Standing On Top Of The Hill

I hated thinking about my past life. I'd only ever known hate, heartbreak, and trauma. Trauma pushed its ugly head into my life for years before I woke up and saw the light. I thought nobody wanted me, everybody hated me, and my life was ugly.

It wasn't now. It was happy.

I'd worked hard through those long years which made my life feel like it was forever winter when the rain, wind, snow, and dark nights felt like they were going to stay forever. I had studied different subjects, taken up life coaching, and learned to write.

It was hard work, but it paid off.

I didn't like my life coach. She was bossy.

"You have to believe in yourself, Rachel!" was a statement she made so much that it constantly echoed through my brain like a nightmare in the daytime and at night.

"You must do the thing that you have always wanted to do," was another one.

"Yeah, sure," was my only reply.

That was my reply to most things back then.

I would spend all my days drowning in a bottle, and I'd blame my ex-boyfriend for that.

After all, he was the one who walked out. He was the one who left me alone. Blah! blah! blah!

One day I sat at home writing an article about broken hearts for a magazine called 'Love is Life." My story was about 'How to Love Your Life as a Single Woman.'

"How the fuck did I write that when I couldn't even love my own life?" I asked myself.

Personally, I thought the article was cheesy.

"We spend our time being gloomy and depressed as single women. Relationships suck! They drain the life out of you. However partners come and go, but we still have to live. So here is an article about How To Love Your Life as a Single Woman."

Love comes from within..."

I thought it was bullshit until the editor called and told me she was going to publish it.

I asked the editor how much she would pay me.

"$10,000," she told me.

Shit! I couldn't refuse that offer.

"Would you like to work for us?" she asked next.

I wasn't expecting that!

I took the offer, because getting work in writing was a hard thing to come by, and I had waited for it all my life.

"You worthless, lazy prick! Why don't you get a real job?" My ex had thrown at me before he walked out.

My ex hated my passion for building a career in writing. He worked in a garage, fixing cars, and he got paid a wage every week.

That was not a good reason to pull me down. My choices regarding work were mine to make, not his!

My life coach told me that I should stop listening to the voices in my head. Those voices had come from many people in my life who knew that I wanted to be a writer; friends, family, neighbors, my ex, and my ex's family.

I had so many put-downs to deal with, that I let it put me off doing that one thing I loved for years.

After I accepted the job, I chose to walk alone. I realized that my life coach was right, I had to do that thing that I always wanted to do.

I worked hard every night, sometimes writing over 20 articles in one go, and I had many late nights where I didn't sleep in case I missed the deadline.

Many people from my past don't talk to me now, and my ex has moved on to bully another woman. I do not resent her, but

I hope that she sees through him, and doesn't let him dictate her life in the way I let him dictate mine.

I sat pondering over my past tonight, thinking that I had been selfish for letting those people go, but I know deep down that they would have held me back from my achievements.

Then the call came.

"$20,000 will be paid into your account tonight. This is for your star article ' How To Love Your Life as a Single Woman."

I went very quiet. My mouth was wide open, and no words came out.

"Erm...thanks Avery," was all I could manage before slamming the phone down.

I downed the half-bottle of red wine that was sitting on the table in front of me and danced around the room.

I called my ex to tell him how fucking stupid he was, and I told him about my success. He slammed the phone down on me.

Good riddance.

I went to bed late in the evening. When I woke up in the morning, I was still dreary-eyed, so I went for a walk to Success Hill. I stood at the top of that massive hill and I shouted,

"Yeah! I did it,"

All the birds around me sang in chorus in reply.

I realized that love had awoken from within.

I didn't need anybody; the only person I needed was me.