Thank You for Calling
Customer Service
”Thank you for calling XY&Q. This is Serena, and my ID number is 4563608. How may I help you today?”
“I’ve been on hold in this damn automated system for a half an hour. Are you a real person or another bot?”
“I assure you, I’m a real, live human being. Who do I have the pleasure of speaking with?”
“It’s ‘whom’, and I can’t guarantee pleasure for you. I’m trying to get something done about these bullshit charges.”
“I’ll be happy to take a look at your account, but first I need to verify your identity.”
“I already did that three times in the robot system!”
“I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t have access to previous conversations.”
“It’s not a previous conversation! I just did it in the damn queue.”
“I still have to verify your identity, sir. What are you first and last names?”
“Jennifer Smith. Please stop calling me ‘sir’.”
“My apologies, ma’am. I meant no offense. Date of birth, please.”
“Happens all the time. September 7, 1983.”
“Oh, you’re a Virgo!”
“I don’t buy into that nonsense. I get my front end aligned, not my Chaka Khans.”
“I think you mean chakras.”
“Whatever. My concern is my bill.”
“Yes, of course. What are the last four of your social?”
“4236”
“Thank you for that. Please give the system a minute to refresh.”
“Where’s the cubicle you’re answering a phone in?”
“Chicago. Do you have your account number?”
“I hate Chicago. Too expensive. No, I don’t have my account number.”
“That’s okay. Can you answer your security questions?”
“Of course I can answer my security questions.”
“What was your high school’s mascot?”
“Fuck you”
“Ms. Smith, there’s no need for hostility. This is your first security question.”
“There’s no hostility. That’s the answer to the question.”
“Oh, I see. That’s kind of funny.”
“Glad you like it.”
“What’s your mother’s maiden name?”
“Fuck you”
“Ms. Smith, I have to advise you that it isn’t wise to have the same answer to all of your security questions. It makes you easily compromised.”
“Oh, hell, I’m that anyway. Just ask my ex-husband.”
“You’re funny, Ms. Smith. Which charges do you have questions about?”
“All of them from last weekend. I was in a cabin at the lake, not in Vegas, but it sure looks like my card was, and from the business names I’ve read, I’ll give you Vegas odds that my ex was the one partying on my dime.”
“My goodness! Is he authorized on the account?”
“Of course he’s not authorized on the account! What fool authorizes an ex on an account? And look at where he went and how much he spent! The Chicken Ranch? Do you really think that if I’m not giving him mine, I’m going to pay for professionals?”
“No ma’am. Sometimes people forget to remove others from their accounts after life-changing events.”
“Life-changing events? Like having your whole life snatched out from under you because of one tiny little affair with your first love?”
“I’m not sure how to respond to that, Ms. Smith. Some people consider infidelity sufficient grounds to end a marriage. Like every divorce court in the country.”
“I’m sorry, are you judging me? Is that in your job description?”
“No, of course not. Merely stating a fact. I can transfer you over to fraud, but first, let’s see who’s authorized on the account. I see Jennifer Smith and John Smith.”
“That’s not possible. I took him off all the accounts the minute we separated legally. I was in my attorney’s office, and that stupid mobile her kid made was spinning in the corner of my vision. Damn near drove me crazy.”
“I’m sorry Ms. Smith, it appears to be a joint account. There’s nothing I can do.”
“Can you update the billing address?”
“Yes.”
“Let’s do that. Then let’s update the phone number. Then let’s take me off the account.”
“I’m sorry, ma’am, I can’t do that.”
“What can you do?”
“I can advise you to discuss this with your attorney.”
“—“
☎️
”Thank you for calling XY&Q. This is Serena, and my ID number is 4563608. How may I help you today?”
About the Creator
Harper Lewis
I'm a weirdo nerd who’s extremely subversive. I like rocks, incense, and all kinds of witchy stuff. Intrusive rhyme bothers me.
I’m known as Dena Brown to the revenuers and pollsters.
MA English literature, College of Charleston
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Comments (4)
haha, the lines: I get my front end aligned, not my Chaka Khans.” “I think you mean chakras.” Great job - it's super funny and familiar to all.
Wry, painfully familiar, and sharply funny. Anyone who’s survived a call-center maze will feel this all the way through.
It's so hard working for a call center
And the phone tree continues to grow. Funny but true. Happy New Year, Harper!