Heavy Burden

My story for the NYC Midnight 100-word story challenge didn't move me to the second round, so as promised I am going to publish it here. The assignment was as follows: genre - action/adventure, action - piggybacking, word - germ.

Our starship crashed in a desert, miles off the destination. Shaken but alive, we still had to deliver supplies to the Evolutionairies. Silently, Fezzik balanced the load on his shoulders, grabbed two more cases and started walking. Carrying a comms backpack, I shuffled my feet in deep sand behind his giant frame. I couldn’t keep up.

“Fezzik, lemme carry those cases, and you carry me,” I pleaded.

He stopped, thinking, then nodded.

I hopped on top of his load, taking the cases.

“Heavy,” he grunted, grabbing my knees for balance.

“Not germane to our mission! Let’s go!”

Refocused, Fezzik obeyed.

Here's the NYC Midnight judges' feedback I received on this entry. I'm sharing it for full transparency, for writers who decide to enter the competition to have an idea of how the competition works. Also, I want to keep it for my own record:

''You Can Always Rely on Rezzik, The Compassionate Giant'' by Lana V Lynx

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {2090} I liked the way you described the action in the story, particularly the opening line, which sheds so much light on the status quo of this sci-fi world (from the fact that starships are expendable, seeing as the crash is mentioned once, and that there is some higher force called the 'Evolutionairies'). I also liked the reference to the Princess Bride, as I'm a fan of that story as well. {2482} The world you frame this story within is fascinating, and is very effective for the scope of the narrative. With pieces this short, I actually think it's smart to go with something more out-there in terms of setting-- the sooner the reader can accept the sort of otherworldly, un-reality of a piece of microfiction, the sooner they move on to focusing on other key aspects like plot, character, and meaning. As soon as I saw the word "starship," I was instantly keyed-in to accept a sci-fi world, and the people, objects, actions, and ideas that came with it. I also think it was clever to have your story be very dialogue-driven. For me, this really helped with the pacing of the piece, as well as better illustrated the relationship between the narrator and Fezzik than simple exposition could have done. In all, this is a piece that is very smartly written, and I really enjoyed parsing through it! {2205} I liked how you illustrated the relationship between Fezzik and the narrator. It was both sweet and silly, and worked well with the overall town of the story.

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {2090} I found myself wishing I knew more about these characters! We don't know the name of Fezzik's companion or why he obeys so quickly, and that kind of information can help us understand the subtext between the two hidden in their last exchange. If we know what has pushed Fezzik to complain, his eventual obedience in that great final line will land much harder. {2482} The one thing I got caught on with this story is it doesn't really have much of a complete "arc." Now, obviously, given the strict constraints of the genre, I don't expect you to put an entire narrative with a traditional beginning/middle/end on the page in only 100 words. Still, it feels like we arrive in this new place, the narrator asks Fezzik to carry them, Fezzik protests, the narrator gets upset, and then Fezzik agrees to the narrator's demands. The transition between Fezzik's inital disagreement and his acquiescence came a bit too quickly for me. I think it's mainly because I don't find the narrator's threat of "Not germane to our mission! Let’s go" to be very convincing. Maybe with a greater context of the relationship between these two characters, I would be able to see why Fezzik so quickly changes his mind/ Still, as things are now, I really wanted the narrator to make a bigger choice, to either convince or threaten Fezzik to get him on their side. {2205} I'm confused by the positioning of the carrying. How does Fezzik hold onto the narrator's knees for balance? Maybe you could clarify your description here.

There's a lot going on in my life right now and I'm sorry I'm not on Vocal much but I do check in from time to time. Can't promise I will catch up with all the wonderful stories I missed reading but I'll do my best when my current challenging stripe is over.