Orphan

I do not understand my Family, with the faces that move and crinkle and squinch, things that my face does not do, unless I tell it. I do not feel happy. Except maybe when I am having candy.

Family tells me that I cannot have candy now.

Family says that too much candy is bad, but it was all good when I found some and had it all. I got sick. I had to hide, Family’s faces told me to.

I know to eat. When the food is white. I will not eat orange or green food because my mouth spits it out.

…

I know things, I remember them, but they forget me. I know this is my Family. They give me bread and tell me things. They show me pictures of when I was younger. The world was not dark. Or cold. Or inside walls and tunnels, all the time. They point at the pictures and say, there you are, with us, at the zoo. Or the park. I do not think it is me. Because I am small, still, and why do they wear a different face? Does it mean something, Family is always wearing the same face? In the pictures?

Sometimes, I look in the metal, and try to make the face in the pictures. I show my teeth. I curve my lips. I make my face like the picture.

But my Family asks if I need help with my tooth brusher.

My face rests again. I cannot make Family not feel, like I do not feel.

…

There is a shape, it feels warm, and also cold, against the skin of my chest. Family says it is like a heart, calls it a locket. I do not understand what is a lock, or the marks are that swim on its surface, that move and shift away when I look at them. I asked it, once. What is it for.

I will ask it again later.

…

When I am lying down, I hear Family scream, in the tunnels, and hit their hands on the walls and the floor. When it is quiet again, Family comes to see if I am in my bed. I close my eyes and pretend to sleep. Family stands and looks at me for a long time, sometimes. When the lights are off.

…

Family tells me to do things, when the lights are on. I am to help in the Garden. We grow our plants there, it is a big room with many lights. We are growing food for Family to eat. Sometimes the plants die, and Family cries. And asks me questions. That I do not know the answers to. When the plants die, I am hungry, too.

…

Family puts me in the glass bed, full with warm water, and that is where I stay for a long time. Family thinks that I am asleep, but I am awake, floating in the darkness. I cannot move. I wonder about things, where the tunnels go, after the bed-room and the Garden. I count numbers, but I forget what number I counted to. I start over.

When Family comes to get me, the glass bed is smaller. So is Family. Some of the hair on Family’s face is gray, now.

…

I have a Friend. When I fall asleep and cannot move, I can see him, standing close by. I feel heavier, in my chest. Where the lock-it is. It makes me afraid, because I cannot breathe. Friend watches me, does not know that I am afraid and cannot breathe. Friend watches me until I sleep. When I wake, only Family is there.

…

There are things in the tunnels and walls that scratch, squeak. Eat our food. Family hates them, calls them many things but also mice. There is something that eats them. Family likes this thing, cat. I do not know why the cat does not have a lock-it. I will ask it later.

…

One time, when I woke from the warm-water bed, there was blood on my legs. I was scared but Family said it is ok. Family says I can have a baby now. I do not know what is a baby, so Family gives me a small person made of cloth. I still do not understand.

Maybe Family wants another person. Something smaller.

Family calls the warm-water bed an ink-you-bater. Family says I will be one, too, then laughs. I do not know what is funny about ink-you-baters.

…

I tried to ask the cat about the lock-it but it made a hissing noise and I was afraid it would wake Family because I was supposed to be in my bed but then it bit me and I had to make it stop and I squeezed it and now it isn’t moving or eating anything even though I brought it a mice

…

The plants are dying. Family says I will have to sleep for a long time in the ink-you-bater because it will take a long time to grow the plants again. I do not want to. I am tired of the counting and my Friend does not come to watch me.

Family says I can have some candy. The candy makes me sleepy.

Family does something to the lock-it. Says there will be a baby in me, soon. I ask for more candy. Family says candy is not good for ink-you-baters. Then gives me more candy. Something is funny again.

…

I hear Family coughing, retching, as I sleep. In the ink-you-bater. Something inside me is moving. It flutters, first. Later, it pushes and thumps. The thumps make me forget the numbers, so I count them instead. Family is not coughing any more.

…

I am awake again, but it is dark. The ink-you-bater is cold, hard to get out of. My middle is big and heavy, and it is hard to walk. Family is not here.

Family is not in the bed. I hear mice, step on one. It bites me.

Family is not in the Garden. There are no plants.

I will look in the tunnels.

…

It has been a long time and I am hungry. I have not seen Family, but when I rest, Friend watches me.

I will look for them. I feel a light – I will go to that.

Family is there.