I Hate Captain Kirk

Throughout history many people have come to hate their jobs or their life, sometimes both. I am one who hates both. Most of my forty-five years has been filled with pain but I can’t complain about to anyone; I just have to grin and bear it. Currently right now I am heading to a potentially dangerous situation. I hear you ask what sort of person can endure such a life? I hear you ask who I am?

My dear reader, I am the USS Enterprise NCC-1701.

My story begins in 2245 under the command of Captain Robert April; not a bad commander as far as commander go, he was one that would try to find the most diplomatic solution to any situation that arises not that he didn’t see combat. I did enjoy my time with Robert, it was peaceful and more often than not, without problem.

In 2250 Robert April became an Admiral and his successor, Captain Christopher Pike took the centre seat. Christopher was more cavalier than Robert. As much as he would try to find a peaceful solution to any problematic situation, he found himself in combat more often than Robert did. Christopher was the Captain for a good fifteen years before he was promoted out of the role.

In 2265, Captain James T. Kirk took the centre seat, and so began my life of pain. If Christopher was more cavalier than Robert, James was gung-ho cowboy who seemed to prefer settling problems with phasers instead of diplomacy. In his initial five year mission; he saw combat with the Klingons and the Romulans. Every battle meant more pain for me. His battles with the Klingons were few and far between; but his battles with the Romulans were far more numerous, from their initial meeting in 2266 where a cloaked Warbird began a game of Cat & Mouse with it’s plasma torpedo. Needless to say that James defeated them but would soon find himself engaged in a multitude of situations with the Romulan Empire.

In 2270 Kirk was promoted to Admiral and I was dry-docked for refit under the command of Captain Will Decker; I thought my life of pain was over but I was wrong, Kirk came back. In the early 2270s, I was forced into service, despite not being fully refitted, to intercept the entity that became known V’Ger. This colossal entity that readily destroyed three Klingon Cruisers with little trouble and erased Starfleet Listening Post Epsilon IX from existence. Kirk took the helm and thrust me once again into the face of danger.

During the journey we almost collided with an asteroid as our half-baked warp drive caused a wormhole to form around the ship, if not for Will’s quick thinking I would’ve been reduced to debris. The interaction with V’Ger may have been uneventful from my point of view but we faced an artificial intelligence that no one had ever encountered before and would likely never encounter again.

Have you ever had someone prod you all day long? I mean persistently poking you around the clock? That was V’Ger. Whilst the crew interacted with the probe in the form of lt. Ilia, I had V’Ger constantly probe my memory banks and other ship systems, and I was powerless to stop it from doing so. At any point V’Ger could’ve detonated our stockpile of Photon Torpedoes; or it could’ve caused a catastrophic breach in the warp core, or removed life-support. There was also the threat of assimilation. As it probed every square millimetre of my body, I kept hearing one phrase repeatedly in my sensors ‘Resistance is futile!’ This was terrifying, even for a ship like myself.

Thankfully the V’Ger Encounter ended somewhat amicably when Will sacrificed himself to help V’Ger evolve to a higher state of existence, leaving me alone with dare I say it, James. I was grateful for the brief period of quiet that followed between V’Ger and 2285, the current day.

I was under the command of Captain Spock; who was assigned to train the cadets that would one day become Starfleet officers. It was a nice easy life, no daring escapades with phasers and torpedoes flying in every direction. Just peace, quiet, and cadets. Then James came back into my life. It seems every time he is onboard bad things are about to happen. He had stepped onto the bridge earlier today to oversee a training cruise. I wish I had some control over my systems, I would have liked to eject James out of an airlock. During the cruise we responded to a hail from Regula 1, James being the leave the rules in the rulebook type saw the cadets extending their training cruise to an impromptu rescue mission. Damn that man!

As we neared Regula 1 we came across another federation starship; it was one of my cousins, the USS Reliant. James, the Cadets and Spock debated back and forth about what to do when the Reliant wouldn’t answer hailing messages. One thing Starfleet did well, not that they know anything about it, was that they gave their ships the ability to communicate with each other through a unique sub-space channel. As we neared the ship; I reached out to the Reliant and initially I did not receive a reply.

I soon got a reply from my cousin ‘Enterprise, Enterprise’ it said with a trembling voice, ‘is that you?’

For an unknown AI deeply embedded within the computer systems of a vessel, the Reliant was terrified, ‘what is wrong?’ I responded.

There was a little silence and I could hear James call for the crew to raise shields but it was too late. The Reliant had opened fire, ‘I’m sorry’ the Reliant spoke, ‘I’ve been boarded by a man named Khan and he wants to kill Admiral Kirk.’

The Reliant opened fire again, and again. The shots took out my warp core and main energiser. Reducing my functionality, the Reliant relegated me to battery power. James tried his best to fire a few shots at the Reliant but Khan had already raised the shields. In my severely weakened state I had the Reliant constantly apologising to me; he wasn’t to blame, we can’t control what the crew does anymore than what the uniforms they wear can. Which is to say we can do nothing!

Theoretically we shouldn’t even exist, but when a Starship comes online for the first time a consciousness within the machine wakes up. An artificial intelligence that was not designed to be part of the ship, somewhat like a soul, or a ghost in the machine. Also, everyone thinks that all ships are female. The idea of a ship being a mother protecting her children has been a stereotype since the age of sail. Not all ships are female, the Reliant is male. As far as gender is concerned to a genderless AI.

Currently crippled and absolutely defenceless and the Reliant messaged me with ‘I’m really sorry, Khan is firing a torpedo.’ True to his word a torpedo came from the aft launcher, my bridge erupted into flame and debris. I had little to no power, no way of defending myself, and unable to communicate with anyone. Khan may be trying to humble James Kirk, but it is I who felt the wrath of Khan. I was scared, and alone. The Reliant kept bombarding me with apologies and asking if I was ok. I couldn’t respond, and the Reliant should count itself lucky, I would’ve ripped it a proverbial new one.

It wasn’t long before Khan was demanding James surrender, I was pleading with whatever God an Artificial Intelligence prays to that James would just surrender himself. James had soon got Khan to agree to take only him; so long as James delivered all the information regarding a project known as “Genesis.” Kirk agreed with Khan’s demand but instead of delivering himself and the files, much to my disdain, but instead forced the Reliant to drop it’s shields and released a few well placed shots to cripple it. This led to a lengthy stalemate in which both the Reliant and I went to our proverbial corners to lick our wounds.

I had managed to limp towards Epsilon IX, no thanks to Admiral Kirk getting caught with “his riches down.” Whilst James, Doctor McCoy and Cadet Saavik beamed over to the station, Spock and Chief Engineer Scott set about trying to repair the damage wrought unto me by the Reliant. I waited in orbit of Regula and Spock contacted James to tell him ‘By the book, hours would seem like days.’

I found this extremely annoying, if it was going to take days to restore power I’d be a sitting duck compared to the Reliant, who kept in constant contact with me with a myriad of apologies and questions regarding my status. Once again I was unable to respond but if I ever get the chance to respond then I will be using a chain of expletives that I found one day in my memory banks.

After two hours, Chief Engineer Scott and Spock had managed to restore some power albeit not enough to outgun or outrun the Reliant. James had beamed aboard and ordered us to make for the Mutara Nebula. Khan had the Reliant chase us to the nebula but hesitated to enter. The Reliant stopped short of the nebula and sent a message ‘Khan is wary of entering the nebula’ he said, ‘he knows entering will make him blind.’

I wished they would and take out James. I have never wanted a Starfleet officer to reduced to ashes but James T. Kirk was an exception, he caused me nothing but pain ‘I doubt he’ll stay out of the nebula for long’ I messaged back, ‘he wants to kill Kirk.’

True to form, James goaded Khan into following him into the nebula and Khan took the bait. The Reliant followed the Enterprise into the mists of the Mutara Nebula. Khan and Kirk, the Reliant and I were now locked in a game of cat & mouse; much like the time against the Romulans in 2266. It seemed like an eternity as the Reliant and I circled each other like a pair of blindfolded boxers. Eventually we had to finish the fight. Throughout this ordeal I had the Reliant constantly buzzing in my ear which led me to think he was nearby; and then he appeared. We narrowly avoided collision and the Reliant fired a torpedo at my aft sections, thankfully he missed which came with a flood of apologies.

Once again we circled and eventually we came close to colliding with one another once again, the Reliant spoke once again ‘I am sorry but Khan is going to attack’ of course he was right, the Reliant took out my port torpedo tube but Kirk had managed to get in a lucky shot that let the Reliant know what it was like to have the bridge compromised. This attack had an unfortunate reaction, I lost warp drive and the engineering bays were flooded with radiation.

The game of cat & mouse had to come to an end, I messaged the Reliant ‘I am sorry cousin’ I said, ‘this is going to end with one of us destroying the other.’

The Reliant messaged back with a mournful response ‘I am sorry too Enterprise, I do not want it to end in destruction.’

With sage advice from Spock and the assistance of the now recovered Commander Chekov, we got the drop on the Reliant and took out it’s torpedo launchers and the port nacelle. I messaged the Reliant expressing my apologies, it’s all I could do given he had crippled me at the hands of Khan. Khan wasn’t defeated yet; he had an ace up his sleeve, the Genesis Device. He started a countdown which when reaching zero would send out a wave of energy that would turn the nebula into a planet, and destroying me in the process.

As the clock ticked down towards our impending doom; a miracle occurred in the engineering bay, warp power had been restored. We warped out of the nebula as it imploded and reformed as the newly dubbed “Genesis Planet.” I was heartbroken, if a such a thing is possible to a ship, to learn that Captain Spock had sacrificed his life to restore Warp Power and had subsequently died of severe radiation poisoning. Before we left this region of space; we held a funeral for Captain Spock. A photon torpedo was converted into a casket and Spock was entombed within. The torpedo was fired to the sound of Scotty’s bagpipe rendition of Amazing Grace. The torpedo disappeared over the horizon of the newly formed Genesis Planet, and we made our way home.

I was sad to lose Spock, he was the only Captain who didn’t use me for personal glory, or to engage in selective xenocide. No, he only wanted to do his job of training the next generation of Starfleet Officers and I only wanted to help him achieve that goal. Now he was gone and I was once again left without a purpose. By the time we returned to Earth, it had been decided by Starfleet Command that I would be decommissioned and made ready for disposal. Thank you Admiral Kirk, not only were my last days of service filled with pain; I am now to be cast aside, in favour of my newest cousin, the USS Excelsior. The Excelsior communed with me as I lay in wait inside Spacedock One, it spoke with a booming voice ‘So you are the Enterprise?’ I could feel it subtly scan me like a submarine using passive sonar, ‘what a sorry state of affairs for the former Flagship of Starfleet.’

This really pissed me off ‘I may be forty years old but I can still whip your backside!’ I responded.

The Excelsior laughed at me, a deep baritone of a laugh ‘That I would like to see.’

It had been a peaceful few days, quiet given the Excelsior’s brooding nature. I had noticed that Scotty had been coming aboard and conducting clandestine work to make me operational. I loved this about Scotty; I could have my saucer section ripped from my hull and he’d still try and make me fit for duty. Just when I thought I would have a peaceful retirement who walked aboard my bridge? Bloody Admiral James Tiberius Kirk!

He was stealing me away to search for Spock.