Heartache

Heart break, no can’t call it that. It feels like it’s already broken but its not. Yet. It’s heart ache. Longing for someone that already has somebody else. But am I longing the person or the idea of that person? The lovely, funny, charismatic, jokester man. I know he is all of these things because of his instagram posts. An instagram scroll-through is enough to get to know a person, isn’t it? I’ve gushed to friends, family, and strangers about this crush. Isn’t that enough to know its true love. Haven’t his ears started burning yet?! Feeling the energy sent when I utter his name? I’m sick of waiting. There was a window when he was single. I thought I had plenty of time then. Now I’m not so sure. He has a girlfriend now. They spent christmas together. CHRISTMAS! Isn’t that a holiday you share after you’ve been together at least five years?! Theres probably a reason we’re not together. That reason being incompatibility. But OH his instagrams make me laugh. He’s my brother’s roommate, did I mention that? No? Oh well I guess that could complicate things. If they don’t work out. Why would I be interested in a man who shows no interest in me? Low self esteem. Thats what it all boils down to. I should choose some who is obsessed with me. Like that Italian boy who always texts me at 2am his time. Thats 8pm my time. Surely he does this as a courtesy, not a late night booty call or anything…Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever find love. I know I will, but I still wonder. Everyone around me seems to have their hunny. But they warn me, relationship isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. Maybe I’ve taken that warning a little too much to heart because here I am now at 27 with only one short relationship under my belt. Ok maybe two. Several several one-two week flings. Two three monthers. Currently in a casual friends wi5h benefits situation lasting over a year. I guess you’d call that a relationship. Relationship. There was a time in high school long before I’d even touched a man that my best friend said to me “you’re gonna marry the first man you date.” And Oh that made me mad. At the time I did not want to be thought of a boring puritan who wed the first man she bed, but now thats not sounding too bad. In high school my soul longed to be a promiscuous sex goddess who could get any man she wanted and unfortunately or fortunately (jury’s still out on that) thats what I became. I wanted me life to be like a movie. And it did turn into a movie, but now I don’t really want that anymore, or I at least want the part of the movie that is the happily ever after. The boring part they don’t show on film. Where they’ve found their true love. I guess I do have time. My brother’s girlfriend says I’m young, that I have time. She’s over thirty. I guess I have to wait. Maybe my thirties will be the time of my life. My twenties certainly hasn’t been. So back to my love. Every time we see each other in person I fuck it up. One time I was at their apartment and I refused his home-cooking. I could see the hurt on his face. I don’t know why I did it. I love to eat… I dwell and dwell on this and what does it do for me? Nothing. Pain and longing. I need to detach from this boy. There are plenty of other fish in the sea! But not this fish. He is the rainbow fish who has already given a shiny scale to all his friends. He shines and shines on to all who come near. They absorb that shine and are better for having known him.