Never Goodbye

Abigail looked at the same road she had walked a thousand times. The dirt path leading from her front door turned into pavement a little before the 7-Eleven came into view. A couple miles past that was her high school. Most days, she was awake and headed to class before the sun was up.

Today, however, she was running behind schedule. Her mother, Lorraine, a large woman with a mean-spirited disposition and a keen ability to make Abigail feel completely insignificant, had kept her at home to do some chores.

Lorraine looked down her nose at her daughter. “Why haven’t you gotten my bedclothes from the washbasin and hung them on the line to dry yet? You know it’s the only set I have, and I need to get back in bed as quickly as possible. I’m a frail, sick woman and you know it. It’s like you don’t even care about your poor, sick Momma.”

Abby already had her mother sheets and pillowcases in her hands, ready to do as her mother wished, but she just kept staring at the dirt path. One day, she planned to start walking and never look back. She wanted to drop the linens, walk past the 7-Eleven where she bought her mother cigarettes at least once, maybe twice a day, and even past the school where she at least got some solace from her mother’s constant needling. Not today though. First, she wanted to talk to John.

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John had been her best friend since kindergarten. He had always been the smallest kid in class but had massive heart and smarts to make up for his size. He had found her one day, sitting in the woods, beside her dirt road. She was crying, raging; at the end of her rope from dealing with her mother.

He was carrying his backpack, tackle box, and two fishing poles: heading to Old Murphy’s Pond. While most expected he was too much of a bookworm to enjoy anything outdoors, John enjoyed the peace and patience that came with fishing.

“What did your mom do this time, Abby?” John said, without even looking at her.

“Aaaagggghhhh Smalls! What hasn’t she done!”

Smalls was the nickname she’d given him since day one. The other kids had ridiculed him with the name, but she had told them all, “good things come in small packages and John is as good as they come.”

John had smiled, happy the cruelty had transformed to kindness. He’d liked her ever since. He probably even loved her but was sure a girl as beautiful as Abigail Finley could never feel the same about him.

She deserved a man who could sweep her up in his arms and carry her across the threshold or be her loving protector if someone ever treated her wrong. He loved her and that’s why he wanted her to have all she deserved and more.

The day he had wiped away her angry tears and convinced her to go fishing with him was the day he fell in love with her. He understood her painful home life. His dad was always drinking. By the end of most nights, John’s father, Paul Lester, had John locked in the dark basement forcing him to do pushups, sit-ups, and lift weights in order to make him the big guy his father expected him to be.

He loved when Abby called him Smalls as opposed to the names his father always called him. Wimp, pussy, and bitch were his favorites. He wanted more than anything for his father’s workout regime to take hold, so he could pound his father’s face into a pulp, but he knew that would never happen.

John and Abby had made their way to Old Murphy’s Pond. They only had to walk across the steppingstones to get to John’s spot. On the third, smooth rock, Abby slipped and did a split into the water. Her head was hanging down and John was sure she was crying. He splashed into the water and gingerly lifted her chin. A mischievous grin was planted where he expected trembling lips. She scooped a handful of mud from under the water and wiped it across his face. As she pulled him the rest of the way into the pond, laughing.

The slimy, purple underside of the green Lily pads were touching John’s arm he was ready to get up and leave, embarrassment getting the best of him, but then Abigail cupped the cool clean water in her hand and began washing his face. She leaned in and kissed his cheek.

He was sure her kiss was completely innocent, but a warming sensation immediately radiated throughout his body. He wanted desperately to kiss her back, to feel her soft lips against his own, but was terrified of certain rejection. Abby was his person, the only one on earth who accepted him as he was, and if he pushed her away, he’d have no one.

Instead, he took the hand she offered, to help him stand up and said a muffled, “thank you,” without another word. He had packed his waterproof backpack with some shorts, a shirt, and a blue and gray flannel. He insisted Abby put on the dry clothes and let him stay in the wet ones. He would never be comfortable getting himself dry, while letting her stay soggy and miserable. He also didn’t want her to leave him there all alone.

Abby was the only person in the world with whom he’d want to share this space. The frogs croaking, the crickets chirping, and the cool breeze that flowed between the mountains through the valley and over the pond made John’s life feel perfect, if only for a short while.

Though she probably knew it wasn’t true, he assured her that he planned on wading through the pond a bit before casting his line, so his clothes would be wet anyways. Still, she accepted his kindness, gave him a hug, and proceeded behind the huge Rhododendron bush to put on the dry clothes.

Since he had to continue the façade, he hurried and baited his hook with his favorite, not a nightcrawler but a hellgrammite and waded a bit into the huge pool of water. Almost immediately, a largemouth bass hit the line.

”You’re good luck Abby! I never catch anything this quick except maybe a cold!”

“Damn Smalls! Catch a few more and I’ll fix dinner for us tonight, if you can swing by. Besides, mom will be on her best behavior if I have company over.”

But Abigail was wrong. Lorraine shoved John off the porch when they got home, saying she wasn’t up for company and that no daughter of hers was going to start being a tramp at 13. Abby ran in the house crying and John walked off, throwing his six huge fish out in the woods to rot, just like the rest of his miserable life.

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Today, though, John was skipping school and going to Old Murphy’s Pond. His place; his and Abby’s place. Paul had been in a drunken stupor last night and blacked John’s eye. He wasn’t up for the rest of the school kids bullying him too. He just couldn’t take much more.

After Abby got her mother’s sheets and pillowcases hanging to dry, Lorraine proceeded to list things for Abby to complete before school.

“Mom, I’ll be late for class if I don’t leave now! I may already miss the bell as it is!”

“You already have more book smarts than all those teachers combined. It wouldn’t hurt to you to stay home and take care of your poor, sick mother today,” Lorraine complained from her chair on the front porch. “I can tell it’s going to rain by how bad my joints are aching. Does that even matter to you?”

Abby had about as much as she could take. Instead of answering her mother, she simply walked past her and into the house. She grabbed her fully packed duffle bag from underneath her bed and silently exited the back door. As she slipped through the woods by her house, careful to be unnoticed, she could hear her mom yelling, “Abigail Louise Finley!!! Come back here and answer me. You are making your mother sicker! Is that what you want?”

Abigail took a shortcut to the pond. She not only wanted to talk to John but needed to in the worst kind of way. She was sure he was already at school, but to her surprise, she saw him sitting in the clearing, after she got across the stones. He looked like a statue, The Thinker. Head on hand he must have been pondering quite a bit.

“You’re here,” Abby exclaimed!

John hung his head down even further. He was excited to see Abby, but ashamed of his eye. To him, it signified his weaknesses. He didn’t want Abby to see him as such a failure. All of a sudden, he wanted to run. He wished he was what his dad tried to make him.

“Yeah, present.” He said meekly, “I wish I weren’t though. Wish I’d never been born.” He was speaking so softly; Abby could not hear.

As he looked up, Abby saw his eye. She didn’t ask where he got it. She already knew. She also knew making a big deal about it would make John feel worse, so she said nothing. Instead, she copped a squat beside him in the grass and put her head on his shoulder.

“I love you, Smalls. Your dad is a dick.”

All he could say was, “yeah.”

“Why don’t you come with me?” Abby said with no explanation.

“Where?”

“Anywhere but here. I have twelve hundred bucks saved and my bag packed Smalls. I’m ready to put distance between me and this town. What do either of us have holding us here?”

“My dad for one. He may be sorry, but he will die without me. Last night, after he punched me, he fell asleep and puked everywhere. I had to turn him on his side and clean him, so he didn’t choke on his own vomit.”

Abby wanted to tell him it would be his dad’s own fault if he drank himself into oblivion, but she knew John’s big heart and couldn’t force him to leave. What would she do without her Smalls though? He had inched his way into her heart, slowly but surely. At first, she just took up for him because she hated bullies, but over the years, she had seen what a wonderful man he was becoming. She was only 17 and his 18 years could help her out in the world, since he would technically be an adult and she would not be for another seven months.

However, it wasn’t necessary. She looked at least 22, as her fake ID denoted, and the “fluffed up” resume she typed in her free time at school, stated she had been the manager of a Dollar General for three years. She could make it on her own, but did she want that?

“It’s a big world, Smalls. There’s nothing the two of us couldn’t do together. My mom and your dad already had a chance to build their lives. Instead they tear us down. Let’s give ourselves a chance.”

John didn’t respond. He was still trying to decipher her words. Did she mean she wanted a relationship? Did she just want a friend, so she didn’t have to go alone? He would give anything to have Abby lay her head on his heart every night and make plans together for the future. If, however, they traveled as friends and she found another man, his heart would crumble. He’d rather his dad beat him every night than see Abigail in love with someone else.

He knew this day was coming. She had told him often about her plans to be free from her mom. All he wanted was Abby’s happiness, even if it caused him torment.

He was too scared to outright ask her about the feelings she held toward him. He wanted to beg her not to leave, to tell her she would always be his heart. The choice she presented would be the biggest decision of his life and he had no idea what to do.

Abigail remembered a Dr. Seuss book from their childhood and said, “Oh the Places You’ll Go!”

John smiled, reminiscing about Abby reading to him to ease his fears of his father. He would do anything for Abby, but in his heart, he believed she deserved better.

“You don’t need me to drag you down, Abby. You are strong, independent, and better off without me. I have seen what you have in that duffel bag and you could slay a dragon if necessary. I, on the other hand, don’t know how I’ll make it through a day without you, but you should go Abby. “Oh the Places You’ll Go!”

“What the hell, Smalls? I don’t wanna go without you. You’re my bestie and my brother. Please don’t let me go alone,” Abby pleaded.

There was his answer. In one word: Brother. She would never love him as anything more and he couldn’t handle it. He was hurt and angry. For the first time in his life, wanted to lash out at someone, just like his father did.

“I don’t feel like being used, Abby,” he said with a snarky tone. “Just go! This town has nothing left for you,”

Abigail could not believe what she was hearing. Her mom had finally driven her to make the choice to leave and now the only man she’d ever loved was pushing her away too.

“Wow, Smalls, maybe you’re more like your dad than I realized,” and with that, she grabbed her bag and walked away. She stopped after crossing the stone waterway and looked back. “Please don’t let your dad destroy that big heart, Smalls. It’s the best heart I’ve ever known.” She turned before her tears could start and walked away.

Abigail stopped at the 7-Eleven for some nachos and a Big Gulp and then stepped outside to wait for the town bus that would take her to the Greyhound Station in the next town over.

John sit, sulking. He wished he’d been man enough to go with Abby or at least tell her how he felt before she left his life forever. That big choice he had to make was still looming in his head, but hadn’t the moment passed? Maybe not, he thought. John left his belongings by the pond and started to run. His big chance was passing him by. He started to sprint as he leapt to the steppingstones. Slipping, he fell forward and gashed his head open. The easy breeze over the water kept his body floating, face down, near the stones.

Abigail could hear her mother’s voice as she waited for the bus, “Don’t you even care?” But it wasn’t her mother she was thinking about. It was Smalls. The look in his eyes when she left was eating at her.

She suddenly realized that the big world had nothing to offer without Smalls by her side. She dropped her food, drink and duffel bag, leaving a mess on the sidewalk and started running toward Old Murphy’s Pond.

It was eerily silent when she got there. Smalls was floating by the stones and Abby let out a guttural cry that she thought had come from somewhere else. She ran to his side and flipped him over. His lips were already blue, but she dragged him to land and tried CPR for what seemed like eternity. Her Smalls wasn’t coming back.

After all the medical emergency teams had gone through their normal procedures and questioned Abby thoroughly, they sent her home. She felt nothing. Numbness had consumed her.

When she reached her house, she saw the town sheriff sitting her bag on the porch, where her mom was sitting, fanning herself.

“Hey Abby,” he said, “Rusty down at the 7-Eleven said you left this there and I just wanted to get it to its rightful owner. I’m sure sorry about John. I know you two were close.”

“Like two peas in a pod,” Lorraine chimed in. “I can’t believe he’s gone. He was like my own. I’m simply beside myself. Abby, make your momma some tea to settle my nerves.”

Abby wanted to say, “Go screw yourself.” Instead, she made the tea, grabbed her bag and went to her room. She could hear the screech of a barn owl in the distance. It sounded like her heart felt at the moment.

In the bag, she found a folded piece of paper that she had not put there. She opened the paper to find a poem:

Never Goodbye

I loved you then

I love you still

I love you only

I always will

Just like an Oak

You made me feel tall

From the very first moment

That you called me Smalls

Wherever you go

Look up to the Skies

And picture me there

I’ll be by your side

My love for you

Will never die

So, this is not

My last goodbye

Love, Smalls