If You Scream I Shoot You

There’s a running joke among Nairobi drivers that if you can drive in and through Kawangware, and survive it, you are a good driver.

I used to think I was a good driver since I used to drive through and into Kawangware at least twice daily on my way to and from work.

That self-assuredness came crashing down one Friday evening, a few minutes to 8:00 pm.

“If you scream I’ll shoot you,” said the man at my car window.

Traffic had come to a standstill in the Kawangware area of Nairobi, just after the insecure “Congo” area. But when there are people all around, you feel safe. What could happen?

The road was full of cars and many people were walking by, some even hawking their wares.

In such situations, you tend to let your guard down. And that’s what I’d done. My driver’s window was a quarter way down.

Suddenly, this man was leaning on my car window, breathing down my neck, forcing his head and elbows into the car. I hurriedly tried to close the window, but he pushed it down. “You can’t close the window,” he said with a smirk.

He used one hand to hold the window down, making sure the other hand was out of my sight. I suddenly realized that anyone looking at us would think we were friends having a conversation as we waited for the traffic to clear.

So, I was on my own. I’d receive no help from fellow motorists.

“Na nimesema, ukiscream nitashoot (And I’ve said, if you scream I’ll shoot)”, he repeated.

I did not for a minute believe he had a gun. Guns are not easy to get in Kenya, except for hard-core criminals, and he did not look like one. (Don’t ask me what a hardcore criminal looks like).

However I knew he could be carrying a knife, (even a penknife), a screwdriver, or anything else that could be used to injure, so I decided to play it safe.

“What do you want?” I asked him.

“Money for food,” he answered.

“Okay, I’ll give you,” I told him.

I reached for my handbag on the floor of the car, on the front passenger side.

“Or give me that bag,” he said.

“No, no, no, I’ll give you money,” I told him.

There was no way I was going to give him my bag with my house keys, identity and bank cards, and other valuable documents. But I intended to give him some money.

This was before the mobile money era. I had withdrawn a substantial amount of money from the bank for something I needed to do over the weekend. I hoped to be able to identify and extract a small note that I could give this hustler to buy food.

I used to keep my money in two separate wallets and at that time, I could not remember which wallet I had used. Unfortunately for the hustler, the first wallet I opened was empty.

As I put the wallet back in the handbag to pick up the other one, Mr. Hustler was getting impatient. “Ee! Unachagua pesa ili unipatie kidogo? (Ee! You are selecting money so that you can give me little?)”

“No, there is no money there. Let me look in another one,” I answered, as though I owed him an explanation.

Just then, traffic opened up and vehicles started moving. I still could not move, at least not without injuring Hustler as the top half of his body was in the car. So I waited as I contemplated my next move.

I had not noticed that the local eccentric had taken to directing traffic. As he waved cars on (unnecessarily, we might note) he realized I was not moving.

“What’s wrong madam? Why aren’t you moving?” asked the self-appointed traffic marshal.

That’s when Hustler leaned back and removed the top half of his body out of my car. He attempted to explain the problem to Traffic Marshall, but I did not wait to hear the explanation.

I took off. I threw traffic rules out of the window and took off as though an evil spirit was after me. And it was; in the person of Hustler, who attempted to run after me.

I caught up with the other vehicles but did not stay there. Fortunately for me, there was no traffic from the opposite direction, so I drove on the wrong side like one possessed.

My aim was to get away. And get away I did.

I only slowed down (with my window up) about a kilometer from the scene of the incident.

Lessons learned:

• Don’t look down on the local eccentric. He could save you from a situation.

• My car can accelerate from zero to 60 mph in seconds.

• When driving in Kawangware, always keep your windows up.

This is a true story.

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