Concerning Grapes and Humans

“LAAAWD, Digestive Issues! That woke me up from next-level sleep…Uuurrrgh…eww-wahhh!”

“Promise to wake you better next time, Acid Reflux. Must’ve been the new casserole recipe.”

“Mighty big stretch for farfalle in tomato olive sauce. Damn! That S.B.D* got hang time. Open a window and let me live.”

“Unique combinations, Babe. I got sensitive gastronomicals. I’m sure they get confused by—Holy Crap! It snowed…fah-REEZING out.”

“Leave it open. I’ll take death by hypothermia over death by fart asphyxiation.”

“I’ll take death by hypothermia over death by—”

“—Cynic!”

“Melodramatist.”

“But you luurve me for it! Hey, where you going?”

“Where you think? To put out a fire.”

“You sure you can piss straight after a massive methane expulsion?”

“Now you’re being a deficient comedian.”

“And use some disinfectant on your butt. I don’t want no cross-contamination, Digestive Issues. And come to think of it, those four lagers you drank last night seem more likely a cause than my casserole dish. I don’t think your liver and gut flora handle things like they did three decades ago.”

“Wee-ell, gonna nope you on that assumption. I cut my intake by more than half in my thirties. Now, I only drink when stressed.”

“Point taken. My assistant director and his wife didn’t exactly make for a relaxing Friday evening. Ya know, I only made that dish cuz I didn’t wanna be belching all night, right? On top of that, I knew they wouldn’t ask for seconds. No use extending hours of mundanity and torture. Word ‘round the office is that his wife hates tomato-based anything.”

“Aww Sweetheart! You never cease to impress me!”

“She’s one whiney ball of neur0sis that one. Oooh yeah, the blessings of senior status where you can say, ‘Fucks will never be given’ as all get out with coded finesse. Had enough polite façade crap early in my career when—”

“—Shit.”

“Hey, what’s up? You setting up camp in there? Is there a waterworks problem?”

“Yeah, it’s slow going, then stop and wait. Sucks.”

“You could follow through and see the urologist.”

“I hate being reduced to this.”

“To what, Honey?”

“To after more than 30 years of healthy living and regular exercise, yet still getting older is like having multiple expert snipers take potshots at every body system I got. That’s what’s effed up.”

“But if you sat down with the urolog—”

“—Shut up about the goddamn doctor! You don’t get it.”

“Okay, Hon. Come here. Please. Help me…get it.”

“Being poked and prodded and examined ‘til I’m 80 ain’t the least bit appetizing. Not my way of living. I did…I mean…we did the lifestyle changes. Planned well. I expected things to…you know, slow down. But this whole aging thing...just some nasty-ass wack reject pile yo me. Stupid and nonsensical. Emphasis on the nonsensical.”

“I feel you.”

“I mean, other animals don’t drag on like this with issue after issue after issue. They just die and are done. Yet here we are. Jeez! Even grapes get a better deal. Like, why can’t my approaching sunset years carry 'grape characteristics?'

“Grape?”

“Yeah, fah real. Check it. Grape juice. Fermentation. Wine. Everybody loves some dat. Longer the juice ages, the better it gets.”

“The more expensive too.”

“Damn straight.”

“Well, human beings are way more complex than grapes, Babe.”

“Who you telling? And I say, if complexity brings digestive issues, glaucoma, memory loss, higher PSA**, and erectile dysfunction, maybe grapes got it better.”

“Hmmmmmm. Just having a thought…I'm remembering when I competed at an international elite level in my twenties. Traveling. Thriving and being invincible. It’s what youth does. I feel like the same person inside, but if I tried to do those training sprints right now, my knees would certainly let me know about it.”

“So, what’s the use? Seriously though. Why feel the same and have a body you don’t recognize in the mirror? It just seems…”

“…Pointless.”

“Yeah. That, and a bit…depressing when you’ve seen what’s down the road. Remember how Uncle Eddie drooled on for eight years in a dismal residential facility? He just sat there vegetating, barely a glimmer of recognition when I’d visit. That care home regimen took him piece by aching piece. Nobody should live out the end of days like that. I know I’d never want to.”

“Welp, let’s examine this thing and look at how WE manage it going forward. Otherwise, we could both wind up miserable. I say, let’s create a list of what we each want to have happen and not happen in given scenarios. What we will deal with or not. Pretty much advance directives between us…and the children get no vote, but we can fill them in later and have the lawyer draw up the documents.”

“For real, Honey?”

“Real deal, Sweetheart. Not like we’re getting any younger. Let’s put ourselves in the driver’s seat. It is our life from start to finish. Makes me wonder though…”

“About what?”

“Why doesn’t anyone talk about this stuff while we’re young? It’s such a non-discussion point. But looking back, the signs were there. Dad’s dentures were in a pot in the bathroom. Auntie Mel’s wooden cupboard full of prescription meds.”

“What would a 'younger you' have listened to, in a state of total cluelessness?”

“I would have listened to Ma Ellie telling me that getting older is a part of life and explaining some of what happens at different stages. That aging needs a proactive approach, because you won’t feel it coming. You wake up one day and find a few gray hairs, and then later on, you hardly find any black ones in a time frame you missed while working like the dickens and raising a family. I’d lay my head in her lap and ask her if it hurt. If she ever felt scared. I’d remember her advice even if I didn’t understand it. I’d hold it close and trust there’d be a time when I did. And what about you? What would have caught your attention about growing old while you galloped full speed up and down the basketball court?”

“I guess Uncle Eddie and me fishing off Shell Banks on his Boston Whaler. In those places of calm, no distractions. Him drawing my attention to the important things in life, like service to others, to community. Cherishing family. Doing as much as you can when you have the energy. And acceptance. Acceptance that this life isn’t the beginning and end of all things. It’s a blip in the continuum of existence.”

“I can get with that. It’s profound. And you know what?”

“Nah,what?”

“I’m sure it’s a heck of a lot more than a grape gets.”

“Bwahahaaa! Babe, I like how you roll on point. Real sorry for snapping on you before.”

“It’s alright, Digestive Issues. You know, I couldn’t have this discussion with a grape.”

“Decidedly not.”

“That grape could not hold and heal my heart, be the father of my children, refill my Epi-pen prescription…”

“Okay, okay, the grape thing came at a low moment. Let it goooo!”

“…won’t leave the toilet seat up, towels on the floor…”

“Huuuuunnngggrrrhh,”

“…sure as hell won’t wake me up by SBD,”

“… … …”

“Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!”

“Heheheheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-teehee-heee-heeeee!”

“Sweets, you’re the grape love of my life.”

“Round and juicy me, yet still you manage to wine me up sometimes.”

“I’ll bring your Omeprazole back from the kitchen, Acid Reflux...

“Aww Hon, you’re the grapest!”

“…worrying ‘bout nuthin’…they’d kick us out of every care home from Merlot to Pinot Grigio.”

“All nursing hom es can kiss my Concord Grapes ass.”

*SBD - Silent But Deadly

**PSA - Prostate specific antigen

***

Thanks so much for your support with my first and only "Nothing But Voices" Vocal Challenge entry. Wishing all my Fellow Vocalites continued 'write vibes!'