you know what it felt like to see that? And now you’re here at my door to say I’m sorry. Are you for real?

Cause if I told you to leave, you would have stayed anyway. It was easier to hurt you. Make you hate me. Cause I was afraid that I might be someone to you. And Dammit. I’m trying to make this right. I won’t waste your time learning how to love you right. You deserve someone who already can. But I had to come back, I’m sorry. She was easy, and she meant nothing. I just needed to give you proof that I wasn’t worth a damn, so you wouldn’t chase me down after I left.

Ahhh. Is that why you left me here? Damn right I didn’t chase you, I was waiting for you to come home. I thought we’d make up. You’d apologize, try harder, prove to me you could do good. Instead, I cried my eyes out in my room, and now, when I don’t even have the energy to cry anymore, you show up here with " I'm sorry. “

I. damn. I know. I deserve it. Try not to hate me too long, though. IF you do, you won’t get the love you deserve.

What do you know? You were the one who left. So, how do you know that?

Cause I spent way too much time hating my father. And that's why we’re here. Don’t be like me. You’re a good person. Be better than me.

I hate you, Frank. Even more, I hate that I still feel this way about you.

For this moment at least. I got you. Tell me how much you hate as long as you need to. I’m not going anywhere. Yet.

I hate you.

Yeah. Let out just like that.

I hate us.

It's okay. I did too.

Really. Jerk. hah.

More like I was afraid of us. Even if it's just for a moment. I’m glad I get to hold you like this.

Don’t. Please don’t. No promises, no saying you changed, and that it will be different this time. Don’t lie to me.

Okay. No lies. I want you to be safe. I’m not safe for you. I love you in my own twisted little way. I need help, and I’m getting it. And you should get help too. Cause what I did hurt and you deserve someone who can lead you out of the hole I left you in.

So it’s not gonna be you?

Do you want to risk your heart again for me? When I’m still learning what love even is.

If you’re really getting help. If you are really changing, then yeah. I want to be there. But if you leave me again, I will kill you. I’m gonna make sure no other woman can have you. Cause you won’t break me again just to lie with some other girl cause you’re afraid of real love.

You know, I half expected to get stabbed or maybe a punch to the face. But…

I’m tired. My bones hurt. I want to go to sleep. Just come in. You’re already here.

...

I hate us.

I do to.

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