Peace and Quiet

They were too loud. What were once whispers in the back of my mind were now screams. There was someone missing, the one person who kept them all back. My body hurt. My mind hurt. My head hurt. I coughed and blood caked my lips. I wanted to open my eyes, but the darkness was so comforting. What had happened? My stomach hurt. I needed to open my eyes. I could barely think. I wanted a smoke. I forced my eyelids open only for my eyes to roll into my head. Maybe I should have gone back to sleep. The black was so comforting. Just a quick nap then…

“Misha!” A female voice called from the edges of my consciousness. “Misha, it’s not your time.” They were speaking Russian. “Your sister is in there.”

I was suddenly in the hallway next to the door to my father’s study. My right arm was casted. I was thirteen again, before Tazud, before my bar mitzvah. I nodded and waited for Millie to leave. I wanted my mother to stay there with me, to protect me from my father’s wrath, but Maverick pulled her away from me. My heart was racing, and the longer I waited, the more I felt I was going to die. My heart was in my throat. The door opened and my arms were shaking. Millie left and looked at me with fear. My feet were slabs of concrete; I needed to get this over with. My right arm was itchy and I couldn’t scratch it. I stood across from his desk. He didn’t look at me but I could tell he was furious.

“Mikhail,” he said. He gripped his pen tighter in his hand. “What is this about you getting into a fight?”

I already knew in his mind I was the one to blame. Arguing or trying to tell him the truth wouldn’t change that fact. After every physical injury from Andrew, Jordan, and William I was always the one to blame. “I’m sorry,” I said and tilted my head to the floor.

His voice seemed to soften. “Mikhail, it’s not your fault.” I picked my head up; this had never happened before. He’d never shown me compassion before. “It’s that damn school’s fault.”

“You’re…not angry?” My voice stuck in my throat. I didn’t know what to expect. I was scared to speak.

“Of course, I’m angry!” He yelled. “They broke your arm! We can’t hide that; now we have to take action!”

I tiled my head back down to the ground. He was only angry because he had to care. I wasn’t sure what I expected. I nodded. I dissociated. I just nodded when he yelled at me. I let him hit me. I found comfort in the fact that I’d get to see Ana and Vasil. They were all I had. It’s okay if he yells at me. It’s okay if he hits me. It’s okay if he hates me because Ana and Vasil would be there.

I coughed. There was pressure on my chest. I couldn’t force my eyes to open. I needed to open them. Was I safe? They were too loud. Shut up. Shut up. I couldn’t think. I felt I couldn’t breathe. Open your eyes, Mikhail. You could do this, open your eyes. Don’t go back into the darkness…but the darkness was so comforting…

“What are you afraid of?” “The Triumvirate.” “The ancient Roman one?” “No. They call themselves ‘The Triumvirate’. Jordan, Andrew, and William.” “Why?” “Who are you exactly?” “You don’t remember?” “No.” “I’m——.” “Oh…Why am I here?” “Your mother is worried about you.” “She doesn’t need to worry.” “That’s what mothers do. They worry.” “Can I leave?” “There’s still quite a bit of time.” “I want to leave. I don’t need to be here.” “Just give it a try?” “Goodbye.”

It was hazy, bright, spinning. I wanted a smoke. Shut up. Shut up. Be quiet. I couldn’t think. Be quiet. Where was Tazud? He needed to keep them in line. Keep them down. I needed to keep them down. My abdomen hurt. They were fighting against the hamsa, fighting tooth and nail to gain a vessel in this world. Go away, go back to the Pit.

“He’s gone,” someone said flatly. “He’ll be back in three months.”

I had to focus through the sounds, through the idle conversations in my head. “Why?” My throat was dry; it hurt to speak.

“You told me in the eventuality you lose control of him, you wanted me to banish him to the ‘in between’ for three months,” they answered.

I let my eyes close, back to the eternal darkness. I had forgotten the Rites of King Solomon existed. Quiet. Quiet down. Banish them all. No, that would cause too much strain. What was I doing? Open your eyes, sit up. Banish them. You can do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Banish them. Then it’ll stop. Shut up. What are you afraid of? Shut up. Do it, invoke His wrath. Invoke Her wrath. You’ll feel better when they’re gone. Do you remember playing hide and seek? Ana and Vasil are there for me. Why should I care? Do it. Banish us. I couldn’t think. It hurt. I wanted a smoke. Where was I? Open your eyes, Mikhail. Breathe, Mikhail. Cut your hand open, Mikhail. That was stupid of you to carve a hamsa in your abdomen. What are you afraid of? The Princesses? Annie doesn’t care. Open your eyes, none of this is real. You’re safe, you’re home. It’s all one big nightmare. Don’t lie to yourself, Mikhail. Shut up. Shut up. Of course, we’re angry. Do it. Say the words. You won’t. Open your eyes. Die. You trapped us here, let us return the favor. I’m not dead. Banish them. Invoke the Rites. Don’t.

“What’s wrong, child?” Lilith asked.

“What’s wrong, comrade?” They taunted.

“What’s wrong, idiot?” Annie snarled.

“What’s wrong, Mikhail? Tell me how to fix you. You can’t leave me. I can’t lose you.” Who was that? They sounded familiar…

Doesn’t matter. We’ll keep you here. Quiet. Who is that? Where am I? I need help. Don’t do this. Stay with us forever. No. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. I need Tazud. I need a Duke. No, you don’t. You were being held back by him. Be quiet. The Rites. I need to invoke the Rites. I need to banish them. Open your eyes. Say the words. I can do this. I can escape the darkness. Don’t do it. I invoke the Rites of King Solomon, first of his kind, feared among Daemons of the Pit. Don’t do this to us, Misha. I strike thee to the In-between of Life and Death. Stay here with us. Thy holder of thou Pentacle will not be Unbound. It’s fun here. For three cycles will thee stay in the In-between—We’ll keep you company—away from the Pit, away from the Earth. Little Misha don’t do this. If thou breaks the Rites of King Solomon, the Wrath of the Almighty, Adonai, the wrath of King Solomon, and the wrath of Lilith, Queen of Darkness, Mother of all Daemons, Ruler of the Pit, will be brought upon thee… Quiet…Finally some peace and quiet…