Our Field

Everyone knew where to find me. They knew where I would be because it was where I had been every day for the past month. When there was no place that required my presence, I was in the field.

Our field.

Laying amongst the golden flowers brought a feeling of peace inside me that I feel no place else. Ever since I lost him, I have not been able to find that comfort anywhere but here. Here, where he would hold me for hours on end. Here, where we would laugh about the crazy things that happened in our lives that no one else knew about. Here, where we would cry to each other about things that we were unable to talk about with anyone else. Amongst the marigolds was where I felt the most safe and complete.

He knew things about me that I have never been able to tell another living soul, before or after. He was my soulmate and I know that I will never be able to find someone who understood me in the way that he did.

“Do you think that we will be together forever?”, I used to ask him as he laid flat amongst the marigolds with me on top of him as my head laid on his chest.

“I know we will”, he would answer me right before laying the most gentle kiss on the top of my head.

That was how I thought every day was going to go for the rest of our lives.

Outside of our oasis, everywhere I looked, I was reminded of what I lost. The minute I stepped into the golden blanket of flowers, I actually felt like I was with him again. Like I could reach out and he would pull me into his arms and tell me that he was sorry for breaking me into the shell of a human that I currently am. A few times, I have found myself speaking as if he was actually right in front of me, but then I remember. He’s not mine anymore.

I constantly think about the aspects of our relationship that made it what it was. His parent's disapproving looks. Picking up the smallest rocks outside of his house to throw up to his window to signal my presence. The way he would silently sneak outside and into my grandfather's blue 1967 Camaro, kissing me ever so delicately before we were on our way into the night. He was like no one I had ever met before.

It took him years to come to terms with a piece of his identity that I had known about myself my entire life. And just when he had fully accepted that piece, his parents made their distaste for “that lifestyle” known. He was forced to hide away from the world because of his parents. That was until he met me. I was able to help him come out to the world. Though I have always known this part of my identity, he was the first person with who I was fully able to experience it and I will be forever grateful to him for that. He was happy with me and I was the happiest I have ever been with him.

Or so I thought.

Ever since I have been without him, this is where I go. This yellow patch of paradise where I get to remember how we were able to explore pieces of our lives that others may not have the luxury to do. Where we eventually spent our last date together before he broke my heart inside the very Camaro that we would sneak around in.

I miss him every day and it pains me to see him in the hallways of the school that we still share. Him laughing with people who he would have never met if we had not been together. Him never giving me a second glance even though I look at him every time that I see him. The looks that his friends would give me as they pass by do not hurt nearly as much as the way that he never looks at me.

Even with the ache running through my whole body, I wouldn’t have wanted it to be anyone else. That is why I choose to spend my free time in this field surrounded by little golden reminders of my first love. It allows me to think how far I have come in my life as well as how happy I once was. That is what brings me peace during this time of heartbreak.

As the sky begins to turn pink above me, I stand up after the hours spent there for the day. Before I leave the bright-colored field, however, I bend down and pick up one of the small marigolds that remind me of the one I used to call the love of my life and hold it close to my chest. I breathe in its aroma and make my way out of the field. As I climb back into that old blue car, it pains me to think that in just a few short months, this bit of paradise that represents my love, will die out just like his love for me did.