Life Skills

It was only a couple of hours into the dinner party, and Rebecca already knew that this one had been a terrible idea. Alex, Caitlyn and Jed were friends from university, and they hadn’t seen each other for a while. Rebecca had already lost count of the amount of times that the phrase ‘can you even remember when we were all in the same place at the same time?’ had been uttered. It was longer than any of them could guess.

Rebecca thought that time and age had not been kind to their personalities. At university, Caitlyn had been intelligent and confident. Ten years in the medical world had left her cold and detached. Alex had been funny and kind, now reticent and self-deprecating. Jed’s superiority complex, however, appeared unchanged, which was not particularly useful. He had conducted at least half of the conversation, which had mostly been about times he had succeeded at work. It was hard to stifle a yawn.

'I have an interesting game,’ said Rebecca, as the conversation lulled.

'Oh yes?’ said Jed, as his wine sloshed against the side of his glass.

'Well it’s more of a thought experiment. We all go round and say who would have the most useful life skills in the event of a global apocalypse.’ Rebecca stroked the heart-shaped locket around her neck, half tempted to open the latch, anything to put a stop to the inane chatter she was certain was coming.

Jed rolled his eyes, ‘no thanks.’

'Hear me out. Imagine that the world is ending, the skies have gone dark, society is collapsing, humans are turning on each other, there is no electricity or running water... how useful would you be in that situation?’

'At repopulating the earth? Excellent I’d imagine.’

'No. I mean, what skills would you bring to a post apocalyptic society?’

Jed looked at Caitlyn, Alex picked up his drink and took a sip.

'I’m a doctor,’ said Caitlyn.

'Of course,’ said Jed, ‘We could hardly get through a day at uni without you reminding us that you were going to be saving lives.’

'I wasn’t that bad! But seriously, I would be excellent in an apocalypse, I could treat people, help them, cure their ailments. And I expect there would be a lot of ailments in the apocalypse.’

'Can’t argue with that,’ said Jed.

'I could help create a financially stable society after the event,’ said Alex.

'We are going to have no use whatsoever for accountants!’ said Jed.

'Well I don’t suppose there would be a whole lot of use for lawyers either in that case.’

'I disagree. We are going to need law and structure a long time before we would need money. People will be running riot and panicking! I’ll be able to tell them what’s what.’

'I think we will need things like medicine and farming a long time before we’d need laws,’ Alex’s eyes flashed.

'Oh, like you know anything about farming.’

'I know more about farming than you do! I used to spend every summer on my uncle’s farm. I picked the eggs, grew the crops, and I helped birth calves.’

'Sounds idyllic. Nearly as useful as being able to play the guitar.’

'Well maybe music will be what people need,’ said Caitlyn, ‘You know, once I’ve cured them of their apocalyptic injuries.’

'Grand then. We will all be useful. You can cure people, I can set up the new world order and Alex can count his beans.’

Jed took a sip of his drink. Alex motioned to check his phone. Caitlyn rolled her eyes at Rebecca and shrugged.

After a moment, Rebecca spoke; ‘Phase two of the thought experiment is putting this into action. Hypothetically of course,’ she reached for her locket again, opened it and pressed the left hand side.

Caitlyn’s phone beeped.

'Breaking news alert,’ she said, ‘it’s warning us not to go outside.’

Jed and Alex’s phones beeped too.

'Same.’

The three looked at each other, then turned slowly to the window behind them as the air raid sirens began to wail.

'What’s happening?’

Rebecca turned on the television. The news reporter urged calm while the ticker proclaimed that the world was ending.

The friends looked at each other as the sky darkened over, sirens whirled, the earth shook and screams were heard outside.

'What do we do?’ Jed spoke eventually.

'I don’t know,’ said Caitlyn.

'I... I didn’t really birth a calf,’ said Alex, ‘I my uncle do it once and it was disgusting. I also don’t really know anything about growing crops. I hated getting my hands dirty. And I’m a terrible accountant.’

'I teach medicine, I don’t actually practice it,’ Caitlyn interrupted, ‘I couldn’t stand it, but didn’t want to waste my degree, so I teach it. I don’t think I would really be able to cure anyone.’

They both looked at Jed.

'I said that my skills would come in after the event,’ he said, ‘I can help set up a new society. I can’t help with this part.’

'But you said that you would stop people running riot and panicking!’

'Yeah well, I say a lot of stuff.’

'Wait,’ said Alex carefully, a look of terror flowing over his face as he pointed at Rebecca, ‘Who are you? You didn’t go to university with us.’

Rebecca sighed, opened her locket and pressed the right side to end the simulation and watch the world collapse in on itself.

***

Rebecca opened her eyes as the bright sterile room came slowly into focus. Waking from the simulation was like surfacing from a pool of mud. She stretched out carefully, then leaned over to the computer at the desk in front of her and spoke into the microphone.

'Test simulation 243 was unsuccessful. Remove candidates Caitlyn Smith, Alexander Adamos and Gerard Flynn from cryo.’

'No luck with mine either,’ Orion called from the next booth, surfacing from his own test simulation.

'Don’t bother trying the dinner party simulation. People turn into self-indulgent arseholes when they have a drink in them. Even in a simulation.’

Orion laughed, ‘The rate we are going through the candidates in cryo, we are never going to be able to reinstate society on the surface. Might as well get used to living underground. I always knew that humanity was going to turn into potatoes.’

'I think that maybe we deserve it,’ said Rebecca.