I Like Hunting Monsters

This cake is delicious! Thank you! Really, I mean it. Thank you! Nothing like a good slice of chocolate cake after biking…what was it, ten, eleven-ish miles. Whatever, it doesn’t matter. Ah…yes, about that. I promised to tell you why I was out so late on the highway. Well, it’s kind of a long story. Yeah, I know, what a cliché beginning but it’s the truth. Good thing we have time while that waitress goes to get the sheriff. Weird business it is with the phones not working. First your cell, then the cells of everyone here and now the landline at this diner. Real weird.

Okay, okay hold your horses. I know you think I’m stalling, but I’m not. Not really. You see, before I get started, I need you to understand a few things. First, I can already hear the interjections you’ll no doubt make throughout my story. You know, the whole, that was dangerous and stupid. And you’d be right. I already know all that so you won’t need to say it. Actually, I’d prefer you promise me you won’t say anything until I’ve finished my story. In fact, I won’t tell it until you promise. You promise?

Good. Now second of all, before you freak out, I just need you to remember this. I’m clearly unharmed. If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be here telling you my story right? Dead men tell no tales and all that jazz. So clearly, it all turned out okay in the end. You found me and once the sheriff arrives, I can tell him, we can get things straightened out and everyone goes home happily ever after. Alright, alright I can see you’re annoyed so I’ll get on with it already.

I like hunting monsters. As a matter of fact, I’m a professional monster hunter. Don’t look at me like that! I’m serious! You’ll see when I’m done! Now like I said, I hunt monsters. And in order to be a good monster hunter, you need to go into a hunt prepared. To that end, early this morning I put on my best running shoes. After all, you can’t run very well from a monster in flip flops or ballet flats. I made sure they were tied on tight and secure. I also put on my baseball cap. The last thing you want is to lose sight of the monster chasing you because you were stupid enough to let the sun get in your eyes.

I made sure my backpack was stocked with the tools I’d need for the hunt. I packed snacks, because hunting can take time. I also made sure to pack a notebook and pens. I use a different one for each hunting trip. It’s where I document monster behavior, attacks, territorial range, characteristics, you know, the usual. It’s a good place to brainstorm some hunting strategies and tactics. And of course, I made sure to bring rope to bind the monster once I catch it.

I set out in the morning nice and early, before most other kids were even awake. I had a long way to go if I was to get to the territory of the monster I was hunting. It was still dark out so I was able to borrow a bike from a boy who lived near where I was staying without him knowing. He kept it in really good condition. I rode from the Thousand Oaks neighborhood over to Pinewood Estates. That’s the monsters hunting ground. I peddled around for a while until it was time to head towards the school. The monster strikes around that time. I was alone and made the perfect bait.

Sure enough, a red car slowed to a stop next to me as I stopped at the top of a hill to catch my breath. I’d heard reports that the monster drives a red car, so I was instantly on alert, but made sure to look like a normal dumb kid. The man inside asked if I needed a ride to school. He’d seen me struggling to get up the hill. I pretended to be unsure, giving him the whole line about how I’m not supposed to talk to strangers. Usually, good adults will get the hint and move on. But like I suspected, he wasn’t a good adult. He mentioned it was still a long way to the school, saying it’d be a shame if I was late. He even offered me a doughnut. He was trying really hard to get me in the car. I could tell. My monster sense was going off, and I couldn’t let this opportunity get away from me. So I got in the car.

Hey! You promised you wouldn’t say anything! I know, it seems stupid but trust me, I am a professional and I’ll remind you that I’m clearly still alive and unharmed. Now let me keep going! Sheesh!

We went in the direction of the school and he asked all the normal adult questions. What was I studying in school? What did I want to be when I grew up? Who were my parents? Yadda yadda yadda. Then I realized we drove past the school, but I pretended not to notice. I just kept him talking as he drove us outside of town. By that point I realized it’d be suspicious if I didn’t ask about where we were going, so I did, pretending to sound a little scared. He stopped talking and I could tell the mask was off now. His face went expressionless like a statue and he stared straight ahead with his aviator sunglasses on. I asked again and he told me to shut up. I did, but I made sure to start fake crying. I had to sell the stupid scared kid schtick.

We drove for about half an hour before he pulled over into a small clearing behind some trees blocking us from the sight of the road. He then pulled a big knife from the door on his side of the car and told me to get out of the car. Now that I knew he was my monster, and it was hard to keep from smiling. The hunt was on! I did as he asked, only as soon as my door was open, I bolted into the woods. He cursed and I could hear him running around the car to chase me. Good thing I’m fast! As I ran, I rummaged in my bag for my rope and then tossed my bag aside. I knew it wouldn’t throw him off my trail for long. Fortunately I came across a big boulder so I hid behind it and waited. It was so hard not to laugh! He really thought he was the hunter here!

I heard him creeping up to the boulder. I made sure to leave a pretty obvious trail that even a blind man could follow. Time always moves slower in those moments just before you turn the tables on a monster. Your senses go into overdrive and the need to move gets so strong it takes all of your self-control not to jump out with a crazy war cry and attack. But like I said, I’m a professional, so I held myself in check, letting him think he was the one going to jump around and attack. And as predicted, he did, but I was ready.

I wish you could’ve seen the look on his face when he rounded the corner and saw me, but not as he had seen me before. I could see my new reflection in his sunglasses. I had grown taller than him. I was a big, muscly bald man with tattoos and a hulk Hogan mustache. And at that point, I was smiling. I grabbed him, beat him up a bit and tied him up. Then I got to work. I told him I knew he was the one hunting kids in the neighborhood and I gave him an ultimatum. He could confess everything and tell me where he hid the bodies, or I could keep him tied up and hurt him a lot. Like most monsters, he was a coward and spilled everything. But I had to be sure. So I put him in the car and drove to all the locations. Sure enough, he told the truth. His count was actually higher than I thought. I made sure when I recorded a final confession, he included all the locations of the graves and marked them on a paper map I brought.

He thought I’d let him go then, but I’m sure you know I couldn’t do that. After all, I’m a monster hunter. Hunters generally don’t let their prey go on living. I got into his head. He was more scared now than when I had changed in front of him, because I’d taken control of his body. I made him record an addendum to the confession, expressing remorse and how he just couldn’t go on anymore. How for the safety of the community, he needed to end it all…

The authorities will find him where I left him. He’ll be back by the boulder, his knife beside him, with only his fingerprints on the handle, a deep, neat gash across his throat. The man made sure to keep his blade sharp. The map and his confession will be in his pockets, safe and sound. The cases will be closed and the families will finally have their answers.

You don’t believe me. I know, it sounds ridiculous. You must think I’ve cracked from some kind of trauma. But before you write me off, take a good look at my eyes, would you? Are they brown? Green? Blue? No, you’re not hallucinating. You really did see them change color. I can change a whole lot more than that. Like I said, I can be a big, burly man, an attractive woman, or a sweet, innocent looking little child like the one you see before you. I can be anything I want or need to be in order to do my job.

Don’t be scared. I won’t hurt you. I only hunt monsters, remember? And I can see into your mind friend. You definitely aren’t a monster. Why you? Well, what can I say. A hunter needs to brag a little to someone sometimes, and it’s not like there’s a community I can share these stories with. As far as I know, I’m the only hunter there is. No, I don’t have those answers. I don’t know how old I am. I don’t know where I came from or what I am. It seems like I’ve always existed, always hunted. I don’t know why I do it. It just seems like instinct, you know? Like what I was made for. By who, I don’t know?

But I’ve taken enough of your time. I really should get going. There’s another monster at work in a nursing home somewhere nearby I have to take care of. Don’t ask how I know. I just do. So here’s what I’m going to do. When the sheriff arrives, you’re going to tell him I went to the bathroom and I’ll be back in a minute. I won’t be. I’ll have snuck out the back by then, but I’ll leave my bag, minus my notebook. You and the sheriff will find a map with the location of the monster’s body marked, only it will be labeled as my hideout. I constructed a lean to nearby to sell that point. That’s how the authorities will find him. There’s also an address on a scrap of paper. It’s the address of the kid whose bike I borrowed. He loves that bike.

Thanks for the cake. It really was delicious! Just promise me you and yours will continue to be good people. I’d hate to come back here and have to do some hunting again. It’s not quite the climate I enjoy.