Life Therapy

My name is Dr. Jones. Dr. Bryson Jones, but you can call me Bear Hug. Not because I give bear hugs, but because I make offers to people that are so good, it’s actually illegal to refuse the offer because me and my investors can sue you, a refusal being bad for business and all.

I know what you’re thinking. If I’m so good at Bear Hugging people, how do you know I won’t do the same to you. You don’t. But you’re just going to have to trust me. Who else are you going to trust in this crazy, messed up world? I’m not crazy, I’m a doctor, after all. And I’d never bear hug a patient, I promise! Ignore my larger than life smile and just trust me!

I have some questions for you. Maybe I can help you, maybe not. But I’m definitely sure your life will change either way. So let’s hope it’s for the better. Let’s see where our session takes us today. Let me into your noggin so I can do some digging!

Anyway, all that being said, welcome to another day in paradise, or is it purgatory? How's your soul faring today?

Hey there, I see you fell asleep. It’s your money, yes, but I can only help you if you stay awake for our session. You look curious to know a little bit more about me. How am I, you’re wondering?As far as me, I’m still kickin' and screamin' on this side of the grave, how 'bout you?" 😱💀🤣 We are here for you, after all. You’re the precious client. Smile for me. Smile good. Smile long! Smile big or get the hell out of my office!

The veil between life and death is thin today, and yet here we are. How doth the day treat thee? And yes, I need to know. How your day treats you is going to make you happy or blue. Then I know if I have to whack you with my therapeutic shoe.

Why, yes, my day is going whimsically well, thank you for asking. Good day to you, too, kind sir! It’s rare a client comes along like you, who also cares about his therapists. It's a wild ride out there, but we're still holding on. How's your grip today? I have a tennis ball in my pants, if you’d like to play.

Yes, music is good. I'm shakin' my bones and rattling my soul to the tune of life. Tell me about your strife!

I'm twistin' and twirlin' in the grip of the grim reaper's bony hand, but the beat goes on! I’m dying for us to have an emotional bond!

Oh, you tire of me? Good, I love your boredom and absorb your essence and return it to you anew! You now feel refreshed, alive and joyous! The melting poop of your agony washes away in the wind and into the ocean, carried away by a carrion pigeon and the falcon of life.

I hope todays session has helped you feel better. If not, you can always come back for another session. Just call me, Dr. Jones. A.K.A Bear Hug.

Day two:

You’re back! I get another therapy whack!

I see you brought food. That’s not good though, it’s looks nasty, old and lewd.

Throw that out and instead inhale the beauty of existence and cast off the burdensome shackles of strife. Put aside your disgusting and mundane culinary cuisine, and instead revel in the splendor of my own personal gastronomic delights expertly crafted by my renowned personal five star chef. Let us dine in opulence and toast to the joys of life.

It is with utmost delight that I observe your much-improved state of mind. That was mostly my doing, so you’re welcome. The need for a loyal Irish Setter therapy dog has been expelled, for now, but you can still get one later, if you like. I express immense pride in your willingness to heed my counsel, thereby elevating the quality of your life. Stand tall and confident, for you have earned this achievement. Remember always to stride with dignity and speak with conviction

Kind regards,

Dr. B.J.