Learn To Live Again

On Friday night, I lay in my bed like I do in any other night as well and blankly stare at the ceiling, my body in my room but my thoughts with my older brother, Shawn, who has died a few months ago. In a world where this didn't happen, where his stupid girlfriend Larissa that I've never liked from the beginning anyway wouldn't have sat herself behind that steering wheel while being drunk as hell, I'd probably be out with him and his friends right now. I can still see the two of us sitting in that bar he has always loved so much and showed me right when I turned 21, him teasing me because I've always been too scared to drink alcohol. Every night when I go to bed now I see us sitting there, sipping at our drinks while his immature friends from school would dance ridiculously, all the women around us cringing as they'd look at them. Shawn would always shake his head at them then, as if he had absolutely no idea who they were. Then he would grin at me and I would start laughing, thankful for him taking me out with his friends instead of cutting me out like I've heard lots of other older brothers tend to do. Especially if their younger brothers are someone like me, a weird loner who is scared of everything. If it wasn't for Shawn, I'm sure I would never have had any kind of social life. Making friends is not really a talent of mine. And now that he's not there anymore, all I do is exactly what I figure I would have done all the time if Shawn would have never existed: sitting in my room, studying, reading or drawing, watch some fantasy movies and then go to bed early. Not too exciting. My therapist Dr. Cooper always tries to convince me that I needed to go out and do something especially in a time like this, so that I don't rust in as he calls it. Of course I know he is right. That man knows me since I have been eleven years old, and he has helped incredibly much since then. If it wasn't for him, I'm not sure if I would have ever been able to walk into that bar behind my brother. But Dr. Cooper knew it was good for me before I knew it myself, and not much later I loved that place like no other. Now, however, I'm too scared to take his advice. No matter how afraid I was every time I needed to try something new, at least I knew that Shawn was there, having my back. Now that he isn't, there are even days where I walk to university because it becomes too overwhelming for me to take the bus. Or days where I don't even go to university at all. Things that I could do without a problem when Shawn was around are now challenging. Things that used to be hard even before he died are now impossible. And I'm not sure whether that will ever change again.

I flinch when there's an undefinable noise at my window, sounding kinda like a knock but a little different, somehow sharper. What the hell was that? For a while I stay absolutely still in my bed, trying to figure out whether I just hallucinated that. It's not like that'd be something new. Right after the accident happened, I could have sworn I heard Shawn knocking at my door at night several times, to come in and tell me it was all just a bad dream. But that doesn't sound like Shawn at all. And right before I conclude that it was nothing, the sound starts again, now even louder than before. It almost sounds like somebody would try to break my window with something sharp. Could that be a burglar? My heart starts to race like mad as soon as this vague idea turns itself into a realistic possibility and I feel panic raising up inside me. “Breath, Mike”, I hear Dr. Coopers words in my head. No. I can't calm down without knowing where that noise is coming from. So I get up and silently tip toe to my window, the thick black curtain I'm coming closer to being the only thing that still keeps me from seeing what causes these eerie sounds. With my hands sweaty from the hot and think summer air in my room, that my parent's did bother to equip with an air conditioner like they did in theirs, I slowly push away the curtain and stare right into a pair of black eyes, surrounded by a round white face illuminated by a nearby street light. It's an owl!

Not daring to move, I stare at the bird and it stares back at me forcefully, looking as surprised to see me as I am surprised to see it. I used to be really scared of owls... or birds in general... or basically every other animal as well. But right now, standing there at the window and looking right into that white face, I can't even understand how that little bird once scared me that much. Not a lot things in life seem scary anymore after the one thing you've always been most scared of has already happened. And looking at it without fear, that owl doesn't seem scary at all. It rather looks trustworthy, and almost like it was trying to tell me something. And so even though a few months ago I would never have considered that possible in a million years, I finally open the window and reach my arm out to the owl. A pleasantly cold breeze blows into my room now, but that's all that happens. The owl stays exactly like before, staring at me even more insistently. It doesn't wanna come to me, it wants me to come with it! Wait, am I really considering to just follow an owl into the night? I take one more look at my now empty bed, imagining myself lying in it all night without getting any sleep. I can't really admit it yet, but right now, going with that owl seems much more tempting than another sleepless night in a row. And thinking about seeing Dr. Cooper in a few days, I know he'll be more content with me walking around in the middle of the night while following a random owl than with me not going out at all. So why not?

A few minutes later, I find myself standing under the cool summer night sky, my key in the one pocket and my phone in the other. Soon after silently closing our front door behind me, I attentively scan the area for the owl while feeling like a complete maniac. Ignoring the voices in my head that scream: “You can't do that!” over and over again, I find it sitting in the tree that stands right next to my window, staring down at me from up there in a way like it would say: “Can we finally go now?” So I walk towards the tree, and right before I reach it, the owl soars in the air and slowly flies down the road. And so I just follow, not even thinking about it any longer.

The further I leave my home behind me, the more fear comes creeping inside my body. But while all my life I tried very hard to push that feeling away, as I was so ashamed of always being scared no matter what for, I now rather embrace it as it's just so relieving sensing anything else than grief again. Walking around following an owl like a crazy bird dude might not be the greatest adventure of all time, but it's a beginning. That's what counts, right?

The fear inside me gets even bigger when the owl directs me into that little park I've avoided since I was like in fifth grade. The reason for that is that there's a little creek inside it, and that's where all the cool kids hang out at night and drink alcohol and smoke and all that stuff I'm just not made for. I'm sure they are there as well now. “I can't go in there!”, I think. “This is too ridiculous.” So I look up at the owl, who is already waiting for me on the top of a dimly glowing streetlight. I know I'm probably just imagining it, but right now it feels like its eyes would pierce right through me. And in that moment, no matter how stupid that sounds, turning around despite the owls demands seems even more scary than walking inside that park. So I give in and reluctantly follow the little gravel path that leads more and more away from the illuminated street, the sky above me getting much darker as soon as I'm covered by treetop after treetop.

Not even a few minutes later, distant laughter and voices that are getting louder and louder with every step I take start filling my ear, and my heart starts to race as if it would be coupled to my hearing. If I needed to make a list of all the things I'm scared of, groups of people my age are very very high on that ranking. What in the world is wrong with me that makes me face one of my biggest fears just because some random barn owl wants me to do so? But it's too late to back down now. So I keep walking further and further towards the voices, until I can even understand what they are saying. “Man, Dr. Wilson is totally messing with us here, my opinion! As if anyone knew stuff like that!” I need to grin. They are talking about difficult stuff at university, probably questions in a test or something like that. A topic that I can actually relate to! “If it wouldn't be for that nights, I'm not sure I could get through this!”, a boy with messy, blond hair now states and I feel a sharp pain in my chest. I wish my reason for getting through life despite all its difficulties would still be there, too.

Suddenly, I hear a loud crack and freeze in my position, painfully realizing that I've just stepped on a twig. Like in slow motion, about ten heads are simultaneously turning in my direction. Within fractions of a second, warmth spreads in my face that was so cold a few moments ago. “Oh, hi!” the blonde guy says in a way that I can't tell is rather friendly or deriding. “Uhm...hi” I answer back, trying so hard not to stammer. Then I just stare at him and he stares back in the same, vacuous way.

Like that, we stay there for an awkwardly long while before I finally realize he's probably expecting an explanation for why I've invaded their privacy. “I was just...” I say, desperately staring up at the owl that has meanwhile sat down in another tree. If it was my brother who would have brought me here instead, I'm sure he could have thought of the smartest thing to say without even wracking his brain on it. It would just come to him, and I could profit from it like I've always done. But of course, an owl can't do that job for me. Now, I'm all on my own. “I was just... taking a walk” I finish my sentence as that's the best thing I can spontaneously think of. “Alone? In the middle of the night?”, the guy asks and raises his eyebrows at me, all his friends grinning in amusement behind him. God, I feel so embarrassed! “I know it's weird” I admit as there's just no way of not looking like an absolute idiot anymore now, right about to turn around again and go back to my bed. What a stupid idea to walk into that park just like that! But then, the guy's voice holds me back. “No no, it's cool” he says. Wait, what? Did this guy really just refer to me as cool?

“What's you're name?”, he wants to know as I turn around again, still doing absolutely nothing but incredulously staring back at him. “Mike”, I say without emotion as I don't really know which emotion to have right now. I'm not prepared for a situation like this. Things like that don't happen to people like me. But then again, I also would have though that people like me would never dare to leave their home at night, so what do I know? “Well, Mike, feel like giving your walk a little pause and having a beer with us?” “I don't drink” I say immediately, figuring that this is the most effective way to make him no longer wanting to hang out with me, why ever he would even want that in the first place. “Maybe just a coke then?” What the hell happened to the cool kinds in our town. Did they get... alright? Still, all I do is stare back at him. I can't just say no and turn around now. There a too many signs that I can no longer ignore. So finally, I hear myself saying: “Why not” and walk towards that guy while constantly thinking: “This can't happen. This is just not me!” But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this is me. I didn't know it before, but the good feeling that spreads inside my stomach now needs to come from somewhere, right?

I'm sitting here in the grass for a whole while now. No one beside the blonde guy that has introduced himself as Liam really talks to me, but no one seems to mind my presence either. “So, you walk around town every Friday night?”, Liam asks with a cheeky grin. “No”, I say and need to laugh despite myself. I feel a little bit shown up, but not in a disrespectful way. Not like the boys in school did back then, but rather just like he wanted to joke around a bit. I'm glad I'm finally able to recognize the difference. “So what do you do then?” Hmm. I need to think about that question for a while. What do I do? Nothing worth mentioning, that's for sure. “I draw sometimes” I state finally, realizing I'm not really selling well. Good thing Liam does that for me. “That's cool!” he says, his eyes glowing in a way that makes me know he's serious. So for a while I feel fully accepted the way I am, which doesn't happen very often. That condition however only lasts a few seconds, before Liam goes on asking: “You never go out usually?” “Well... I used to” I admit, my heart racing faster with it. I hope he doesn't ask why as I'm so attracted by his caring nature that even though I know I probably shouldn't, I might just tell him about my brother if he asked me. But instead, he asks why I decided to go today if I'm not doing it anymore. “Uhm...”, I start. No, not that stammering again, please! “I don't know” I finally lie. I don't wanna destroy that beautiful atmosphere by telling him the reason for why I went out tonight is an owl. He would probably consider me crazy and send me away again, and then I'd be in my bed and not here. But I don't want that to happen. Even though it's cold out here, I'm surrounded by the penetrating smell of alcohol that I've always hated and also currently talking to a stranger in the middle of a dark park at night, I really don't wanna go home.

“Well, if that might be you're only night out”, Liam states now, “we need to do something special.” Once again, I'm staring at him. Staring seems to be my thing when incredulous things are happening to me. “You ever drove around in a boat?”, he asks me now. “No”, I laugh. “Too scared of someone pushing me inside the water”, I think. “Well then we definetely need to change that!” By now, I don't even try to grasp what's going on anymore. Too many different thoughs and questions would float my brain if I did so, and right now I really don't want that. All I do want is for once not thinking about anything at all, which is exactly what I am going to do now.

More twigs are cracking under our feet as I follow Liam to the bank of the creek, where a dark wooden boat with two rotten oars lying in it seems to be waiting for us. “That thing is safe?” I ask, now being the one raising his eyebrows. “It was for five years now”, Liam laughs as he pushes the boat onto the surface of the water. I automatically take a step forward as well, staring at my reflection in the creek while Liam starts to unwrap the rope that connects the boat to a little wooden stake that was stuck into the earth. No sane person would ever go into that boat with a stranger, that's for sure. The odds that he's going to kidnap or even murder me as soon as we're just among the two of us are not that low, I guess. But if not experiencing an adventure tonight, when else? I'm sure Shawn would have come with him, too. And since he's not here anymore, all I wanna be is like Shawn. So I take another step forward and then put one foot inside the boat, knowing that I won't turn around again.

When we're drifting slowly across the water a few moments later, driven by the weak current of the creek, I look thoughtfully into the clear starry sky above us, wondering if Shawn is somewhere up there right now. “How come you don't go out anymore?” Liam asks me now, as if he could read my toughs that moment. By now, no matter how weird that might be, I just feel too close to him not to tell him. “My brother would always take me” I therefore state, staring right past him as I add: “He died almost three months ago.” “I'm sorry to hear that!” Liam says, his voice suddenly sounding a lot less cheerful than before. Then no one of us says a word, and yet I feel so connected to him as I haven't felt to anyone else for a long long time. Looking back at where we started the boat seemingly hours ago even though I guess it wasn't even five minutes in reality, I suddenly see how the barn owl rises from its tree, spreads its wings and flies away. Its plain white feathers fill the otherwise so endless-seeming night sky with liveliness. If freedom was a picture, this is what I'd be imagining it. Its surprisingly expansive wings carrying it through the air like that'd be the most effortless thing in the whole world, the owl looks nothing but free in that moment. And that's when I realize that if I ever wanna be happy again in a world in which my brother does no longer exist, spreading my wings and flying away from that branch I used to sit on all my life is exactly what I need to do, too.