How to Lose

Elizabeth Bishop said the art of losing isn’t difficult to master, but she didn’t give instructions for how to accomplish mastery of this art. I’m here to help. The question, really, is what do you want to lose? Are you content just losing money, or do you also need to lose some time? Maybe you need to lose something even more valuable—love. If you follow these rules, in no time at all, you’ll be a total loser. Good luck!

Rule Number One

Don’t keep track of anything. Loan money without noting how much to whom, and you can rest assured that you’ll never see a penny of it again. It’s a very simple process that requires zero effort.

Rule Number Two

Don’t have a place for anything. Be as careless and reckless as humanly possible. Let things fall where they may, and if you encounter any caution, ffs, throw it into a tornado, hurricane, or nor’easter. If there’s insufficient weather in your locale, turn on a fan, or puff out your cheeks and blow.

Rule Number Three

Forget birthdays, anniversaries, due dates, bar mitzvahs, christenings, ordinations, summons, and subpoenas. Never, ever write anything down. Throw away your calendar and delete the app from your phone. When someone asks why you didn’t show up, don’t answer, especially if it’s some uptight officer of the court, your spouse, your child, or one of your parents.

Rule Number Four

Never, ever show up anywhere on time, especially work, weddings, or court. Don’t even consider going to the concert before the opening band has left the stage. Act II is the best time to arrive at a play, preferably scene iii.

Rule Number Five

Insurance is for chumps, so never purchase any: not for your health, your car, your home, your life. Paying insurance premiums is high stakes gambling, and you’re placing a wager on needing to replace things due to circumstances beyond your control. To hell with that, plan on controlling every tiny detail you possibly can. It’ll charm everyone so much that they’ll act like they can’t tolerate your presence.

Rule Number Six

Never bother setting clocks or alarms. No reminders—you’re hauling ass footloose and fancy free all the way to the finish line, where you’ll arrive alone and empty-handed.

Rule Number Seven

Hide your feelings, especially if any of them are appreciative. If you have people in your life who love you and try their very best to make life better for you, take them for granted. Assume that they owe you everything they do for you and then some. If possible, look for opportunities to tell them how badly they disappoint you or why your life is miserable because of them.

Rule Number Eight

Take your entire paycheck to the casino, and don’t leave until you’re rich or broke, whichever happens first. To expedite the process, go straight to the high stakes slot machines, and look for one that recently paid a huge jackpot. The most important times to do this are before Christmas, anniversaries, and birthdays that you don’t remember.

Rule Number Nine

Be rude, as often and extremely as possible. If there’s a filter between your brain and mouth, remove it. If it looks like someone has gained weight, speak up about it—they may not have noticed the way their clothes are fitting and clearly haven’t seen themselves in the mirror recently. You owe it to them to bring this to their attention.

Rule Number Ten

Pretend you don’t care about anything or anyone, unless you truly don’t. But if that’s the case, you probably don’t need this guide. These rules are probably second nature; you might not even have to remind yourself to take people for granted or to be rude and offensive.