I believe I am God

Life moves forwards no matter whether I leave my bed or venture through the day. I could rot in the safety of my bed, and nothing would change. The only difference is I won’t be in the presence of others. Would they even remember me if I’m not in front of them, or would I just be other? A figment, a memory, an idea. That’s the issue with humans: if people aren’t actively surrounded by a presence, they forget it and treat it as though it were a myth, a story to be told to their children and peers.

‘I used to have a friend…’

‘Oh yeah, I heard about that!’

‘How does that affect me?’

‘It’s just a story.’

That’s just life.

With a heavy sigh I pushed off that comfort that lay upon me and kicked my feet over the edge of my bed to move onwards. Life moves, so must I, no matter how much my body feels empty or foreign. Other. And all because I believe in something dangerous.

I believe that I am a God. I believe that I am a God not because I am narcissistic or because I think I am so great and powerful and smart that everyone should love me; I believe it because I hate myself. Why should an entity that can do anything they wish choose to be powerless? Why would a God choose to live an eternity which confines them to a cell outside of existence? A God is a nothingness which sustains everything. If they push to be anything more, then everything they desire to protect will suffer. Gods have no self-preservation; survival is forced on them by another.

In every religion ever conceived by the human mind, a God presents their limitations, and yet we still choose to treat them like everything they are not: limitless. The Greeks worshipped spiritual representatives of physical entities which they could see and feel, and each one had a throne on Olympus in order to keep the balance. When they got bored, they came to mingle with their entertainers, their creation, us. Yet whatever actions they did on earth damaged us, so in order to keep a balance, they sent heroes to hide their disappearance from earth. In Christianity, when God was present, we were idle and knew nothing of life; then when he left, we became desperate and incapable. A God cannot live without impact, nor can they die, for a God is the nothingness that keeps everything alive.

But nothing can exist if everything isn’t present. So what is the unmoved mover that put things in play? What is that force that imprisons our gods? What is that malevolent power that preserves me when all I want is to be free?

Humans are free. Their freedom is a product of their insatiable want to become Gods. That want drives emotion; emotions create a fear of loss, and that fear of loss is what keeps humans alive. It’s what makes them feel alive. A God doesn’t have that, as a God cannot die, and seemingly neither can I. Everyone has a moment in their livelihood where everything slows down. Fear takes over and freezes us in place. Memories shift into the present. It’s that moment when you try to experience everything just before you lose it all. Then, when you blink, it dissipates into the depths of our hearts once more. You survived.

I can’t help but dwell on those moments. Those times in which I should have felt human, and yet all I can do is fixate on this potential ‘what if’ that plagues the ever-playing film in my mind like a disease that can’t kill or harm. What if their hand gripped my throat? What if I fell off? What if the car didn’t stop? Would I have died, or would that unmoved mover have preserved me like it always does? No matter how many days I go without eating, hunger never makes itself known in order for me to ease it; thirst never prevails; exhaustion never catches me off guard. I am seemingly invincible to what others feel, what others experience. I exist in a body, a society, which confines me like a cell within life. I have no reason to push to be more or the ability to become lesser, because no matter what, I don’t have the humanity needed to suffer. When I ascended to my godhood, I lost that gripping want that makes us fear losing what we already have. I lost the self-preservation needed in order to fear death, so the universe forces it upon me. And for that reason, I can’t help but hate the entity I have become.