Intertwined

Curled up in the foetal position, she lay on her bed, hugging her knees into her chest. Her eyes were squeezed shut; her breathing deep and heavy. She’d lost count of the amount of days now spent like this. One rolled into another, into another, into another. She wished away the hours, knowing this was no way to live a life and not knowing how else to live it at the same time. At one point in the never-ending nothing, there came a knock on the door.

“Mm” she answered quietly

Her dad peeped his head into the room, then entered gingerly.

“Cup of tea for you” he said, placing it down beside her. His face was full of concern, dark circles under his eyes from where he worried about her at night. He didn’t know what to do, either.

She nodded slightly and gave a whispered “Thank you”

Her body was youthful and young, but her soul was aged and aching.

He lingered a moment, wondering whether to try and speak to her again or to leave her to it. He didn’t trust himself not to cry.

His daughter had gone away for six months and returned home to a heavy depression, like nothing he had ever seen before. This was not the daughter he knew, though he loved her just the same. She was a shadow of her former self. What had happened?

The question could be answered, simply put: She’d had a taste too much of paradise.

And coming ‘back down to Earth’ had hit her, harder than a tonne of bricks.

The world around her felt unreal now, and not in the good way. Nothing seemed to make sense to her anymore. She couldn’t work out why people lived their lives the way they did, with so much conditioned oppression, when there was so much more to life.

And yet here she was, lay on her bed, doing nothing with her existence for an immeasurable amount of days.

Her dad sat down on the edge of her bed and tentatively broached the subject.

“You can’t stay in bed all day, every day, you know” he said

She sighed, urging herself to sit up.

“Why don’t you go for a walk or something, get some fresh air?”

She shrugged. The thought of walking around aimlessly didn’t appeal to her. Nothing did.

Desperate for some sense of normality from her, he continued suggesting “Maybe watch some TV? Read a book perhaps?”

How could she put across just how hopeless she felt each and every moment? It was indescribable. These things didn’t help; everything seemed to make it worse.

She appreciated that he was doing his best, so she nodded and shuffled over to the bookshelf, using everything she had. Her father looked slightly appeased.

“What are you going to read?”

“Not sure yet” she answered, looking blindly at all the covers in front of her. She had no intention of trying to read anything, knowing she would be unable to.

“Ok, well, I’ll get back to work. Keep your chin up” and with that, he left.

She grabbed a random book and pulled it off the shelf, just in case he returned to check in on her. Then, she opened the drawer under her bed and pulled out the package she’d ordered the week prior. Inside, was rope. It had been mulling in her mind for a while now.

She found a pen and a piece of paper, then did her best to justify her decision:

“Can’t live this way any longer. No life worth living. No love in me for anything or anyone. Incredibly alone. Miserable. No point in existing. Please respect my wishes”.

As she did so, overwhelming sobs took over her body. The thought of leaving her family behind was agonizing, but the pain of living seemed worse.

Never in a million years had she ever thought it would come to this.

* * *

The rain outside had deterred her from going to find a place. So she was curled up again, and she was praying. Praying for something. Anything.

Expecting nothing.

Which is when it came.

A glistening out of the corner of her eye; something down near her feet. Gentle light playing off the wall. At first she thought it was the sunlight, but as she looked at the clouds, she realised that didn’t make sense. She directed her gaze towards what was calling her attention.

The faint glow emanating from the foot of her bed was now an iridescent green. It shimmered into form gradually until the figure of a being floated there. She watched unquestioning, simply observing the experience.

“It is ok to just be” came a voice, unspeaking “You are healing, not just for yourself, but for the entire collective”

She knew then that she would not be here forever; that the pain and suffering her heart and whole being was going through was not for nothing. The light faded with nothing more to say, yet a sense of guardianship lingered over her. She felt safe, loved and where she needed to be.

So she took the rope, and she went outside, and she put it in the bin.

She sat down to meditate. And, she realised, she was here for a purpose, just as everyone is, whatever that purpose may be. And she, she was going to find it.