How To Find Yourself

If you are reading this, it is with great regret that I assume you have misplaced yourself in one way or another and now find yourself lost. Below is a practical list of steps to take once realizing you are no longer where you thought you were. Follow the following only as far as you must in order to once again discover yourself.

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Step 1: Shut your phone off

Surely, it was the first method you tried in your personal location. You scrolled through social media, your entire camera roll and text messages, and still nothing. You turned on your GPS and held your phone to the sky, but it still couldn’t pinpoint where you are. You must have found a dead zone. Or somewhere beyond Google Maps’ reach. You’ll feel a certain sense of dread – this is the realization that you are officially lost. Shut your phone off. It is futile and cannot and will not help you in identifying your current position.

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Step 2: Think back to when you last had yourself

Where were you when you realized you didn’t know where you were? How did you end up lost?

Perhaps you were misplaced by your new baby, or you took a wrong turn on your way to the hair salon, in any case, remembering this information is crucial in taking the next step.

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Step 3: Return to where you lost yourself

Once you remember who or what got you into this grave predicament, you’ll be able to start at the beginning. Check your pockets. Not in there? Then begin re-tracing your steps. Back track as far as your memory allows. Remember that time your mom yelled at you in front of all your friends for dying your hair blue? That was super embarrassing. Finding your location now depends on figuring out where you were before.

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Step 4: Note any landmarks

Does anything look familiar? Perhaps you’re actually sat out in front of your ex’s apartment complex, or the restaurant at which he proposed to you and you didn’t even realize it. Get up. You know how to get to the bus stop from here. Continue to the next step if you’re still unsure of where your bus is going.

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Step 5: Ask a taxi driver

Do NOT make contact with the police, they will want to know how lost you are, and it’s even worse if they’re able to give you the answers you need. Instead, avoid the hand cuffs or straight jacket and inquire through a local taxi driver. Now few and far between, taxi drivers are the unsung heroes of the local map and will surely be able to give you directions. Taxi drivers are known for giving great directions.

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Step 6: Find a bar

If that didn’t work, damn. It’s getting late, now all the cafés are closed. Pick a bar with bright lights, so you don’t lose yourself any further in the dark. Look for one that doesn’t have much chatter, so as to not confuse yourself with the thoughts and opinions of others. Music is good. Seek one out that has music, it might help.

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Step 7: Have a drink

You deserve one, right? It’s been a long day; your legs are sore from walking (or running) through unfamiliar-- sometimes hostile– territory. I imagine you’re even more stressed now than when you first realized you were lost. Go ahead, loosen up those thoughts a bit. What else could go wrong?

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Step 8: Look in the mirror

Make your way to the bathroom. You really have to go after all those drinks. Look up slowly to the reflection before you as you wash your hands. Oh, god, is that you?

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Step 9: Ask yourself if you’re happy

With that smeared eyeliner and lack of direction, the answer is definitely “No.”

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Step 10: Wonder if you’re better off lost

You’re not. You probably should go somewhere. Really, anywhere but here.

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Step 11: Yell your name

Use “I” statement when yelling your name. The louder you yell, the better. It may have the same effect on you as it would on a child afraid and alone at a shopping mall. Maybe a nice stranger will recognize how lost you are and come scoop you up to make sure you make it back safe. Or maybe it’ll simply remind you of who you are and thus, where you're supposed to be going.

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Step 12: Realize that you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be

Getting lost is the catalyst you need to find yourself. Why else would you go looking? Realize your search has a purpose and you have a place. Enjoy the journey.