State of the Union

Good evening, America. 12 months ago, you the American people elected me to be your President. It is an honour to serve you, the great people of this great nation.

My party as you know is an independent party which serves the interests of the average everyday American and not the corporate sponsors of the Democrats and Republicans. You elected me because you believed I could make a difference; and I have worked tirelessly for a year to live up to the many promises I made during my presidential campaign. I stand here today the first president to not only keep his campaign promises, but the first to do so in the first year of term.

I promised tax reforms and I delivered. Not only did I introduce a fair income tax system that ensures the wealthy pay more; but thanks to my roll out of a nationwide VAT system, the price you see on the label is the price you pay at the check-out. I also enacted the Patriotic American Act; making tax evasion, avoidance, and any other means of not paying your fair share of taxes an unpatriotic crime. A crime that comes with a fine of $500K and five years in prison.

On the subject of crime; I have out of my own pocket, not only increased the pension funds for all emergency services. I have also donated money to enable all metropolitan police services to begin a campaign of recruitment. I have weeded out all unnecessary forms of bureaucracy from all public services and branches of government. I have reformed the prison system. Prisons are no longer safe havens for criminals; every prison can be considered a living hell-hole, the only way out is by reformation, death, or by joining the Inter Prison Death Ball league. Many of you objected to this league; but it has made the prison system a profitable enterprise. For those not willing to do play Death Ball, they can serve their country and live out their sentence in the Penal Regiments.

I have at great expense; nationalised all utilities and hospitals across this great country. All hospitals are now part of the newly reformed Department for Health and Medicine. All utilities are now under the auspices of the Department of Energy and Environment. By introducing a new council tax system, which is based on property sizes, all utilities such as water, gas, electricity are incorporated into one manageable payment. As for hospital fees; all patients will only be required to pay twenty percent of the bill, you shouldn’t need to remortgage your house to pay off a broken leg.

This leads me on to my next subject. I have erased institutionalised racism in all public services. Now people of colour can walk the streets without threat of being marginalised. The other side of this; I have once again at great expense, quashed all organised crime, gangs, and cartels across the country. By bringing public education standards to the same level as private schools I have given marginalised groups access to better education with the aims of giving everyone the chances to improve their lives. By making public schools better equipped, I have removed the need for private schools.

Colleges and universities will now be free to anyone pursuing a career in my new STEEM programme. All students who enrol on a Science, Technology, Engineering, Education, or Medicine higher education course will not have to pay for fees, food, lodgings, or stationary and books. The government will no longer be paying off unpaid student debts. The debt will follow students post college and will be passed on to their families should that student pass away. The student will have twelve months from graduation to find a job before they begin repaying their loans.

On the topic of employment; I have enforced a national living wage across the nation, and have put laws in place to prevent companies from underpaying staff. No company may hire anyone for less than twenty hours per week and for single parents with preschool age children, all childcare is now part of the Department for Education and offer free childcare of the highest standards. All childcare workers will be strictly vetted before employment is offered.

I have increased military spending; our military will once again be the standard for all militaries worldwide, with access to better equipment, better training, and better pay. In order to pay of all these improvements; I have cut the salaries for a senators, governors, and the presidential cabinet. Also, I have cut the salaries of the supreme court. To ensure that we the government are truly for the people, we will all be working for minimum wage.

Lastly; I want to reaffirm my promise to make the United States of America the greatest country on the face of the Earth. Under my leadership we will usher in a new era for America, we’ll get back to the Moon, and we will expand into the rest of the solar system. And we will finally breach the doors of Castle Grayskull and take the power within. Yes, America, you the people have elected me, Skeletor, Master of Snake Mountain as your President. Together will rid the world of that accursed He-Man and his Masters of the Universe then we will conquer the world!