How to Check the Oil

Oil, in no small measure, is what makes the world go around.

It’s the truth of a modern society.

It keeps the parts humming, moving smoothly against each other in a rhythm you can catch just before the sound waves leave the bounds of human range.

My youngest daughter learned the hard way how to check the oil. We never taught her the skill, she says.

When I think back, I am ready to yield this point because the only skill I can say with any certainty that I taught her was how to take the subway from Grand Central Terminal to the corner of 28th Street and 7th Avenue.

For that endeavor, I equipped us both with mobile phones and by the end of a semester of high school design and illustration classes on Saturdays at the Fashion Institute of Technology in Manhattan, she had also learned how to get on the crosstown S in the bowels of Grand Central Terminal, make the tricky quarter mile change to the Downtown 1,2,3 underground at 42nd Street, and what to do if a rogue train suddenly went express when it was supposed to be a local, including getting off at 14th Street and crossing to the northbound tracks for another local. In the second semester of her sewing classes, it saved me two off-peak 10-trip Metro North train tickets, forty hours of travel time, and a day in New York City each week for 10 weeks, which, though I love it wholeheartedly, is no place to be when you are trying not to spend more money than necessary.

When she calls from Idaho about the oil problem, I haven’t ever checked the oil myself. I take my car to the mechanic religiously four times a year, and neither of my vehicles in a lifetime of car ownership has been one of the leaking persuasion.

I wish I had made sure she was properly equipped with oil checking skills, just as I wish I could take all the pain she experiences onto myself, so she wouldn’t have to bear it. The fear of losing an engine to lack of oil, the grinding pain of broken relationships and boring or unrewarding jobs, we’ve all gone through them. Sometimes more than once. Being a good parent is one of the toughest jobs you’ll ever do. Unfortunately, the job doesn’t come with a fully tested owner’s manual.

You can’t teach what you don’t know. So, I approach this problem hands-on from behind the rearview mirror. I get into my car on the passenger side. I open the glove box.

This compartment has never once contained gloves- maybe the occasional half-spent roll of toilet paper and a plastic knife and fork. Matches, a flashlight, and some bandages for minor injuries might be a prudent addition, upon reflection. But there is a pristine owner’s manual in a black case.

Checking in with yourself and checking the oil, checking before it’s too late- before the “I do”, before the “I quit”, before breaking down on the side of the road. It is all a part of the same process. Have emergency measures in place so that you may respond without panic.

We all have our shortcomings. One of mine has often been the timely application of oil. If I had to do it over again, I might know where to apply the oil, no matter how clumsily, which kind to use, and when and how, I might have a stock of it at hand, ready and available. Of all the errors and omissions I have made, oil could be one of the biggest.

So, now I will teach you. Perhaps you can avoid a catastrophe. There are also deeper problems here, which I won't cover, such as a well under the Gulf. A pipe underground. Oil could be spilling out right now, contaminating everything around it, but it takes more than one person to stop that from happening. I'd be like the proverbial Dutchman holding back the flood with one finger.

Let me start again from the beginning. What does oil do? It eases the friction between moving parts. It circulates.

Here are some steps to ensure a successful oil check:

1)Prepare to Check-Read the Manual.

Start with love, and add as many homemade meals as you can make. Hover during the first steps. Learn the letters and numbers.

Research the type of oil your vehicle needs. SAE-5–30, SAE-10–40, for European engines. They speak a different language. Don’t mix two types of oil. Know your interior mechanics. Fully synthetic, Natural. WD-40 for other types of problems.

2) Follow the directions found in the owner's manual for warming up the vehicle. This step is essential and prevents many misunderstandings of the level of care that might be required. This may include warming up the car, then turning it off and letting it sit for a few minutes before testing the oil level. If you’ve come to the point where your vehicle is on the side of the road, let it cool down for several minutes with the engine off before attempting anything.

3)Open the Hood.

Finding the hood latch to this may present a problem of its own. Generally, they are located somewhere near the driver's side of the vehicle. It is usually a two-part process. Once you've employed the latch inside the vehicle, there will still be a catch to open outside at the front of the hood. After opening the hood (bonnet for UK readers), be sure to hook up the safety rod to prevent the hood from slamming down on your head or fingers while you look to find the dipstick pull and the oil fill.

4)Pull the Dipstick.

When you’ve found the dipstick ring, pull it out and wipe it with a clean rag or lint-free paper towel (or toilet tissue) you keep handy for the purpose. Then insert the stick firmly and pull it out again. At the end of the stick, there should be a marked area with cross-hatching or two tiny holes. A coating of oil should fall somewhere in this space. Below, you are nearing trouble. Above, you may also damage the engine.

Fill to the appropriate level with the appropriate oil.

Change the oil once every few months. Consult the sticker your mechanic has placed on your windshield as a reminder. Make an appointment.

In the old days, the station attendant would check it every time you filled up with gas and washed the windshield into the bargain.

Why wait? Just check it. And the coolant, although this item has a separate set of instructions and requirements. While you are doing all of this, you may as well fill the well for the wiper blades.

Squeaking doors, squeaking machinery, smoothing things over, like oil off a duck’s back. Lanolin. Grease a palm. Grease a baking sheet. Learning how to be a parent, or giving the teaching over to others. Crowning a prince, soothing a sunburn. Oil in the heating tank, quieting the hinges. Sealing a baptism, salving a wound. The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Prepare to check, says Car and Driver.

Know what kind of oil to apply to the situation. The oil of silence.The oil of companionship.The oil of help.The oil of sympathy, or the oil of empathy. The oil of the prayers I keep next to my bedside table.

To Recap:

Open the Hood.

Look for the dipstick.

Pull it out.

Wipe it off.

Push it back in and pull it out again.

Read between the lines.

Add oil, or not.

Close the hood.

Off you go.

My daughter also taught me something. Take calculated risks with joyful enthusiasm. Most of the time, joy will be enough to see you through.

~*~*~*~*

These directions are a considerable expansion of a poem I wrote several years ago after encountering a distressing and bewildering drop in trust. The poem, with the same title, is still available online on Medium here.