I really messed up

The sound of shattering glass rang so loud in my ears as the plate collided with the wall right behind me. This was all my fault; Michelle has every reason to be mad at me and I don’t know what else there is to really do.

“Please listen to me! It was a mistake and I’m sorry! I promise it won’t happen again. It won’t.” I was pleading with her; if I didn’t calm her down at least a little bit we weren’t going to have any dishes left in our house.

“You’re sorry?! I’m sure you were feeling really sorry when you had that stupid little girl in bed with you!” Michelle was screaming this at me.

“Maybe if you just listen to me for two seconds! I know it was a mistake! She made me feel like I still had the skills to please a woman…” I was abruptly cut off while trying to explain this.

“WHY DIDN’T YOU TRY THOSE SKILLS AT HOME WITH ME!? I’m your wife! I’m the only one who should be making you feel like a man that way!” I could hear Michelle’s voice crack towards the end of her thought.

“You used to when we first got married. You never want me touching you anymore though.” This was probably the furthest thing from what I should be saying, but I wanted to be honest with her.

“Are you forgetting what made me become distant? We lost our child! The thought of possible having that happen again has made me cold! You know this! I’m in therapy for this! I’ve begged you to come with me, but you always refused. I guess now I know why, you were too busy being satisfied by someone else.” Michelle was crying as she was saying this.

I just stood there silent, she was right, and I hadn’t forgotten about our child. She acted like it was my fault though, always punishing me by not wanting to touch me. I couldn’t help what happened; neither one of us could have. “I wish you had never gotten pregnant to begin with...” I said it low but the silence that filled the room after the words left my lips made it obvious, she heard me.

“Do you really feel that way?” The tears left Michelle’s eyes and she just stared blankly at me. I had never seen her look like this before, I’m not sure there is a right answer to this question.

I took a deep breathe. “At times like right now, yeah.” I slowly looked up her and saw the tears fill her eyes. Seeing her like this made my heart ache, slowly I tried to walk towards her in an attempt to comfort her.

“No.” Is all Michelle said as she took a step back away from me. “You don’t get to blame our child’s death for you cheating on me. We’ve been married for seven years; I’ve always tried to keep our home a happy one. There is only one option at this point.”

“I’m not going to couples therapy with you. You’ve asked a dozen times and you know I don’t believe in that.” I cut her off before she had a chance to finish her thought. The idea of strangers just sitting and judging our marriage and how we messed up didn’t sit right with me. They don’t know us, how could they possibly help us.

“I mean a divorce Jason.” Michelle said it with very little emotion in her voice. “We aren’t meant for each other like we thought. It’s time we finally admit that.” Tears were flooding down her face again.

“What? Look we’ve been through a lot, but we can make this work.” I didn’t want to divorce her; she was the love of my life. I messed up one time! A man has needs you know; she wasn’t fulfilling my needs.

“No. This is the last straw.” She grabbed her bag and car keys. “I only ask you don’t bring that girl over here. My things are still here, and I’d appreciate at least that much respect.” As I saw her starting to leave it was my turn to start crying my eyes out.

“Wait. Please don’t do this! We can make this work! We really can. If you want, we can move to a whole new state and start over.” I wanted nothing more than to convince her to change her mind.

“Just let me go.” She sounded defeated.

“I can’t just let you go!” I stood in front of the door so she couldn’t leave. “We have been through too much together. I know I messed up; we can fix this though!” Once she got closer to me and realized she wasn’t going to force me away from the door she just looked up at me. Still with sadness in her eyes but also anger.

“You should’ve thought about that before you went inside another woman! Now let me out of here! I don’t want to see your face; it’s making me feel sick. I don’t want to hear from you ever again! I don’t want to see you ever again! I’m done with all of this!” Michelle didn’t get mad very often and seeing her getting this upset I thought it might be best to let her go.

I slowly stepped away from the door and watched her leave. Watching her step into her car and speed out of our driveway made me feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest. What was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking and that was the problem. With how upset she was it honestly was probably a bad idea to drive. Why did I let her leave?

Panic started to set in as I realized she could end up getting hurt. I grabbed my phone and quickly called her. I heard a buzzing sound in the house after the first ring went off. She left her phone here; I had no way to get in touch with her. This all ended so badly. All I could do was sit and think about how horribly I messed up.

Scrolling through my phone and looking at the text messages I had with Emily, I couldn’t even remember what about her made me pursue the affair. Emily was younger than Michelle but honestly Michelle was still more attractive. Maybe it was the way Emily acted like I was the best thing to ever happen to her; she probably did that with all men though. After all, I have been paying for her rent and treating her to nice things. I should’ve been doing for Michelle like that instead, my wife deserved that. Maybe if I make an appointment with her therapist, they could help me.

My mind began racing with different ideas of how I could win back my wife, it all was exhausting. I looked at the clock and saw it was 2a.m. and Emily had been sending me messages. This was our usual time to talk or met up without my wife knowing. My head was hurting me too much to explain to Emily what happened tonight and that I wouldn’t be speaking with her again. I needed sleep, with the help of some melatonin I should get a couple hours before trying to figure out what I can do tomorrow.

I slowly opened my eyes as I heard more intense banging on the front door. “What the hell…” I looked over to see my wife’s side of the bed empty, I had almost forgotten what happened last night. The banging grew louder, so I walked to the door and slowly opened it, covering my eyes as the morning sun filled them.

“Good morning, sorry to bother you. Are you Mr. Richards?” There were two officers standing at my door, Michelle was able to get divorce papers that fast. That’s not possible, did she say I abused her. “Sir? Are you Mr. Richards?” The officer asked again.

“Oh..uhm..yes, sorry. I’ve just woken up. How can I help you?” I thought having to spend the day finding my wife and fixing things was going to be hard but now I have to add on whatever they need from me.

“Do you mind if we come in? You’re probably going to want to sit down.” The officer’s tone changed from strict to almost sympathetic. What could possible have happened to bring them to my door like this.

“Yeah, come on in.” I opened the door all the way and walked them to the kitchen table where I sat down.

“Do you have any children in the home sir?” After the officer said this, I wondered if Michelle was saying I was having sex with underage girls. I know she was mad, but could she have been this mad?

“No. Why are you asking about children? Why are you here waking me up?” I started to get annoyed. I wanted to know why they came and then have them leave.

“We’re sorry to tell you that your wife, Mrs. Richards, caused a fatal car crash late last night. Unfortunately, she didn’t make it.” My jaw dropped as soon as the words left the officers lips.

“Michelle is dead?! That can’t be. No! Where? Where is she right now?” I started to cry. This couldn’t be how it ended for us. The last things I said to her were so horrible. This wasn’t possible.

“Right now, she’s at the morgue. If you want, we can take you there.” The took a couple steps towards the door.

“Yes, I need to see my wife. This isn’t possible. Let me just grab my phone.” I rushed to the bedroom and grabbed my phone. As soon as I lifted it up the screen lit up and I could see I had several missed calls from an unknown number. Is it possible I slept through all that? I noticed a couple voicemails and decided to give them a listen.

“I know I said I didn’t want to hear from you, but I got drunk and I do want to make things work between us. This is a marriage; we can’t just throw it away. I’m at the bar we always go to. I left my phone home so you couldn’t call me, but the bartender was nice enough to let me use their phone. I love you.” As I realized it was my wife’s voice on the voicemails I broke down in tears. This wasn’t possible.