Scott CEO Psycho

By now, many have heard the recent news of Scott Paper Towel CEO Jasmine Scott, formerly Jasmine Dretzel, and her psychotic break which resulted in the Dyson-Scott merger that occurred earlier this week. The following leaked emails are from the week before she attempted to burn down her factory with a single match.

From: [email protected]

Subject: EMERGENCY

To all members of the Scott Paper Towel Family,

I know that some of you must be excited and nervous to receive an email from your almighty CEO. You should be. Unfortunately, you gain this privilege because we have reached a crisis. But there’s good news too! To whoever can propose a reasonable solution to this disastrous issue we have encountered, the CFO, President of Marketing, and Production President positions are up for grabs. That’s right Mike, Cindy, and Thomas: your jobs are on the line. This isn’t necessarily a memo that you’re fired; you just have to be the one to give me the best solution to this problem. If one of our interns or manufacturing employees beats you to it, maybe they’re more suited to the job. Get back to me ASAP.

Your CEO,

Jasmine Scott

Jasmine Scott

CEO, Scott Paper Towels

Harvard University

Email: Scroll up. Phone: Nice try.

From: [email protected]

Subject: Re:EMERGENCY

To my family at the Scott Paper Towel Company,

It has come to my attention that most of you are unaware of what disaster I’m referring to. Wrong answer. That’s strike one already for not knowing about this disaster. As you SHOULD already know, our biggest profits come from businesses that buy our corporate paper towels in bulk for their public restrooms. After all, every bathroom needs paper towels, right? WRONG AGAIN! Times are changing, and already THREE of our biggest customers have stopped doing business with us. Where are they going for hand drying now, you ask, another paper towel company perhaps? That’s three strikes YOU’RE OUT! But uh oh! The catcher dropped third strike! Can you get to first base before the ball? And for those of you too dumb to understand the metaphor, first base is a solution and the ball is you being FIRED!!! I did not graduate HARVARD to explain basic metaphors to IMBECILES!

Now we know that it’s not other paper towels putting us out of business, so, hopefully, at least some of you are intelligent enough to realize this leaves hand dryers. But since paper towels, dry hands aren’t they hand dryers? Hehehe SHUT UP THOMAS! I can hear your stupid little laugh from here and we’re all sick of that joke! Yeah, that’s right, I know that you said it. You’re that predictable. Maybe that’s why your job is on the line. You’d think you’d be a little more serious when at risk of being fired, but no. You’re still making stupid jokes. So stop. You’re wasting the whole company’s time by making me add this paragraph. They know I’m talking about the automatic ones that blow air. They’re called hand dryers. I shouldn’t have to clarify. Stop being a smartass. Give me answers.

Your CEO,

Jasmine Scott

Jasmine Scott

CEO, Scott Paper Towels

Harvard University

Email: Scroll up. Phone: Nice try.

From: [email protected]

Subject: RE:Re:EMERGENCY

To my honorary relatives of the Scott Paper Towel Family,

As many of you pointed out, hand dryers aren’t new. No shit. I didn’t think I’d have to give a history lesson about the progress of our biggest competitors to MY ENTIRE BUSINESS when you ALL work in PAPER TOWELS and should KNOW THIS. We all, even Thomas (though at this point who knows the reaches of your stupidity?), know of these inconvenient little contraptions people started using to save “the environment.” Newsflash, it’s a goner. Might as well just accept that now. Switching to hand dryers over paper towels isn’t going to clean the oceans or replace the ozone or un-pollute the air. Still, some people think that the environment can be saved.

In the past, these extremist tree huggers would use the weak World Dryer on the wall and then wipe their still-damp hands on their jeans on their way out. More reasonable people would still turn to paper towels for actual dry hands, knowing that their comfort wasn’t going to suddenly destroy the planet. Then, more people began to care about the planet. Still, bathrooms had weak dryers that wouldn’t dry hands and people would choose our paper towels anyway for convenience and effectiveness, choosing themselves over the environment, as consumers typically do.

Now Dyson has come out with these powerful hand dryers that actually dry your hands! Maybe you’ve come across them? The ones that your hands actually go inside of? And then you pull them out and they’re just magically as dry as if you’d stood glove-less in a midwestern winter? I know Katie has. That’s why she’s fired. By the way, Katie, please turn in your ID badge by the end of the day.

I’ll admit, I’ve tested them out, for market research (I washed my hands two more times and used our paper towels both times to ensure it evens out, unlike Katie), and they actually work! So now, we have a problem. Society is starting to care about the environment, and Dyson is starting to produce effective hand dryers. So how do we get people to continue using paper towels? How do we keep companies stocking their bathrooms with OUR paper towels? These are real questions and I want REAL ANSWERS. I did not legally change my last name to match a paper towel company just to be put out of business within my first 10 years. Can any of the thousands of people I pay with the profits we’re LOSING answer this SIMPLE question????

If you are still reading this memo after seeing the urgency of this issue AND the overview of the issue AND the question I need an answer to, then stop wasting time and GET TO THINKING! A huge promotion is on the line! Or, in Mike, Cindy, and Thomas’s cases, your JOB. Get to it.

Your CEO,

Miss Jasmine Scott

Jasmine Scott

CEO, Scott Paper Towels

Harvard University

Email: Scroll up. Phone: Nice try.

From: [email protected]

Subject: Appropriate Emergency Action

Dearest Scott Paper Towel Family,

As many of you may have already heard, Thomas was arrested for breaking into the Dyson CEO’s home and holding him hostage to get information or threaten him or get a job from him or something. I don’t know what he wanted. No one knows what goes through Thomas’s head. I’d assume it’s confusing, senseless, and annoying. Regardless of how idiotic Thomas is, my lawyers think it’s best that I clarify: I do NOT condone criminal acts against Dyson or their employees. I thought I was pretty clear that I just want ideas. Of course, Thomas had to take it too far so now I’m here clarifying.

I know that hearing about Thomas going away for years and possibly never being seen again may cause some strong emotions, so I would like to assure you that yes, this does mean his position is definitely open. I know this is an exciting time, but I would like to assure you that we are still a family, so play nicely. That said, every family has a Nick Jonas and a Frankie Jonas so if you want to be the Nick, think smart and think fast. I still have received no reasonable solution suggestions.

Cindy suggested we, too, start making hand dryers. Her position is also available. I specifically asked for ideas to make people use our paper towels. Paper towels are cheap to make. Paper towels are what we’re known for. Paper towels are what I ASKED FOR. On an unrelated note, we will be beginning the production of a new line of hand dryers. Engineers, please see me with blueprint suggestions. Marketing, get to work on the advertising. Cindy, do what I ask next time. Yes, I included her on this email just to add that. I fired her a week ago when she sent the idea. Mike, the only reason you still have a job is that I haven’t heard your idea yet. Two positions have opened up, so your position is safe as long as you’re one of the next three people to give me a usable, paper-towel-related solution.

Anyway, this email isn’t about who is and isn’t fired. I’m not going to waste any more of our time reiterating what I’ve already told you. It’s been a full week and not only do I have no solutions, but I now have only one of my top three positions filled. Thomas thinks he has it hard? At least in prison he doesn’t have to worry about running a company with NO HELP AT ALL. I mean seriously, how selfish? How stupid? Now I have to deal with the Dyson hand dryers AND this legal mess he’s made by blaming me for his actions. At least his prison sentence is because of something he did AND got caught doing. I’m being thrown under the bus for a simple work memo!

He also just made the Dyson problem worse by making them aware that we’re working on something to beat them, so now I have that to deal with too! Like honestly, you’d think our ex-Production President would be smart enough to at least do something less obvious and easily tied to him. Of course, he shouldn’t have committed a crime. I’m not asking anyone to commit any crimes in the name of our company. I should’ve fired Thomas for that stupid joke he probably made last week and avoided this whole mess. Lesson learned.

So, in conclusion, do not commit crimes in the name of the company, especially not as boldly and obviously as Thomas did. Do not blame any crimes you do commit on your own time and of your own volition on me. I don’t have time to deal with it. I have a business to run. Apparently, I have a business to run entirely by myself. Thanks a lot, Thomas.

Your CEO,

Miss Jasmine Scott

Jasmine Scott

CEO, Scott Paper Towels

Harvard University

Email: Scroll up. Phone: Nice try.