Post Apocalyptic Chronicles of a Misanthropic Teen

Do you remember when zombies were all the rage, when everyone was talking about a zombie apocalypse. I once saw a car that had a large Umbrella Corporation symbol on the hood. It was painted with blood splatters and said ‘Zombie killing machine’ on the driver side door. It was rolling through the grocery store parking lot. It was pretty epic at the time. Back then you played the one weapon game. ‘If a zombie apocalypse happened you could only choose 1 weapon, what would it be?’ Nearly everyone thought Daryl from The Walking Dead TV show had it right with the crossbow. Boy, were they wrong. It had to be the bad boy image with the sweet home Alabama heart. I totally loved him in Boondock Saints. That being said, when it comes to zombie killing a cross bow is a no go, you’re not fucking cool Daryl. I, however, chose the “oh Fuck” and run method. Seems to work better then Daryl’s dumb ass cross bow. Zombies are only dangerous for the first few months after death when they have muscle tone. They are fucking slow after that. They can barely hold themselves together and just gnaw on you if you get caught. They are more gross than anything. A lot of people kind of lose it after getting surrounded by a group of zombies chomping at you.

Back in the day after the Zombie fad faded, Aliens were the thing to speculate about. Will they be friendly? Will they want to eat us, will they be all knowing, Earth loving higher beings like Keanu Reeve in that one movie. Fuck NO! Seriously? Why else would they leave their planet?? They fucked their planet so much they had to go grab a new one, just like us-- You know, I have had a sneaking suspicion that the “Finders Keepers rule” is the real universal law since EVERY world history and social studies class ever. The English did it to the Scottish, the Spanish to the Indians, the Aliens just kind of proved it to mankind. So, go suck it Mr. Franklin and the “D” I got on my 10th grade midterm report on cultural injustice.

Truthfully, it's really hard to know if the aliens came first or the zombies. Everyone had their theories but it's a chicken or the egg kind of thing. People thought it was the Covid vaccines but everyone was too worried about the aliens to really care to figure it out. Since the Aliens were really distracted by the zombie. I guess Zombies are a deal breaker. I mean you wouldn’t take over a new house if it were infested with roaches… I would be like NOPE, tear that bitch down!! I guess the Aliens felt they could salvage the place or something. Rather than help the Aliens and become allies the government came up with the greatest idea. If you didn’t know, it WAS NOT A GREAT IDEA. They thought we should thwart the alien invasion by luring the aliens via zombies to Yellowstone Park and blow them up, killing two birds with one stone. Then we could take their technology and find our new home or some shit. Yet, another prime example of the Finders Keepers rule in action. Obviously. some dumb-dumb didn’t think that through. The rule of dumb-dumb is there is never just one in the room. So of course, this Idea gained a following and BOOM, bye-bye Earth.

So, here we are during the trifecta of apocalyptic events…. I, Lawna Greeves, the misanthropic teen with abandonment issues, is as far as I am aware, the only human alive to catalog the current state of events. Just in case a future race arrives and wants to know “what the fuck happened here” and also, I’m bored. My mom always said that if I were bored it was a “me problem” and it showed my lack of imagination in finding something to do. So, I gave myself something to do. I am currently on a mission; traveling from Minneapolis, Minnesota to Orlando Florida. I will be chronicling everything I see happening in the world, if anything. Once in Orlando, I plan to throw my heart shaped locket into the sea. It holds the last remaining photo of my family. We always planned a family vacation to Florida. I hope Harry Potter World is still there.