Mark
A Story Every Day in 2024 Oct 18th 292/366
It was made up of peaks and troughs, his life. But mainly troughs. Like the ones used to feed pigs: messy; giving off a stink. He wondered what it would have been like if he'd been born to someone else, but then, he supposed then he wouldn't be him. Mark wasn't a deep thinker but he recognised thinking about what could have been didn't do any good.
Didn't stop him doing it though.
And it was the "what ifs" that sent him on that spiral into dark places which he struggled to come back from. Who was he kidding? He was always in darkness; just sometimes it was a lighter shade of black than others.
The biggest "what if" though was "What if you hadn't pushed Laney that day?" This was the one that was like a hand, keeping him under. He laughed to himself at this analogy. Appropriate considering... Instantly, he felt guilty for laughing and tears filled his eyes. He gulped them back.
Laney. He looks back and keeps telling himself that he was just a kid. Just a kid! Had he meant to hurt that day? If he looked into the recesses of his heart where the truth lay brooding, he would see that the answer was "Yes". And so, it was a fait accompli. But, if he asked himself the question, "Did I want to kill her that day?", the answer would be an emphatic "No". Teach her a lesson? Take the smile off her face? Punish her for being so fucking great all of the time? Transfer some of his hurt to someone else? If those were the questions, then yes, he would hold his hands up to those no matter how much they pinched him to admit. He could live with the discomfort that they gave him in his core. He could manage those emotions.
But he couldn't manage knowing that his actions that day killed someone he loved.
It was like a cancer that wouldn't relent. You fought and fought through unbearable pain until it felt like it was conquered.
But no. Always there. Lurking.
The only thing to do was kill it.
And so, that's what he did.
***
366 words
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Comments (14)
Poor Mark. I wonder if he told the truth, gotten counseling, but no, his story would never have a happy ending. His father set that in motion from the start. I loved this line: "He was always in darkness; just sometimes it was a lighter shade of black than others." What a great description of depression.
Sad so devestatingly sad. I've written, obviously, about past regrets mistakes, missteps, minor and great and this is perfectly intune with that great overwhelming sense of hopelessness it can feel like. I mean I've never accidentally killed someone, but still, remove the seriousness of that, and the emotions on a lot of levels are still the same. This just punches the gut, unrelentlessly and it's more beautiful for it. This is what life is like and what being human is like. Mark is flawed, and did a bad thing...like we all do. Mark is a product of his upbringing...like so many flawed people who do crappy things. It's not a complete get out of jail free card, but it is a reason. Such brilliant writing, Rachel!
A sad end for a sad character. Sorry to be commenting on your story so late, but I've been out of town. Great final bit of weaving with Laney's tale.
Ditto Donna’s comment… I’ve fallen behind & need to catch up 😳.
Heartbreaking.... poor Mark. I always struggle to watch/ see people pay for things they did as a child because often these choices were made out of innocence.... So sad, this whole thing!!
This exploration of Mark’s character is really excellent. The progression through the yes or no questions was a brilliant touch
So tragic! So difficult to see any pathway to peace. Amazing writing, Rachel.
Poor Mark, he was just an abused kid. If only he had a way of working through his guilt. Great unraveling of the story, Rachel!
The thrill of the kill coming...?
Gosh this was absolutely heartbreaking. I don’t think there’s ever an excuse for a kid to feel like this. Poor Mark - if his dad hadn’t been such a bully. You are so good at letting the reader get into the character’s head. Awesome writing.
Excellent dive into Mark's head. And to wrap it up with "The only thing to do was kill it." Perfect.
Powerful stuff, Rachel, how one act caught up in the moment can have such a tragic outcome.
Lol, that was a twisted analogy. Also, poor Mark. I wish I could hug him. But it's too late 😭😭😭😭
I love how you explore emotions....raw and deep.