Paralysis

My heart pounding, I open my eyes.

At first, I see nothing, and it’s hard to tell if they are even open.

I blink to make sure, and sure enough, the view doesn't exist.

The utter lack of anything familiar disorients me, as I feel my mind frantically trying, and failing, to recognise anything in the inky black.

Then, it slowly phases into focus. Its tenebrous hand mimes the turning of a knob, as I feel it adjust the lens of reality.

The outline of the being is blurry, and it’s impossible to tell where it ends and the black murk begins. I barely make out a humanoid shape.

I look up, expecting to see a face, an identity. Something I could grasp.

But instead of a face, I see a soul.

A mosaic of memories,

made up of everything I knew,

everything I know,

and everything I would know.

Why would something that's seen everything come here? I questioned.

Being a scientist, I wanted desperately to know, to comprehend.

Being human, I knew better than to bear such a burden.

The being shakes its head, in what seems like disapproval.

Then, its arms extend as it reaches forward, and places its hand on my forehead.

Its fingers are cold, but gentle.

After a brief moment the hand recedes, leaving behind a lingering thought.

An awareness.

It takes a while for me to take in, but I realize:

“Human”.

“Scientist”.

“Me”.

These labels I clung onto, they were merely hopeless attempts to claim something, anything, as my own amidst the sea of noise.

But none of that mattered now.

I notice a tingling sensation creeping up my ankle, and I realize I can’t feel my toes.

Shaking my head, I try regaining my composure, hoping to shake off some of the dread as well.

I collect my thoughts, feeling everything and nothing at all, as now my legs start to go numb.

If this keeps rising…

Time is not on my side. It never was. I think to myself.

All the while, I didn't keep my eyes off of the being , in a futile attempt to intimidate it.

Or maybe I couldn't.

The numbness was now up to my stomach, but it didn't stop the sinking feeling.

I try to take a deep breath to compose myself, but the shakiness of the breath only makes me realize how little control I have, over my breath, over my body, and over everything else.

Here, at the very end, I saw how absurd it all was.

So much conflict. So much hatred. So much suffering. And for what?

Man’s search for meaning was meaningless, and declaring that it was, even more so.

The numbness had reached my neck.

I attempt to thrash my legs in a desperate bid to stay afloat, but there is no water to kick, and no limbs that belong to me anymore.

The terror is unbearable and I attempt to scream, but not a sound comes out.

Then, as the numbness reaches my bottom lip, it hits me.

Why am I so scared?

This one little thought gives me clarity.

I feel the tension ebb away, as do the tremors in my breathing.

This...this was okay. This was how it’s always been. Why fight it?

I let go, allowing the numbness to wash over me,

the feeling consuming me fully.

I close my eyes, savoring the serenity, and feeling whole again.

I am at peace, at last.

I smile at it, as I finally understand.

"So this was what you wanted all along?"

It smiles back,

A warm, nostalgic smile.

It nods.

“Welcome home.”