I Hate You, I Hate Myself

All of you are here today because you care for someone who has abused you at some point in your life.

Before we begin, I want to explain why everyone is seated in a circle facing outward. This setup ensures that no one can see each other. Each chair is spaced far enough apart so that even if you turn your head, you won’t be able to get a clear look at the person next to you.

The purpose of this arrangement is to keep our focus solely on the situations we’ve experienced, rather than on each other’s identities.

In this group, we will not introduce ourselves or share personal details such as our names or where we live. Each of you has been assigned a number from one to five, which is how you will be identified. Additionally, when speaking about the person you care for—the one who has also harmed you—please refer to them only as “they”, rather than using ”he” or “she”. This will help remove identifying factors from our discussions.

Before we move on, does anyone have any questions?

No? Then let’s continue.

We will go around the circle three times.

- In the first round, each of you will state one thing your abuser did to you. While they may have harmed you in multiple ways, for this exercise, you should describe just one action in no more than two sentences. This may be the action that impacted you the most.

- In the second round, you will explain, again in two sentences, why you have become this person’s caregiver.

- In the third round, you will share how caring for them has affected your emotions or how it has helped you grow—also in two sentences.

I will begin with an example of how your responses should be structured. After I make my statement, I will say, "Number one", signaling the first person to speak. When person number one finishes, they will say "Number two", and so on until we reach person number five.

Round One

Let’s begin.

I am here today because I take care of a person that would not let me speak in their presence. If I did speak they would slap me in the face repeatedly until I would fall to the ground. Number One.

“I am here today because I take care of a person that used to punch me in the face and call me a loser and degenerate. Number Two.”

“I am here today because I take care of a person that, for several years in my life, burned holes in my skin with their cigarettes. Number Three”

“I am here today because I take care of a person that ignored me and treated me as if I did not exist. Number Four.”

“I am here today because I take care of a person that put their hands down my pants and grabbed me so hard that it made me cry. Then they would stand in front of me naked and made me touch them and told me they would kill me if I told anyone. Number Five.”

“I am here today because I take care of a person that told me they hated me when I was four years old. They’d rip my clothes when I was wearing them then laugh about it.”

Round Two

Now we explain, in two sentences, why we have become this person’s caregiver. I will start.

I am this person’s caregiver because they don’t have anyone else. In good conscience I just can’t leave them to struggle and suffer alone. Number One.

“I am this person’s caregiver because I have made peace with them and I have forgiven them. Number Two.”

“I am this person’s caregiver because it’s payback time. I now have control over when they eat, or how often their diapers are changed. Number Three.”

“I am this person’s caregiver because if I don’t take care of them I am going to hate myself more than I already do. Number Four.”

“I am this person’s caregiver because deep down inside I am still afraid of them. I am afraid that after they die they will come back and haunt me for the rest of my life. Number Five.”

“I am this person’s caregiver because it’s the right thing to do. Despite how they treated me, they are my parent and I love them.”

Round Three

Now we talk about how caring for this person has affected our emotions or how this has helped us grow. Again I will start.

Caring for this person has helped me grow because I have learned that I can put negative feelings aside in order to do the right thing. Number One.

“I can still see that fist in my mind coming toward my face. It triggers me, but caring for them helps me to cope with the trauma. Number Two.”

“I want to hurt this person so much, but I can’t. This angers me, because they had hurt me so badly. Number Three.”

“I’m not sure that I have grown from taking care of this person. But, doing this makes me feel less alone and lonely. I oddly feel fulfilled. Number Four.”

“I cry everyday, the hurt is so deep. I am on an emotional rollercoaster of fear and confusion. Number Five.”

Number Five?

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Thank you for reading, RHC