Neurosis

As he crossed the threshold into her office, Daniel's eyes frantically darted back and forth, looking for changes since last time, any noteworthy pieces of information which might make-or-break any multitude of potential dire situations that lay in the unknown of anythings' future. Nothing new was noticed apart from an apple and a slice of chocolate cake, presented like trophies, each resting in the middle of their own wooden chopping boards, equidistant from the middle of the long, black rectangular coffee table which occupied the middle of the office.

He casually introduced himself in deadpan tone "Hey Sarah."

"Hello Daniel, it's good to see you again I'm glad you could make it today; please, make yourself comfortable."

Daniel sneered at this remark but did his best not to show it. Did she mean it when she said she was glad I've arrived, or is she just being polite? What would that even mean anyway, that she was glad to see me? Glad that I didn't cancel? Glad she is getting money out of me? Perhaps she is happy because she can continue to silently judge my foibles, eccentricities, and snicker at my expense(doubly so, if one considers the fees)? and what makes her think I'm not comfortable? Is there something wrong with my stance? My face?

Of course! I am focusing on the wrong parts of the sentence. Glad you COULD MAKE IT today. . .So stupid I didn't see it sooner; she thinks I'm incompetent? That I am weak and feeble, and of such low self-esteem that it is necessary to add this positive reinforcement to my basic ability to have the decency to honor my commitment to an appointment? It's not like it was a business project deadline that I had some chance of failing, all I had to do was remember the date and show up. How condescending of her. Sheesh. Already off to a bad start. With an inward sigh, and averting his gaze, Daniel responds "Yeah uh, Hey Hi. Good to see ya; Sure whatever yea uh - like nothing wrong with standing but yeah I'll uh-"

He gave Sarah money for the session they were about to have as he shuffled his feet through the counselor's office, before dropping himself onto the left-hand facing, three-seater, light-grey chaise lounge. He splayed himself out across the entire length with his feet just hanging off the edge, careful not to put his shoes on the furniture. His counselor accepted the cash and put it away in her purse, then resumed her upright with her legs crossed over one another in a wide set white leather armchair, and opened her leather organizer.

"So. .shall we get started? Do you remember last week where we left off?"

"Sorta yea. you wanted me to keep a dream diary or something?"

"Not a dream diary, Daniel, I asked you to try and get a notebook or diary to kind of, make notes in each time you were struggling with a decision. Do you remember that? and we were going to review it today, and then try a little experiment together, if you're interested"

"Ah. Is that what the food is about?"

"Yes, that's right. I thought if you are interested, I will take you to lunch and pay for it IF, you can decide where we go before the end. We can talk about whatever you'd like, and then at the end, If you'd like, this decision could be the direction of our conversation today; and I'll do what I can to assist you, but in order to win your free meal, ultimately you have to make the decision."

Daniel's mind started trying to work out how many different kinds of options there were for providing two people with a meal within a reasonable distance from them. There were far too many options; he froze "I- uh- I-...that's..."

"This to help you with your making choices, for now it's just between two options; There's a Fruit juice and salad bar across the road, they also have wraps and sandwiches, which I've represented here with this apple" - as she is saying this, she gestures to the board with the apple on it - "and then a few minutes drive from here there is an English tea and sweets' shop, in case you've already had a meal, we could stop there for a tea and coffee, and some biscuits, or.." gesturing now to the other board with the cake on it "a slice of cake".

"Okay sure, that doesn't sound hard. I should be able to do that"

"Well, remember what we've spoken about; it's not about should, but if you'd like to we can try it, and work our way up to bigger decisions as we go."

"Okay sure, well yeah I'm happy to try and decide. . I just need a moment to consider the options; that's reasonable right?"

"Absolutely, that is no problem at all, whenever you're ready"

They lapsed into silence; Sarah patiently waiting in case she was wanted or for an answer provided, while Daniel sank back into his mind, which scrambled as fast as it could to piece together the pro's and con's of each option. As his thoughts began to organize, an internal conversation began to play out in his mind:

'A snack or a meal? Well if she is paying then the better value is the meal...of course, I could just get an abundance of things from either option, get my money's worth that way. Is that the right basis to make this decision on? It's the first thing that occurred to me. . if I change the basis of my reasoning now is that just pandering because I don't think she'd like that reason? Or do I think that's a bad reason, and so I should find a new one? Hmm. If I were to consider another basis of reason, what would some options be?'

. . .

'What other bases? Probably countless... Am I missing the point? On what basis of reason does she reason? With so many options how can I know? Is there a right answer then? Like formula, and I'll have to show my working?' Without realizing, Daniel's posture had changed; He was now sitting on the edge of the cushion, fleet flat on the ground, elbows on knees, chin resting in hands laced into each other. He looked up through his eyebrows at Sarah, thinking 'There's too much variability I need her to narrow it down'. Noticing, she prompted him "yes?". After a moment's, he shook his head, gave her a half-hearted grin, and went back to staring at the two options 'This is a test of sorts; If I ask her I've failed'.

. . .

Without checking, he continued to assume, quietly torturing himself 'Does that matter? I guess it's fine unless. . I lose the free lunch by asking? Maybe that counts as giving up. What if by asking the wrong question I lose? What if the lunch is cancelled altogether! No, she'd only have reason to do that if. . .She takes offense to me not being able to get this! What if she worked really hard coming up with this, believed I could handle it, and I let her down in my failure! She might stop counseling me! I have to keep trying.'

'A healthy option or a treat? I like treats- Obviously, stupid. I'd probably really enjoy it. . but at what cost? It's bad for me, in the long run I'd suffer. does instantaneous joy outweigh the prolonged suffering of health issues later? Maybe there's a balance. . but in that balance, where does this lunch stand?' Frustration was beginning to mound, but he wanted to succeed so he ignored it and kept pushing.

'Healthy food is good for me. Of course not if I've already eaten the right amount of food, then more is just more.. but then how much healthy food matches the calories of the sweets? Why can't I have sweets every now and then? even Olympic athletes have treats occasionally. Surely they must occasionally have a chocolate or a beer.'

. . .

'They only limit themselves because of their careers; I'm not setting any records, why can't I enjoy myself? Is it worth living longer if you do so by denying yourself enjoyment throughout your life? Oh, but then again you can't just entirely commit to that lifestyle, it detriments others I can't just take what I want, do what I want all the time. . . but then one could say by not achieving my greatest, my most optimal, I do less to contribute to society, and detriment others. . Why is that relevant again? OH fuck me WHY can't I DO THIS' he didn't show it outwardly yet, but Daniel's ability to control his frustration had already broken; the only reason he was not yelling out loud is because his conversation was internal.

. . .

'I'm not even talking about which one I want anymore. The one I want, or the one that is best? Now I'm just circling; do I want health? Happiness? Will I be happier with the satisfaction of picking a healthy option, or instant gratification? What's best? Most value? My health? my enjoyment? I want to have the presence of mind to not eat sweets every time I am tempted, so I should choose healthy if I want the sweets because I want discipline... but then am I denying myself joy? If I pick the sweets am I denying myself discipline, longevity? I want to enjoy my time more than I want an abundance of time, but then am I denying myself-'

Sarah felt it had been long enough and broke her silence "Daniel if you're having trouble deciding I could-"

"IT'S IMPOSSIBLE" he screamed "HOW IS ANYONE MEANT TO DECIDE IT'S RIDICULOUS HOW SHOULD I KNOW WHAT'S BEST" and started ranting in broken, illogical manner all of the thoughts he had been thinking, wildly gesticulating, struggling for breath between long, loud and unbroken streams of words. He was red in the face, shaking as he got to "It's ABSURD, AND INSULTING, AND IM SICK OF LOOKING AT THEM" and with one last, final sweep of his arm sent both choices careening out of sight.

They lapsed once again into a sort of silence, broken only by the steady heaving of Daniel's breath, chest rising and falling sharply; Daniel also noticed the ticking of the clock seemed more pronounced now than before. After a while he managed to calm himself down, and ashamedly took in what had just happened:

The apple was nowhere in sight- its' chopping board took a carafe of water with it off the table, breaking it. The chocolate cake slice was also on the ground, under its wooden board, smushed into the carpet next to the pile of broken glass and water. He looked up at Sarah; she was a little pulled back in her chair, a little wider-eyed, but otherwise exactly as she was when he had started. He found it hard to look at her and averted his gaze.

"It's okay Daniel. Just take a few deep breaths for me okay? It's not a big deal, let's just take a moment and when you feel ready, we'll take a look at what happened."

"I uh- . . .I'm sorry. . .

"That's quite alright"

"I didn't mean to-"

"It's fine Daniel, not a worry at all. We can try again next week if you like. Now that journal we were talking about, did you bring it with you?"

This interaction had only taken 25 minutes, so the two spent the remaining time going over entries in his journal, seeing if they could trace back to the source of these emotional outbursts. It would be many years before Daniel was capable of committing to the smallest of decisions unassisted.