Isolation

14 March 2020

I was standing at the kitchen island when I got the text.

Vivian: So sorry but it's happening, the virus got me. You’re all gonna have to self isolate. See you on the other side guys. Xx

Shit just got real.

It was a group chat of the girls from the office. All the messages previously were planning a meal out to celebrate our first year together.

Me: Oh no! Poor you! How are you feeling? Do you need any shopping dropping off?xxxxx

Joanne: I knew it! I told you this was coming! Welcome to the end of the world girls, it's been nice knowing ya! ;-)

Vivian: I thought I was just hungover but my temperature shot right up and I thought I'd better get tested.

Joanne: Yeah those raspberry mojitos made me feel like I was dying too…

Me: Are you ok though? Do you have a cough? Is someone looking after you? Xxxxx

Vivian: Don’t worry about me, I'll just hunker down for a few days. Max has left a tea tray at the door for me and I can still do my work from my bed!

Joanne: You’ve got this hun! You’re gonna kick corona up the arse!

Me: You’re so brave! You can do this! We love you! xxxxx

Vivian: Thanks girls. <3 Max is gonna stay at his place tonight but at least I've got our chats to keep me going. Xx

Joanne: Unless you’ve killed us all off with your corona germs! :p

Vivian: I am so sorry! :’( Me and my group hugs! Seriously though you should all find somewhere to isolate.

Joanne: I'm joking obviously we still love you! And don’t worry about us, we're hard as nails we are!

Me: I love you all, take care girls! Xxxxx

I put my phone down on the island and began to flap, my hands shot up to rub my face then I remembered we aren't supposed to touch our faces and did a little spin instead not knowing what to do with myself. I glanced at the shopping bags I'd just plonked down, were they contaminated? I quickly tied them up and hid them in the back of the pantry. I'd barely found anything in the shops anyway and I'd only gone in on the off chance they had any toilet paper.

I paced backwards and forwards around the kitchen, my mind feeling like my internet browser with too many tabs open. So aware of my breathing. Quick shallow pants, every one pumping out a deadly virus into my family home. I needed to get out and hide. I opened every window and sprayed the air liberally with anti-bacterial air freshener. Then I practically ran out the door to the back yard.

Spring had finally sprung around our farm house. Not an actual farm, I’m no farmer. It was an old house we bought a few years ago to renovate, my pride and joy. Oh I like to pretend I’m all middle class, breezing through life, instagram icon with my beautiful rafters and abundance of houseplants but inside I'm secretly thrilled with how my life is going. I hate to say I feel a boastful spite, everytime I receive an envious comment on one of my pictures.

I stood in the courtyard, filled with planters, the pansies and crocuses waving in the breeze, begging for another shot at social media stardom before they withered. I tried to steady my breathing in the fresh air. My heart thumped and I felt dizzy as I took long deep gulps, not feeling free to push them back out yet. I sat on an old wooden bench, careful to keep my hands folded in my lap. How long could I stay out here? I felt like a fugitive.

Restless, I wandered out past the cobbled walls into the meadow surrounding our house. Acres of room to breathe. Maybe I could just hang out here until somebody tells me what the hell to do! Then I saw the barn. The old stone wall lead to an old stone building, looming all knobbly and grey out of the green grass and daisies. The idea solidified in my mind. It was perfect.

I raced back to the house, zipping my windproof all the way up over my face before I entered. Just grab what you need and get out! I cautioned myself. My laptop, sketchbook and pencil case were already in a neat pile on the island, I grabbed them. Next, I hurried to the conservatory, so many floor cushions, throw pillows and crocheted blankets, plenty to spare. I threw them one by one into the courtyard. I allowed myself the briefest of moments to look back through my beautiful home, longing for a minute to put the kettle on but not daring, then compelled myself to flee.

I lumbered across the meadow with my clumsy pile all the way to the barn. It was our next project after the house. Luckily we had already swept it out, removing all the weeds, brambles and excrement. We had even replaced the mossy old roof. Progress had slowed after that as we couldn't agree on what we were building. Truth be told, I had no need for a studio, or a guest house but it was exactly what I needed right now. I hauled my belongings through the wide wooden door and dumped them on the cold stone floor. I heaved a few wooden pallets over to the centre and arranged my cushions into a makeshift bed. I made myself comfortable, and waited.

*

John found me in the barn that evening. It was growing dark outside but the coral glow from the sunset flooded through the barn door and filtered in speckled spotlights through the covered window panes.

“Don’t come in here! Stay at the door!” I shouted, panicky.

“Katie what the hell are you doing?” he said exasperated.

“I texted you, I told you I’ve been exposed and I have to isolate myself! Vivian’s got it, she’s got the virus!”

“Yeah I got that, I’ve had to go pick Maisie up from nursery haven’t I? And there’s tea time and bath time and bed time! I’ve got work to do you know while you’re acting the hermit!”

“I can’t risk it John! I’m scared,” my voice quavered. All my fears over the past few weeks were threatening to rush out of me beyond my control. “People have died and I'm scared, for us and for Maisie.”

“How do you know she’s even got it? Eh? You know those girls love the drama and the gossip! John’s eyes were wide and staring at me making me feel uncomfortable, his lips tightened around his teeth as though he was holding back more vitriol towards my friends.

“She had a test done John,” I pleaded sadly, “I know we didn’t want to believe this pandemic was real but it's here, it's on our doorstep and we have to be careful!”

“Well from what I’ve heard it's only a bloody cold! It’s no worse than the flu and anybody who's died from it was dying anyway!”

“I hope you’re right, you know I do, and I wish I could come and help you with Maisie but please,” my voice cracked, “just try to understand why I have to do this? Please help me.”

“You’re letting your anxiety get the better of you. Have you took your pills?” He made a considerable effort to steady his voice. “You know we shouldn’t pander to your delusions, you’ll make it worse acting like this!”

“Don’t patronise me,” I seethed, “this is exactly what we’ve been told to you, i’m only following the rules.”

“Nobody bloody told you to sleep in a mouldy old shed that sticks of shit! Do you realise how mental you look right now!” he shouted into the rafters completely unable to fathom how scared I was.

“I’m not taking a breath near our house until I know it’s safe, can I trust you to look after Maisie?” My words were steady and my tone was final.

“Of course,” he conceded, I’d hit him where it hurt, his pride. Of course he needed to prove he could handle things on his own. “I’ll sort you some stuff out and I’ll bring her down before bed to say goodnight.”

With that he stomped off back to the house, I followed him to the barn door where I could see the lights glowing from the windows. I imagined Maisie eating spaghetti with sauce all over her face, then watching Peppa Pig in her pyjamas on the settee. What the hell was I doing?

15th March 2020

Gemma: Omg guys I only just read this message! It was my Grandmas’s birthday yesterday I was at her house all day! My whole family was there. What do I do?!

Me: Oh no you’re kidding? Have you warned them now? xxxxx

Joanne: Relax Gem, they'll be fine! We’re still alright aren’t we? It’s only Vivian who’s ill maybe she didn’t pass it on

Vivian: You are all well aren’t you, I haven’t infected you? xx

Me: Alls well here, bit rough after sleeping on wooden pallets all night though :( xxxxx

Joanne: I can’t believe you’re in the barn! You hippy! Xx

Gemma: Do I need to isolate now, do my family?

Joanne: I wouldn’t bother Gem, I think we’ve dodged it

Gemma: God I hope so….

17 March 2020

“Haven’t you had enough of this?” John demanded “You clearly don’t have this virus, the only thing you are suffering from is pigheadedness!”

I considered ignoring him completely as I sat on my quaint, little pallet bed, sketching illustrations for work. He hovered in the doorway though, agitated, and I felt disturbed at the idea he might step inside.

“Maybe I don’t,” I turned to look at him calmly. “But it's the rules now John, I hope we can celebrate together when we know for sure we’re in the clear.”

John scoffed and shook his head, he left without another word. He had been good to me so far, he’d brought me a heater and a string of fairy lights for the night times. He left my meals on a tray by the door. He’d kept me updated on Maisie, who I didn't dare speak to except for through my phone screen. He’d brought me all her artwork from nursery which I used to brighten up the musty, damp walls enclosing me. Sometimes I just wanted to run all the way back to our home and tell him I'm sorry for being so ridiculous and I promised I'll up my meds right away, but then sometimes I feel like I won’t ever leave this barn now…

19 March 2020

The night is black and heavy all around me, the dim glow from my fairy lights is isolating me in an eerie circle. I’m as close as I can be to the small electric heater but the cold weather has gotten inside me, I shiver uncontrollably. My head aches and my eyes burn. My mind keeps returning to people dying slowly in hospital beds, struggling to breathe.

20 March 2020

I can’t lift even heave myself upright to do any work today, I try force myself to sleep. Sleep it off, just sleep through this. The headaches are unbearable, I want to wail but my throat won’t allow me. John must be at work, my breakfast remains by the door, he must have left it while I slept.

22 March 2020

Gemma: Guys… My gran is not looking good. They rushed her into hospital today, she's on the covid ward on a ventilator. I can’t bear this, I can’t believe I’ve been so stupid!

Me: It’s not you’re fault hun, none of us knew xxxxx

Vivian: It my fault, I should never have planned that bloody meal out! I’m so sorry! Xx

Joanne: She’ll get through this, she’s a fighter, we all are! It’s not nice though, how are you girls doing?

Me: Not the best

Joanne: Me neither, can’t move :(

Vivian: Better here, just drained mostly, there’s light at the end of the tunnel girls! Xx