Restart

My heart clenches, then drops to my knees as the view before me confirms the source of the noises I could hear from the time I entered the house. My husband, in our bed, with not one, but two other women. Never mind everything I’d sacrificed, all my dreams, my career, my family…to stay here with him because his family was here, though, and he couldn’t bear to be anywhere else without them.

I had been supposed to move across the country to be near my best friend, to launch my career in a city that actually had job openings. I’d lived with his parents for years while we saved up for a house…he’d sworn I was the only one, even when I told him I wouldn’t mind if we each had others…as long as we came first to each other, and we were honest with each other about it.

Even with permission, he still couldn’t even manage to be honest about it. The view blurred, and I forced myself to my feet. Walked back down the hall, out the door. Got back into my car. Wiped my eyes. I managed to drive to the nearest parking lot before pulling over to cry, big, heaving sobs that shook my body to pieces. Then I lay with my head against the steering wheel for I don’t know how long, entirely spent.

I picked up my phone as energy started to return to my limbs, decisions falling into place as if foregone conclusions. I ignored the missed messages and calls from him and placed two calls of my own. I checked his location on my phone–he’d gone to work a show tonight. Please let me know you’re safe. His last message read. He’d see that I’d seen it, but I didn’t care. I closed my phone and drove back to the house. Six of my local friends met me there, with three pickup trucks in tow. We stuffed my clothes into boxes and suitcases, boxed up the books I had left after he’d demanded I purge my collection, dropped my journals on top, carefully packaged my devices and my inheritance from my mother and grandmothers. Caught my cats, held them tight before carefully settling them in their carriers. Loaded it all up. Ray and Carla had two spare bedrooms and assured me I could have either for as long as I needed. Carla’s job had an opening that would be a better fit than my current one anyway, with the added benefit of him not knowing I was there.

Oh, the irony. He was the one that had wanted an older house with actual keyholes. Insisted on it. Now he would have to take care of it himself. Live with the fact that it had cost him everything he had going for him. I’d warned him, hadn’t I–time and time again–If I leave, I’m not even going to look back. No second chances. If you tell me you made a mistake, I might stay, but if I have to find out myself, I’m gone. You won’t even know it til it’s too late.

Now I wake up to tear-damp fur against my face every morning, but I’m not alone. I have two sleepy kitties who blink at me before snuggling closer. Carla checks in with me as we get ready for work each morning. I try not to let myself drown in the emptiness of it all–It gets better, I swear–I know. I’ve been through heartbreak before. Just one foot in front of the other. My book is nearly done and then–finally, hopefully–my dreams will start coming true.