Shining Light

Eleanor was far from godly. For one, she liked to eavesdrop; she liked to eavesdrop a lot. Her desire to be a fly on the wall probably stemmed from lack of trust, especially lack of trust in men. She always felt men’s characters were better assessed when they knew she wasn’t looking. Or, in many cases, hearing.

Maybe at one point in her life she could have been considered godly. Despite her mother’s ever increasing paranoia and distrust of all mankind, Eleanor was a trusting Christian child. From an early age her emotions and behavior were deeply rooted in her belief in Jesus. Upon entering her teenage years, many of her classmates described her as “mysteriously innocent.” On several occasions people commented on how gentle, compassionate, and understanding she was. Eventually, she started to take pride in these characteristics and even considered a career in which she would be the modern day Mother Teresa; helping everyone she knew.

That girl seemed like a different person now. Eleanor still had some of the qualities that originally defined her, but her ideals had shifted slightly; hardened a little bit. Eavesdropping on private conversations wasn’t her biggest offense. A couple years ago, she had gotten a tattoo, an act of defiance that surely would have sent her mother to her grave. After sweating over the Christian guilt, she decided to get three stars on her foot; one star for each member of her small family. Furthermore, she was not as kind and gentle as she used to be. She could quickly pick out the abusers, the addicts, the emotional vampires with a quick glance around the room. Gone were the days when she’d befriend them, trust them, even try to help them or “save their soul” as it were. These people were now met with curt nods, sarcastic remarks or in extreme cases, silence. Some might even call her rude.

Really it was a miracle that Jeremy was able to see through the hard shell she had grown over her crusty personality. That was why she liked Jeremy so much. He could see through the muck and the hurt and find who she used to be, maybe even who she still could be. He believed she was inherently good. He believed she could “save his soul.”

Heaven knows Jeremy wasn’t always easy to be with. Sure it was easy and fun at first. But then the demons started to creep in, as they always did with men. Why Eleanor didn’t kick him to the curb like the others, she would never know. Maybe it was because he could see through her. To make matters worse, she was roommates with his high school best friend, Laura. That’s how she and Jeremy met. Laura had been trying to tear them apart ever since.

Whatever the reason that kept them together, it always made her uneasy when Eleanor heard Jeremy talk about her, especially right now.

She slowly edged her head around the door frame of her living room to look in the kitchen where Jeremy and Laura were making dinner. They didn’t know she was home yet and she would have gladly announced her entrance with loud words of exasperation and weariness left over from the office drama and politics. However, something had tipped her off about their conversation right before she joined them in the kitchen.

“Oh, Jeremy, are you still wearing that rubber band that Eleanor gave you?”

Eleanor inched over to the kitchen door and pressed her back against the wall. It was moments like these that reminded her never to fully trust her backstabbing, pseudo friend of a roommate.

“Yeah. Why?” Jeremy replied.

“It’s just that I have a friend who thinks you’re really cute, but she noticed that you were wearing that rubber band on your finger. She’s been asking about it. I bet if you took it off, you’d get some pretty hot girls chasing after you,” Laura prattled on happily. Bitch.

“Please, not this again, Laura,” came Jeremy’s weary reply.

“It’s just that, I keep holding out hope that you will get wise and dump her pathetic ass. It’s not like she’s doing you any favors.”

Although hardened, and, at times wavering in her Christian beliefs, she still held tightly to some of the virtues taught to her when she was younger. Abstaining from sex was one of them. At first it attracted boys to her. They took pleasure in the thought of corrupting her or being her “first.” Initially, the attempts on her virginity rattled her until she got used to the idea that men were pigs. In the end, this was the motivation to “not give it away.” Why give oneself to someone so selfish?

Yet another reason to love Jeremy; he never pushed, never suggested, never even hinted that he wanted her to break her ideals for him. At first she thought he was gay. Then she thought he wasn’t attracted to her. It wasn’t until she sat him down to talk about this concern that her mind was put at ease.

“Eleanor, I’m incredibly attracted to you. I think about us having sex every day. But I love you too much to make you do anything you’re not comfortable with. I’m only trying to show you the respect and love that you deserve. Why would I want to be like those other guys who didn’t really love you?” And she had bought it. Some days she thought she still believed him, or, at least she believed him on the days she didn’t find naked women on his computer.

“She doesn’t have to. You know as well as anyone that I’m trying to become a better man for her. This ring symbolizes that,” Jeremy continued, bringing Eleanor back to the present moment.

“Earth to Jeremy! It’s not a ring! It’s a rubber band around a very special and important finger! A finger that every single girl looks at to see if you’re taken or not. And when they see that rubber band, they run. I’m telling you, you’re missing out on some great dating opportunities because of that stupid rubber band. Do you even know what kind of fungus could be growing underneath that thing?” Laura retorted in disgust. Eleanor had noticed that the ring had turned a nasty shade of yellow-brown over the years. Maybe it was time to get him a new, clear rubber band.

“There’s more to it, Laura,” came Jeremy’s quiet reply.

And there was. Back in Eleanor’s strong Christian days, her best friend had given her that exact rubber band and told her that it was a promise ring to the Lord. He made her promise that she’d wear it and be reminded to be her best self no matter what. She admitted it was a cliché idea, but she wore it unwaveringly until the day Jeremy told her about his addiction. That very day, she had taken off the rubber band and put it on his finger, making him promise the same thing that her friend made her promise; that he’d try his best to overcome his addiction and be the man that she knew him to be. So far, it only worked some of the time.

Jeremy told everyone that the rubber band was a promise to her no matter how many times she reminded him that it wasn’t a promise to her, it was a promise to God.

“It’s the same thing, Eleanor! My devotion to you is synonymous with my devotion to God,” was always Jeremy’s reply.

Which was absurd because Eleanor was far from godly.

After a moment’s pause, she took a deep breath and decided that it was time to announce her presence.