Her Path

I'm at the end of this bad turn of luck she thought as she sat quietly of a rock by the lake listening to the birds splashing every little while searching for food. The water was smooth and the air was clean. Finally the peace she had been trying to find, after all her plate had been pretty full this past year, and truth be told it should be cold and snowy this time of year.

She is not afraid to see this year end! It was supposed to be better than last year however the amount of stuff piled on her plate was more than she had bargained for, the people she thought she could lean on where not who she thought they'd be and those she once loved and trusted had turned mean and spiteful. Life has to get better she told herself, afraid to believe it and desperate for it to be true. She sat and prayed to the universe to help her turn things around.

January began this terrible year with news of illness and need of surgery. Potential cancer cells growing in her body she was shocked by the news and afraid. They caught it early. The treatment would continue for the rest of her life. She was a good person, unsure of why she was taking punishment for always looking after everyone else. The first decision she made was to step outside of the prison she had come to live in, the marriage she was in for so many years that tore her apart, made her lose herself, her mind, her soul. She had to get away from the control before the surgery. She knew she couldn't speak with the man she once considered her everything, he had turned into a mean mind game playing drunk. He only cared about his money and himself. That was always made clear when any of their children needed help. She was the only one who ever did things for them and that continued to be the case. To add to her sadness her oldest child had turned his back on her even though she always did as much as she could for him. She's the one who was always there when he needed advice or help or a few dollars for things. She always managed to find a way to help all of her kids while their father would prefer to write them off- pretend that they didn't need his help.

She felt isolated and alone most of the time, even though she had friends around, none of them could truly understand how she felt or what he was going through. She had no fight left in her!

She had no one to lean on, her friends didn't see how she felt!

Her world was constantly churning. A pot full of bills and bad luck. Stress and weight gain plagued her mind and body. Had she made the right choices? Could she have just kept going with the abuse for a few more years? Trading one abuser for another, both controlling and demanding. She longed for peace of mind.

Sometimes she felt as though she was shrinking into the background of her life. Every step forward was followed by two or more back. She only wanted happiness but was faced with judgement and the harsh reality of debt. She met people who were less than honest and only wanted to use her. She was too smart to get caught up in their schemes but it took a toll on her. She feared if she said out loud what she was thinking that she would end up being put in the hospital because what her mind was screaming out was you'd be better off dead! There is too much I can't do it! Every day a new battle mounted on her shoulders. If it wasn't a collection agency calling for money she didn't have it was a bill company threatening her for payment or her kids calling for help or her vehicle needing repair. Her ex was adamant that she deserved nothing from their years of marriage- it was bordering on 27 years with no agreement for separation or divorce. He continued to prove that no one was important to him just his cash flow. He complained about how he couldn't cope with bills although he made 4 times the amount she did. She had days she sat in her car and cried, no gas to get home, no food in the house, and no money. When she shared a bill that was their children's he got angry because she was the one who wanted to help them.

When she left she felt empowered and relieved now she felt battered and broken.

Her belief in angels was stronger than ever as she saved a cicada and a praying mantis and was sure that those acts would give her good karma. Things will get better she told herself every day.

She still dreamt of having her own house with a man she loved and being happy. Not being sad and beaten down emotionally. The trouble with that dream was that the affects of what she had gone through were compounding she owed so much money to the government, to bills.

Maybe it will change. Maybe not. She had lived through so much already.

She often thought of just disappearing. Just packing up and leaving. If she didn't have a lease and bills to hold her back she would leave. Not many would miss her or be concerned that she was gone any way. Maybe when her lease is up she would find a way to go. Just drive. Hide from life.

As time went by she continued to try, every day struggling with what she wanted and who she was, every day putting everything she had into making her life better than it was. Finally, after so much time, so much struggle, anger, resentment, she finally had an agreement. Her ex had agreed to give her support, although not what she was entitled to, in the end she felt that something was better than nothing. They finally settled the entire divorce, and she saw closure. She was finally free of the bonds she wore for so many years.

As she sat alone on a cold afternoon, she thought to herself “ why is it that the silence is now so calming?” She pondered the feelings she had of sadness, of loneliness, of content, of gratitude. She thought about the fight she had endured to regain her life and a sense of pride washed over her. She found her path to walk, she found her way.

As time had passed by, the love of her life also changed. The man she knew had matured and she helped teach him, mold him into a man who was supportive, loving, grateful. He no longer felt the need to have her total attention. He had come to realize they were a team. They worked together to build a home, and she looked forward to her days.

She still struggled as money was tight and she still had a plate that was overflowing, but she also had someone in her corner.

The angels must be smiling down on her at this point, they must be happy with the path I have chosen she thought.