Open your eyes

The eyes of the beautiful barn owl flashed into my mind as I looked into my reflection. Did I really want this? Is this the life I dreamed for myself? After I turn off the faucet, wipe my hands dry and open the bathroom door. I will put on my viel, be presented with some old, something new, something borrowed and something blue. Then I will be given away to the love of my life who might wake up ten years from now and roll over and look at someone they don’t love anymore. And he stopped loving me about seven years into the marriage but now he’s just decided to stay because it gives him some —----- BANG! BANG!

“ What are you doing in there girl? We still have to put on your lashes and highlighter and you have to get your nose contour just right or you will refuse to take pictures! I’m coming in”.

“I’m coming, I just need a second.” I said to my cousin Carla.

“Are you okay? You spiraling again? Do I need to get him?”

“ No, no….Is it that obvious? I’m terrified Carla. This ring is huge and it comes with a lot of responsibilities. He’s so in love with me that sometimes its hard for him to see me hurt. He can't fathom that “his heart” could ever be broken. I’m so tired of trying to be perfect and achieve some imaginary life that doesn’t exist. I feel like he thinks I’m perfect but I’m not and I don't want him to think I am. I don’t want to disappoint him by not being perfect. The mask is slipping.”

“ Mask, what are you talking about,” Carla says as she turns off the faucet and I sit on the toilet. “You live your life with your heart on your sleeve, I’m surprised you can spell mask. You are always yourself, and he makes you comfortable and when you're comfortable you ARE a different version of yourself. You will always be you and that man loves you beyond life and death. He created a carefully cultivated playlist for you to listen to today because he knew you had to be in the “right mood”. Most people spend their entire lives searching for a fraction of what y’all have. Besides, you already have the dress and the ring, that way if you want to call it quits you’ll have something to pawn.” Carla laughs and her eyes disappear, a family curse. She tilts her head back and fixes her hair in the mirror.

Carla has always known me too well. She knows exactly how to get my spirits where they need to be. She puts me on the right path by reminding me that the possibilities of life are endless but the reality of my life is not a possibility without marrying the man I love.

“Thank you Carla, I appreciate you reminding me of the love I have around me. I love the playlist and that man. Ugh, I love it but it makes me sick. I do not want to be that wife who’s like – that wife I like the sound of that – but anyway…..”

“Nope we are leaving the bathroom and then we can talk” Carla says as she yanks the door open and pushes me out of the bathroom.

“Eden, there you are, telephone” My mom thrusts the phone against the side of my face without another world and disappears in the crowd of tumbling women, gracefully getting prepared for the ceremony.

“Hey” I can hear the smile in his voice.

“Hi” I say as I lean against the window staring down at the beautiful rows of sunflowers.

“Where were you, I love our mother but I wanted to hear your voice”

“Our mother, that’s cute. I was in the bathroom”

“Why were you in the bathroom?” The curiosity apparent in his voice along with the gears turning in his head.

“Looking in the mirror thinking about the owl we saw. Owls are mysterious, they are said to represent change, death, and intuition. They are guardians and watchers.”

“That's the perfect sign, death to our lives apart and birth to the one we are building together. I can wait to see you in that beautiful dress. I’m so proud of you for pushing yourself to finish it.”

Everytime he complimented me I wore a permanent blush for hours. Despite my dark complexion, the apples of my cheeks pulsated when he shared his admiration of my craft.

“Thank you, I really wanted to have lace trim around the straps and top but the store only laid the course lace not the silk lace and —”

“--Course lace makes you itch, I know but I love any lace you wear as long as I can take it off. Deal?”

“Deal, but don’t think that means that you can rip this one, it is sentimental.”

“I am always delicate with my flower, Love. I’ll meet you at the altar. I love you.”

“I love you.”

“Till the end.”

“Till the end.”