Staying Still

“Did you bring it?”

“I always bring it.”

“You said that last time.”

“And I wasn’t lying.”

“You were incomplete.”

“I was enough to get through.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

“You still opened the door.”

“You didn’t give me time to change my mind.”

“You never do.”

“You always come late.”

“You always answer.”

“Don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t make it sound inevitable.”

“It is for you.”

“You don’t get to decide that.”

“You let me decide it every time.”

“You look thin.”

“You look nervous.”

“I am nervous.”

“Then why am I here?”

“Because you said you were clean.”

“I said I was careful.”

“That’s not the same.”

“It is at three in the morning.”

“Put that down.”

“I haven’t done anything yet.”

“Still.”

“You’re shaking.”

“It’s cold.”

“It’s not.”

“I didn’t sleep.”

“You never do before this.”

“Sit.”

“Don’t tell me what to do.”

“You’re already sitting.”

“Don’t rush.”

“I’m not rushing.”

“You always rush.”

“Because you stare.”

“Because you don’t look at me.”

“I’m looking now.”

“Not like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like you’re counting.”

“I am counting.”

“Of what?”

“Of how many times you’ve said you’d stop.”

“That’s unfair.”

“So is knocking on my door.”

“You could’ve ignored it.”

“You say my name differently when you’re like this.”

“How?”

“Like it’s fragile.”

“Maybe it is.”

“Wash your hands.”

“Again?”

“Yes.”

“You didn’t last time.”

“I noticed.”

“You always notice.”

“That’s the problem.”

“Do you trust me?”

“Not with this.”

“Then why are you here?”

“Because I trust myself less.”

“Give me a second.”

“You’ve had seconds.”

“Don’t start.”

“You started when you tied that.”

“It helps.”

“It hurts you.”

“So do you.”

“Not like that.”

“Look at me.”

“Don’t make me.”

“I need to see your face.”

“Why?”

“So I know you’re still here.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“You always say that.”

“And I always come back.”

“That’s not the same.”

“Nothing is the same anymore.”

“Your hands are steady.”

“They weren’t earlier.”

“Neither were yours.”

“Breathe.”

“I am.”

“No, slower.”

“You sound like him.”

“Don’t.”

“He used to say it like that.”

“I’m not him.”

“You are when you do this.”

“That’s not fair.”

“Neither is watching you disappear in inches.”

“I’m right here.”

“For now.”

“For now is when it matters.”

“Is it clean?”

“As clean as it gets.”

“That doesn’t mean anything.”

“It means I tried.”

“You always try at the wrong moment.”

“There’s never a right one.”

“There used to be.”

“Before?”

“Before you learned how to do this alone.”

“I don’t do it alone.”

“You do.”

“You’re here.”

“I’m not part of it.”

“You’re part of everything.”

“Don’t say that.”

“Why not?”

“Because then I’ll believe it.”

“Stay still.”

“I am still.”

“No, inside.”

“I can’t.”

“Just for a second.”

“This is the second.”

“Do you feel that?”

“Don’t ask me that.”

“You’re already gone.”

“I’m concentrating.”

“On what?”

“On not messing up.”

“You always say that.”

“And you always flinch.”

“Because I know what comes next.”

“So do I.”

“That’s why I’m careful.”

“You say that like it’s a virtue.”

“It’s survival.”

“At what cost?”

“Don’t moralize.”

“I’m not.”

“You are.”

“I’m scared.”

“Of me?”

“Of losing you again.”

“You lose me every time.”

“And you still let me in.”

“Because sometimes you stay.”

“For how long?”

“Long enough.”

“That’s not enough.”

“It’s what I have.”

“Look at me.”

“I can’t right now.”

“Please.”

“Don’t say please.”

“Why?”

“Because I won’t stop.”

“That’s the point.”

“No, it isn’t.”

“Tell me you’re okay.”

“I’m here.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

“It’s the only answer I trust.”

“Say you’ll stay.”

“I can’t promise.”

“Then don’t ask me to watch.”

“I didn’t ask.”

“You always do.”

“Quiet.”

“I hate when you go quiet.”

“I’m still listening.”

“To what?”

“To your breathing.”

“Does it sound wrong?”

“It sounds like you’re waiting.”

“For what?”

“For it to be over.”

“It’s never over.”

“You said you were done.”

“I said I was trying.”

“You’re always trying right here.”

“And failing everywhere else.”

“That’s not true.”

“Then prove it.”

“How?”

“By staying.”

“For how long?”

“Until you feel real again.”

“And then?”

“And then you can decide.”

“You won’t stop me.”

“I never do.”

“You could.”

“How?”

“By asking me to.”

“…Stay.”

“Say it again.”

“Stay.”

“…Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Just until the shaking passes.”

“And after?”

“And after we don’t talk about tomorrow.”

“I hate that.”

“I know.”

“But you’re still here.”

“So are you.”

“Don’t disappear on me.”

“I’m talking, aren’t I?”

“Then keep talking.”

“About what?”

“About anything that isn’t this.”

“…Do you remember the first time?”

“Yes.”

“You said it felt like falling.”

“You said it felt like flying.”

“Both were lies.”

“And both were true.”

“Stay with me.”

“I am.”

“No—stay.”

“I’m here.”

“For now.”

“For now is everything.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”