Mindless; Chapter 18

I pick at the food on my plate, eyes flickering towards Eren every now and then. He sits across from me at the table, but he hasn't stopped staring into space since I started picking at my food. He hasn’t said much either.

I remember blacking out, but nothing after that. I had woken up in my room as if nothing had happened. No one had said if I had done anything, but with how they were acting, it was hard to think I hadn't done anything. The fact they won’t say anything is what worries me. If nothing serious had happened, why not just say so?

"Eren," I regret calling his attention to me the second his eyes stop on me; they’re not wary, but there’s no mistaking the careful way they study in assessment. My eyes fall to the table. "After I blacked out, did I. . . Did I hurt anyone?"

Eren is silent. I risk letting my eyes come up to his. His mouth is set in a hard line, eyes lost in hard consideration, looking through me instead of at me. The silence is broken by Eren cursing, running a hand through his hair as his eyes shut for a moment. "Gwen, listen to me." Eren reaches across the table, taking one of my hands. "No matter what anyone tells you: it wasn't you. It's not your fault. Whatever they did to you at the facility, they created Vitani. Vitani is not you. You can't blame yourself for anything she does."

I swear the darkness is laughing at his words as my mind struggles to make sense of them. "What?"

"You seem to have multiple-personality disorder," Eren and I both jump at Dr. Airaway's voice. We both turn to face her as she walks across the room towards us, "And a rather strange one at that." Dr. Airaway sits down at the third chair and smiles gently at me. "How are you feeling, Gwen?"

I shrug. "Okay, I guess."

"I'm glad to hear that." She takes a deep breath, sighing, before offering me a regretful smile. "Gwen, I need to ask you some questions."

"About what happened yesterday?"

"Yes and no. They had me review the tape, so while some of these stem from what happened, they aren't necessarily about what happened."

I nod despite my growing unease. "Okay." The darkness coils in the back of my mind, most likely preparing to do what it can to lash out at whatever she’s about to ask.

"Are you aware of the fact that this alternate personality has a name?"

I blink in surprise, looking at Eren. Was that part of what he was talking about? "Vitani?"

Eren nods, "She said her name was Vitani."

"Vitani proved she is aware of everything happening when you're in control," Dr. Airaway says, drawing my attention back to her. "Do you have any memory whatsoever of a time during a blackout where you were aware of what was happening? Or perhaps an odd memory of yourself doing something that wasn't your doing?"

I sit, thinking as far back as I can. Slowly, I shake my head. "No."

Dr. Airaway studies me for a moment in consideration. "Vitani said that you were aware of her. She also made it clear that she always has some control, even when you're in control. Are you aware of Vitani's presence?”

My impulse is to say no, but I can't. Could Vitani be the constant darkness lurking at the back of my mind? Dr. Airaway said that Vitani had some control outside of the blackouts. Could it be Vitani?

The darkness had shut me up- kept me from speaking during the meeting. How many times had the darkness given me instructions contrary to what I thought? How many times had it thought in opposition to my own thoughts?

Alarmed, I reach towards the back of my mind, but the coil is gone. I can feel it now arching over my mind. It's not threatening this time though, it's calming, protective even. Wasn't it always just trying to protect me though? Surely the darkness couldn't be Vitani. My consciousness brushes against the darkness, testing it.

Are you sure you want to test me? A voice whispers back.

My consciousness pulls away from the darkness- from Vitani- as I lurch to my feet, chair clattering to the ground. My heart races as my mind reels. "She's in my head," I whisper, looking up at Dr. Airaway.

Dr. Airaway stares at me in pity. A second later, she's on her feet, wrapping me in a hug. I melt into her hug as Vitani recoils back.

"I'm so sorry," Dr. Airaway whispers. "I'm so, so sorry."