Sat on the Bed

As we sat on the bed, just sitting on the edge of the bed. There was nothing we could say, nothing I could say to lessen the blunt force trauma our lives had received. Love was still in the air, I knew that much but grief was taking up space in the atmosphere too. So, we just sat. I knew she would talk when she needed to and while I needed to talk too, now was not the time. Now was the time for silent reflect and memorialising to the life that was lost. Now was the time to sit in the grief and let it wash over us. There is no point trying to hold back the tears or the anger. We are not a dam that can hold back a surge from the river. We could try, but if we did, we would just build up the force and strength of the grief.

So, we just sat. I could feel that sense of emptiness in her, one that I knew too well myself.

As we sat there, I know she was thinking the same as me, the burden, the weight of responsibility, the pain that we were both carrying. The pain caused by our loss. But there was more. Within that pain and burden, was the fact that we would face renewed sense of guilt, responsibility and pain every face we saw following the tragedy. That is what it was - a tragedy, a living nightmare. The worst thing, at that moment in time, either of us could ever imagine happening to another couple.

We knew that so many people will say the same thing. When we eventually face them and start letting others into our lives, into our grief.

That it's not our fault. That it's something that happens, often with no rhyme or reason. Well-meaning people with well-meaning words.

We know that we have discussed this many times. We have cried so many times, shouting at the world, at the heavens in uncontrollable sadness and rage.

As well-meaning as those words people will undoubtedly share with us are, they are not really what we want or need.

In our collective silence as we sit, close enough to each other to be present for one another, but offering enough space for us to express ourselves as quietly or loudly as necessary, we both know what we hope and want to happen when we face people.

We want to remember her. Our little treasure.

Her life was taken so swiftly, without warning. But even in her unborn state, that heart beating on a monitor. Her's was a life full of potential. Full of her own potential loves, losses, successes and failures. That we would never experience. But she was still her. I know that we both never want to forget that. Remembering one of the best things that happened to us, despite the loss it brought us, is better than pretending it never happened. For three beautiful months, the world felt a whole lot more positive. That is worth celebrating.

As we sat on the bed, just sitting on the edge of the bed. There was nothing we could say. I was lost and empty. I knew he was hurting too, and he was trying to carry my pain and his and although he was a strong man, I could feel the brokenness. In the way he looked at me. No blame or shame, but just pain, unadulterated pain. I had to believe we would get past this and smile again. But right now, as we sat on the edge of the bed, just sitting, smiles seemed so far off. The last time we smiled, and belly laughed was when the test came back positive. That sheer, unadulterated joy that we both shared in that moment will always stay with me, stay with us. Truthfully, we had been strong and happy long before a little piss test told us our devoted duo was going to become a triumphant trio.

Change is never easy, and we both admitted that we were scared, even if only indirectly, excited, overjoyed, but scared shitless at this change, or that change that was never to be. We still trip up when speaking about her, in the present tense, rather than the past tense.

So, we just sat. My hand in his, his arm around mine. We would get through it, we would move forward. But not today. Today, we just sat. Sat together on the edge of the bed, in our grief. We didn't need to say what we both felt. We knew what we both felt. I... she would never forget her. Never forget our wonderful little miracle of life that was never to be.

As the tears flowed from our eyes, and our mouths curled into the faintest of smiles, every so often, just for a few moments, fleetingly, we just sat. Sat on the edge of the bed.

*

Thanks for reading!

Author's Notes: Another entry into the Unspoken Challenge, which you can read more about here:

I apologise for the sadness, but I felt it was a story worth telling when it came to me. I shed a few tears writing it.

I appreciate all interactions and feedback and support.

Here are a few other pieces:

You can also take a look at the rest of my work here.

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