Pinto Noir: Three Ways to Carve a Bean

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They say a man’s gotta choose: honest work or easy money.

I say beans don’t care either way. Beans don’t talk, beans don’t testify. They just sit there waiting to be split, bagged, sold, or stolen. So here’s the gospel of legumes — three crooked sermons on how to carve bread when the shelves go empty.

Option 1: Rent-a-Kitchen

You rent a tired commissary kitchen, stainless steel shining but the air still reeks of mop water. The landlord clocks $35 an hour, which spreads out to about $2.50 per unit in rent when you batch 200 bags. Add that to your $10 bean cost, and each 5-lb parcel stands at $12.50 all-in.

The math:

Sell at $15 → $2.50 profit per unit, total profit about $500.

Sell at $20 → $5 profit each, about $1,000 if you move 200 units.

Sell at $25 → $12.50 profit each, $2,500 for the batch.

It’s a grind — fluorescent lights, long nights, and the soft rustle of beans sliding into mylar. Respectable, in its own crooked way. But rent’s a leash, and the landlord’s always tugging.

Option 2: False Flags & Online Hustle

Forget the kitchen, forget the inspector. Rebrand them as “Novelty Collectible Beans.” Slap a bald eagle or saint’s halo on the label, or fake it further with packaging marked Heritage Seeds or Emergency Prep Supplies. Ship them under the nose of the Cottage Act, tucked in categories that look harmless. On paper: decorative Americana. In reality: calories in costume.

The math:

$13 each → 200 units = $2,600 gross, $600 profit (undercut to move volume).

$20 each → $4,000 gross, $2,000 profit.

$25 each → $5,000 gross, $3,000 profit.

When crisis empties shelves and aisles echo hollow, 5-lb units jump to $30, $40, even $50. That’s $6K, $8K, $10K gross from a $2K stake. Suddenly you’re not just a seller — you’re a central bank, and the currency is edible.

As long as the Internet hums, eBay’s doors stay open. That’s where the hustle sharpens: false listings, novelty fronts, and undercover bids that outpace any street corner. Undercut at $13 to move quick, but online you can hustle undercover for more, skimming profit while the regulators sleep.

Option 3: Highway Harvest

Then there’s the road nobody names. A semi rolls heavy, 40,000 pounds of beans strapped in 50-lb coffins. That’s 800 sacks, humming like a steel rosary. You “acquire” the freight, rebag into 5-lb street packs, and dump them quick — $2.50 a bag just to clear the mountain.

Eight thousand units in your grip. Fire-sale at $2.50 → $20,000 fast cash. Hold for $15 → $120,000 gross, about $100K clean profit after costs. No rent. No eBay. No middleman. Just you and the asphalt. You don’t compete with the market — you become the market. And everyone else eats from your hand, or starves.

🩸 Curtain Call

So pick your sermon:

Pay the rent and grind like a straight man. (~$500–$2,500)

False-flag online with fake labels and a wink. (~$600 at lowball, up to ~$10K in crisis)

Or hijack the artery itself, laughing while the world goes hungry. (~$20K–$100K+)

Totals Recap:

Investment baseline: $2,000 → 20 bags (200 units)

1. Option 1 profit: ~$500 to $2,500
2. Option 2 profit: ~$600 to ~$10,000 depending on crisis
3. Option 3 profit: ~$20,000 quick dump to ~$100,000+ if held higher

And remember: laundering the highway haul is its own sermon. You can wash Option 3 through Option 1 or 2 — rebag in a rented kitchen or disguise them with novelty labels online. Suddenly the stolen beans look respectable, just another product in circulation.

Beans don’t care what you choose. Beans just sit there, waiting for you to decide how dark you want your humor to run.