Stargazing

It is the second night I spend in the wilderness; laying on my back, stars especially bright in the jet black night sky. At such a high elevation in the mountains, there were no trees to block my view of constellations and the occasional comet. The remoteness promised no other hikers to ruin my serenity. My sister had planned a birthday trip to the Rockies in which we were going to hike the sky pond trail and continue on to Lake Haiyaha and the Emerald Lake loop; usually a day trip, we decided to pack a tent to watch the sunrise over Haiyaha. She was gone now though, so I lay staring at the stars alone, with a dry throat, cracked lips, and numb limbs. She felt no pain, but I wasn’t granted the same gift. My breath is short, as if my lungs were compressed, like a balloon that refuses to fill with air. My stomach, an endless chasm, a black hole gnawing at my insides. My head an ice pick, sending pain radiating throughout my skull and blurring my vision. I plead bleakly with the universe to let me join my sister, but to no avail.

Then I close my eyes and I am in his arms, rocking side to side while love ballads are accompanied by the crackle of a fire in the hearth. My head rests on his chest and I drink in his scent; a smoky musk, impossible to describe because it’s only for me. He holds me tightly and I know I am safe, and I am loved. I want to stay there forever, but the embrace is fading. The warmth of the fire is gone and so too is the music. A stabbing in my head jolts me from my fantasy, and again I am enveloped by the endless, diamond littered darkness above. Still, I hear his breath, a whisper against my ear telling me softly that I can let go, and live in all of our memories forever. I’m overcome by a quiet stillness, and try to find peace. A hot tear runs down my face as I close my eyes and bathe in a comforting calm, but no matter how desperately my soul tries to wrench free from my body, it is snapped back like a rubber band. Another tear falls, for the hopelessness plaguing my soul.

I close my eyes again, fighting for that stillness. I want to go back to him, but he’s not there. I am reading, sitting on a beach towel under the shade of the umbrella. I inhale the ocean breeze and hear the seagulls cry. This isn’t a memory, but my heart is even fuller than when I danced with my love. I’ve never been to the beach but somehow I feel at home. I hear my name called and look up to see two little girls, squealing and fighting for a turn on daddy’s shoulders. This is home. All three call me over, splashing in the ebb and flow of breaking waves, laughing and waving their arms. I try to go to them but the sand is hot coal under my feet and I know I won’t make it to the water without scorching my soles. I look around for any kind of footwear, but when I look back up they are far away. I can’t see their faces and the beach begins to dissipate. Panic rushes through my body as I try to reach for the home we created, but it dissolves all the same.

I’m looking at the stars again, but anguish overwhelms my heart, hurting more than anything. I want to listen to him, I want to let go and find peace, but the two nameless girls chain my soul to its shell. I argue with myself, reminding myself that the beach is only an imagined future that may never come to pass, while my agony and suffering was happening now. Still, I couldn’t shake the seed of hope that the vision had planted in my heart. Letting go was no longer an option, as I fought for a scene formed in delusion. Everything hurt, but someone would come. People knew where we were and there had to be search parties canvassing the area by now. I wanted to reach out and hold my sister’s hand. To tell her one last time how much I love her, and mourn the nieces she would never meet; but I couldn’t move my body, and all the strength and will power in the world couldn’t turn my head.

I watch my second sunrise and feel a wave of dizziness wash over me. I realize how tired I am, and as sleep slowly takes over, my pain seems to lessen. I close my eyes with a soft smile on my lips and dream of my sister.