Quiet Sneezer

This story was originally published on Medium.

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She sneezed one of those sneezes that was so quiet and high-pitched, you almost couldn’t hear it. Probably a sneeze that would’ve alerted all dog ears within a one mile radius. It made her sound like a cartoon. Hell, it even made her look like a cartoon. She already had some slightly cartoonish features… brought more to light after her mouse-like sneeze. There wasn’t even a wind up. No “ah.” Just “choo.” All lowercase. Tiny “choo.”

She excused herself from the table and headed to the bathroom. Avery waited until she was out of sight and then looked over to Evan.

“So, what do you think of her? Honestly.” Evan asked Avery. “I mean, I like her… a lot… but what do you think? I’m right. She’s great. Right?”

Avery felt awkward. But Evan wanted the truth.

“Um.” Good start to the sentence. “She’s a really quiet sneezer.”

Evan snorted a laugh.

“Okay. No really. What do you think?”

“Really… really quiet sneezer. Almost inaudible.”

“So what?”

“Well, quiet sneezers tend to be quiet laughers. Vice versa, loud sneezers, loud laughers.”

“I’ll repeat myself. So what?”

Evan appeared to be a tad annoyed. Avery decided to further elaborate.

“Hey, I got nothing against quiet sneezers. I even got a couple of quiet sneezers in my family. Many more loud sneezers. Even my brother, he’s one of those Multiple Sneezers. Never less than three at a time. His record was eight. He was running out of breath. We all thought he was going to pass out. His average is 3.5. I know that because every time he would sneeze, we would all count out loud how many times he sneezed. He really didn’t like that. But we used to record them and come up with the averages…”

“Avery! What the hell! What the hell are you talking about your brother’s sneeze average for?!”

“I just want you to know, I hold nothing against a quiet sneezer. I’d be fine with a quiet sneezer. But you, Evan. You’re an aspiring comedian. You want to make people laugh. That’s what you want to do for a living. And you’re going to be with a girl… with a quiet laugh? A laugh virtually undetectable? That’s not a good match.”

“Avery, that’s so–”

Evan stopped mid-sentence as he caught Avery’s eyes when they popped open. Avery had seen Fiona returning from the bathroom. He turned and saw her approaching and painted a big smile across his face.

“There she is!”

The dinner continued on. Fiona was nice. She seemed smart. A bit of an odd conversationalist. Avery did want Fiona to like him, just in case Evan made the horrible decision of staying with a quiet sneezer slash quiet laugher. Again, a horrible decision for him. Avery had no issue with quiet sneezers himself.

Avery told a little joke to lighten the mood, to get Fiona to laugh. He did want to make sure he was correct in assessing her laugh. And he was right. After the joke about the eskimo and the one night stand, she expelled a miniscule laugh. Smaller and quieter than her sneeze. She then excused herself and headed to the bathroom… again.

“Did you hear it?” Avery asked. “Tiny.”

“Will you just stop?” Evan was a bit annoyed.

But he needed to hear this.

“You’re a comedian. You need the person you’re with to be a supporter… someone who can boom with laughter from the back. Provide you with confidence. In fact, maybe you should be looking for a girl with one of those goofy and infectious laughs. The ones that make everyone else laugh even when something isn’t funny…”

“Just drop it.”

Fiona returned once more. The conversation continued on. They talked about an exhibit at a museum that Fiona and Evan had just gone to see. Fiona talked about her home state, Rhode Island.

And then Avery told another joke.

Again, he wanted Fiona to like him. But he had to hear the little laugh again… to be absolutely sure.

He was right. A tiny laugh. And then… Fiona excused herself to go to the bathroom… AGAIN.

“I know what you’re doing.” Evan said as soon as Fiona was gone.

“Yeah, I had to be sure. Evan, that laugh is microscopic. And by the way, how many times does she have to go to the bathroom? Who are you dating, Scarface?”

“You’re implying that she does cocaine?”

“I called her Scarface, didn’t I?”

“Scarface didn’t do the cocaine, he just sold it.”

“No, he did it too.”

“No, he didn’t.”

“Didn’t he?”

“Look, just stop it.”

Fiona was back fairly quickly. Avery checked her nostrils. Seemed clean. He checked her pupils… they seemed the same as… well, in all honesty, he hadn’t paid much attention to what they looked like before so he had nothing to compare them to. But they appeared fine… probably.

“So, Fiona, have you seen any good movies lately?” Avery asked.

Evan narrowed his eyes.

“None recently.” She answered.

“Seen any comedies lately? There are a few good comedies out right now.”

“No… I don’t really like to laugh.”

Whoa, red flag. Don’t like to laugh? Evan, what had you gotten yourself into? Who doesn’t like to laugh? I can see people saying they don’t laugh much, they don’t have much to laugh about… but once you laugh… it’s good! Right? Laughing is what you do when you enjoy something. It is literally your enjoyment expressed into audio form. How could you not like laughing? It is in no way a bad experience. This girl just didn’t know true laughter… true comedy… that had to be it.

Evan eyed Avery the rest of the dinner. Avery played it cool. He tried to act normal. But in the back of his head, Fiona’s words echoed on and on.

She didn’t like to laugh. She was a quiet laugher. She was with Evan… an aspiring comedian. How was this going to work? Avery was going to need to hit her with the funniest thing he could think of… let this girl feel the ultimate laugh… the ultimate feel-good laugh… and maybe she would finally realize what she was missing out on.

Or… if she didn’t enjoy the laugh… then Evan would see how much of a problem this is.

They paid the bill. They got up from the table and slowly headed towards the exit behind a large crowd of slow-moving people. Evan led the way. Then, Fiona. Then, Avery.

“Hey, Fiona, you ever notice how Evan has a bit of a cocky walk?” Avery asked her.

Fiona turned and looked at Avery. She nodded. Evan glared at Avery with confusion as to what he was even getting at.

“Yeah, he’s got this real great stride. Most men can’t achieve that stride. But Evan can, mainly because of his lack of cocky between his legs.”

A sputtering explosion launched from Fiona’s mouth and turned into a full-fledged “HAHAHA!”

That’s right. All uppercase. She launched such a loud laugh. She was capable. A look of sheer joy on her face.

Suddenly, the joy on her face twisted… it melted to despair… it rapidly morphed into panic.

I heard one of the people ahead of us yell, “Ah yuck!”

I looked at him to see he was pointing at the floor just below Fiona. A puddle of light yellow liquid was forming on the floor. It was slowly growing… the epicenter being Fiona’s feet.

“Oh my God!” She gasped before she ran off to the bathroom once more.

“What the hell is wrong with you?!” Evan yelled.

“What?!” Avery was so confused.

“Fiona has a condition where too much exertion… like from laughing… or sneezing… can make her pee!”

“Well, I didn’t know that!”

“Well, that’s why she said she didn’t like to laugh! And that’s why I was telling you to drop it!”

“Oh, so that’s why she kept going to the bathroom…”

“You couldn’t just leave it alone! You had to keep prodding!” Evan was red with anger.

“Hey, it’s not my fault! You could have told me beforehand! Could’ve warned me! Then, I would’ve prepared myself to not be so funny!”

“I figured I didn’t have to worry about it because you’re not that funny!”

“I am too funny!”

“No you’re not!”

“Not only am I funny… I am actually hilarious!”

“You are so delusional! You have a mild sense of humor!”

“I have presence! I have timing!”

“You’re not as funny as you think you are, Avery!”

“Look, just because I’m not as funny as you are, it doesn’t mean I’m not also funny! You don’t have to get so defensive just because you’re an aspiring comedian! Other people are allowed to be funny!”

“What you are, is an asshole!”

“Who is hilarious! So hilarious… I made her pee her pants!”

“Fine! You’re a hilarious asshole! Are you happy?!”

Evan stormed off towards the bathrooms.

“Yes, I am! Thank you for finally recognizing that I am a hilarious asshole!”

Avery’s voice echoed as he realized… with Evan gone… he was surrounded by a crowd of strangers who were all staring at him. A yellow puddle just next to him on the floor. And he had just been screaming at the top of his lungs.

A waiter slowly walked over to him. He had cleaning spray in one hand and a roll of paper towels in the other. He stopped in front of Avery and stared him dead in the eyes.

“So, you’re the one who made her pee her pants?” The waiter asked Avery, shoving the paper towels and the cleaning spray towards him.

“You’re damn right I am.”

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