Mama’s Thoughts

Hey honey, I’d thought I’d pay you a visit. It’s a beautiful day isn’t it? I remember a cool breeze & the sun shining was all you needed to be stuck outside all day.

You were so connected to nature in a way I couldn’t understand at the time. The way you would cry when I would kill the smallest bug. For the life of me I couldn’t understand why you loved going outside barefoot. You could just sit out in the backyard with your favorite red cotton sheet under the lemon tree for hours and just talk to the bees and dance trees and be perfectly content.

One of my favorite memories of you were when you got your first hula hoop. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was yellow with glittery bumble bee stickers on there and when you scratched it, it held the scent of fresh flowers. The way those big brown eyes of yours lit up when you seen it. You were so excited that from sun up to sun down all I heard were the beads of the hula hoop swing. So, I’d watch you from the kitchen window as you swayed with the trees in the springs breeze again, content.

Can I be transparent with you for a moment? Through the years it didn’t dawn on me that you pushed me away and kept certain moments in your life away from me. Until the day we had lunch at the park with Lilly and Bee. I could never forget it. The park smelled of fresh cut grass and laughter filled the air as the children played tag under the summer sun. As usual we were looking at Bee dance. Her dances are usually fast paced because she loved to dance with the bees. Except on this day her dance was different. It was slow and elegant. With her eyes closed her polka dot dress swayed with the summer the breeze. She was lost in her dance.

“Bee what dance is that?” I asked

She paused “I’m dancing like a princess” she said

“Like Belle?”

“Noo, like mommy and Nadia. We went to put on dresses today and she looked like a Princess! It was big, white and sparkly like glitter. She said I could be a princess too so I’m practicing her ball”

In that moment I felt time stop. I didn’t feel the summer breeze against my skin anymore, the birds stopped chirping. Everything was just quiet. Nothing but rage and resentment filled my heart that day. In my eyes you took a moment away I would never get to have with you again. A mother always looks forward to when her child try’s on dresses or suits and crying her eyes out because they look so stunning and happy. Finding out you got engaged that way really hurt me. Looking back now I regret it, all of it. Not showing up to birthdays, holidays and vacations. Not picking up your calls...I’m so sorry, the moments I was just sitting in my bitterness I could’ve spent with you but I know I can never get that time back.

But it all made sense after a while. When you were a kid I wasn’t the best mom I could’ve been. I was controlling. I didn’t let you breathe. And truth be told, I was scared. The older you got the more you didn’t need me. The more I thought you’d leave me. So, as long as I could I kept you to myself. I was too selfish to see that I wasn’t doing anything but pushing you away from me as you grew older. As tears filled my eyes I whisper “I’m so sorry baby girl, I’m so sorry” I cried. I miss my sweet girl so much, I’d do anything to hearing your laugh and to feel you falling asleep on my leg while I twist your hair. But, that’s not how life works. You’ve been gone for 5 years on this day and everyday I regret missing so many parts of your life. Thank you for still loving me, even when I was being difficult, I didn’t deserve you.

I gave bee your hula hoop. The yellow one with the glitter bumble bee stickers. I put some new ones on there because the old ones were peeling. I wanted to wait until she was old enough. The way she lit up you would’ve loved it, it reminded me of you. Bee hugged me tight, if not tighter than you did. Her hug filled my heart with so much joy.

I love you my sweet girl, trying to right my wrongs while being sick myself. The only comfort I have in that is, is that I get to see you. Everyday I sit in the backyard barefoot under the lemon tree and just enjoy the breeze how you did. The sun kissing my skin with the grass beneath my feet.

In that moment she laid back Into the shade of the lemon tree with her hands behind her head, the wind became still, the birds stopped chirping. She opened her eyes hearing only the faintest buzzing. She looked down to seeing a bee resting on the left side of her red cotton sheet. Overwhelmed with excitement her eyes swelling with tears. With the biggest smile on her face with tears falling from her eyes she said “Hey my sweet girl”.