Rebirth of Innocence

The death of a person’s innocence is slow. Those beautiful days of childhood memories slowly fade away and at the end of it all, you hardly recognize yourself. I miss being able to dream so big, feeling like I could achieve anything. But as you grow older, the pressure of responsibility and adulthood stalks you until you succumb to it.

Being raised in a single-parent household with little money would force anyone to grow up quickly. My mother worked countless hours, hoping I would one day be able to stand on my own two feet in this world. So, as I reach my senior year of college, I find myself at a crossroads.

Option number one is working as an accountant for a pretty reputable company. I already have the job lined up for me when I graduate and the pay is pretty decent, all things considered. Option number two is to follow my passion and publish my fantasy novel trilogy. I’ve always been an all-or-nothing type of person and I believe whichever option I choose, I must stick with it. Sacrifices are necessary in order to get what you want and I no longer have the leeway to not be successful. Option number one gives me the stability that I’ve prayed for, while option two would probably send my mother’s blood pressure up.

Here I am, just months away from graduation, and I’m stuck in my room, frozen with fear and uncertainty. I have to pay off my student loan debts; I have to think about moving out; it’s time to get my life in order. All of my friends have already surpassed me and if I don’t hurry, I’ll never catch up. I can’t let that happen. I just can’t!

“Jeez, would you shut up already? You’re giving me a headache!” A voice says from behind me.

As I turn around from my chair on my old desk, I find myself surprised as I see a younger version of myself sitting at the foot of my bed. Upon further inspection, he looks like the 14-year-old version of me sporting a ripped-sleeved tank top, a small golden chain, a pair of black jeans, and a pair of low-top vans. His frame is much smaller than my current 21-year-old body and his eyes are still full of so much life.

“What the? Did I drink too much last night?” I ask as he examines me.

“Who knows? I’m just here because I’m tired of hearing you complain. Seriously, I didn’t think I’d become this much of a whiner!” He says.

Hmm, I’ve gone through some weird stuff before but nothing like this! Scientifically there isn’t really an explanation for this, so what exactly is going on? Have I stressed myself out so much that I’ve manifested a younger version of myself?

“Hey, I can hear what you’re thinking, by the way! Could you kill it with all the rants?” He asks as he lets out an enormous sigh.

“Sorry about that. I’ve been having a really hard time lately.” I admit as I lower my head.

“Yeah, I could gather that much. You’ve kept me repressed for so long that I just let you do your own thing.” He explains as he stretches his arms out.

“This is quite a lot to take in…”

“Ugh, why don’t you stop over-analyzing everything and come skate with me?”

“But how? The closest skate park is an hour away and I’m positive people will have questions about me hanging out with a doppelganger of myself!”

“Just leave it all to me!” He says as he snaps his fingers.

Suddenly, the both of us are at my favorite skate park from my childhood and it’s completely empty.

“WHAT!” I yell as I look around the park.

“Whew, didn’t know if that would work but it did!” He says as skates around me in a circle.

“This doesn’t make any sense! There should be people here too! Do you care to explain any of this?” I ask as I feel myself getting anxious.

Am I losing it? Why is this happening to me? I just want to go back home! I have to make this decision! My future, my life, everything is on the line!

“Woah, you’re actually freaking out! Alright, why don’t we take a seat at that bench over there and talk for a bit? You need to cool down for a sec.” He suggests as he hops off of his board and pushes me towards the bench.

“Sure, why not?”

We both sit on an all too familiar bench as I try to calm myself down. We sit in silence for a long while, as it seems he’s giving me some time to gather myself. As I look at the beautiful sunset, a bunch of my fondest memories come rushing into my mind.

“Wow, this place really brings me back! I haven’t been here in years, but I remember a time when the boys and I would come here every single day after school. The ice cream man would always give us extra snacks whenever we learned a new trick, and Skylar was the best skater out of all of us!” I say as the wind whips through my dreadlocks.

“Haha yeah, and Brandon was always the one filming us and making montages for YouTube!” He says as lets out a liberating laugh.

“Oh yeah, what was the name of the channel he made again?”

“Struggle squad!” He says as he holds his index finger up.

“That’s right! We all even had plans to open up a skate shop one day together! Brandon would make the videos, Skylar would win the competitions to get our clout up, and I would deal with all the business-related stuff!” I say, as I can’t help but smile.

“We all had a plan, no doubt! Too bad everyone went in different directions…” He says, his voice full of disappointment.

“Man, it felt like we could conquer the world if we wanted to back then! I would do anything to go back to those days!”

“Yeah, but everyone has moved on, including you.” He says as a small tear slowly falls down his cheek.

As I take a long look at him, I can see the pain and anguish in his eyes. And as I look around me, seeing the most nostalgic place from my childhood, I can’t help but connect the dots.

“Wow, I think I get it now. You’re the child in me I left behind years ago…” I conclude.

“It hasn’t been easy being a part of you. Especially because you neglected me and left me to die!” He yells as he clenches his fist.

“I’m… I’m sorry.” I say as I gently pat his back.

“Don’t touch me! Don’t pretend you care now! All you’ve done for the last nine years is throw away your passions because of others’ expectations! You let the world bully you out of being your true self!” He shouts as he avoids eye contact with me.

“Shut up! What would you know? I’ve lost so much since I was 14! Dad died and there was nothing I could do about it! Mom got sick, and no one was there to help me! We got evicted, and I had no choice but to work towards my future! I had no choice but to grow up! It was the only option I had…” I lament.

For a long while, we sit in silence again. I reflect on everything he said and also what I said. Have I been just going through the motions for the last nine years? Have I been so laser-focused on being secure that I haven’t even given any thought to what I actually love to do?

“Listen, I’m sorry for yelling at you like that. I’ve been neglecting you for all of this time and never considered what you’ve had to deal with.” I say.

“It’s alright, I know you were just trying to protect us. I just wish our dreams didn’t have to be sacrificed…” He replies as he lifts his head up.

“Right… I just felt so guilty about everything that happened, that I forced myself to only think rationally rather than trusting my heart sometimes too.” I admit as I jam my hands into my pockets.

“So, what’s going on right now? If I’m here, that must really mean you need me for something, right?” He asks.

Well, he isn’t too far off. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this is happening right as I’m trying to figure out my future.

“I have a huge decision to make! I’ve been grinding my butt off in school and making the right connections, so I’d have a secure job for when I graduate. The problem is that I’ve also been working on my fantasy book series, which has been a huge passion project of mine. I know without a doubt that depending on the decision I make, I’ll have to make a sacrifice.” I explain as he lets out an enormous sigh.

“I see… Well, what is your gut telling you?” He asks.

“It’s telling me I should try to make my books as successful as possible! I genuinely believe that my stories are good enough for me to make a living and help mom!” I say as I clench my fists.

“Then you should follow that gut feeling! But keep in mind that going on this path means things will be a lot harder for you! You can’t forget that you’ve worked your butt off to make those connections and earn that job opportunity. Are you sure you’re ready to give all of that up?” He asks.

Damn, he’s actually making a good point. Regardless of whether I love my job, I worked countless hours full of blood, sweat, and tears to get this far. Maybe I’m not looking at the full picture?

“I really don’t know what to do… I’m stuck!” I answer as I slam my hands on my legs.

“Relax! I think you’re just looking at this situation the wrong way.” He says as he gently grabs my shoulder.

“How so?” I ask.

“Maybe you don’t have to sacrifice anything? You keep looking at the situation as only having two answers, but the problem is you’re forcing yourself into a corner.” He suggests.

As I process what he just said to me, everything instantly clicks.

“You’re… You’re right! I’ve been so obsessed with just sticking to one thing that I didn’t even think of the possibility of doing both! I can still keep my job while following my passion during my free time!”

“Exactly, and I want to help you every step of the way!” He says.

“Don’t worry, I know I need you now more than ever! Please have my back while I go through this transition!” I say as I extend my hand out.

“No problem, we’ll get through this together!” He replies as we shake each other’s hands.

Suddenly, he slowly starts disappearing, and a golden light emanates from his body.

“Huh? What’s going on? Where are you going?” I ask.

“Haha, after all these years, you finally accepted a part of yourself that you’ve kept buried! We’re becoming one again! Although you may not see me physically, just know that I’m always here!” He replies as he smiles at me warmly.

“Got it! Thank you for everything! I’ve got it from here!” I yell as he disappears.

As I take one last look at my favorite skate park, I realize just how much I didn’t appreciate and cherish these memories. The fact is, life has its trials and tribulations, but we also have to appreciate those moments of innocence that are still a part of us. Your pain and sorrow don’t define you, they are simply just another part of you. It’s crazy that I almost allowed the child in me to wither and die just so I could feel safe when the truth of the matter was that I wasn’t being true to myself. I can still get this secure job while following my dreams and there is nothing wrong with that. I guess you could say this was a rebirth, a rebirth of my innocence.